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M0AI — A Meeting with the Elder
Published: 2009-06-17 02:58:15 +0000 UTC; Views: 33396; Favourites: 444; Downloads: 259
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[A short story]His contact among the kahoons met him the moment he stepped off the dropcraft. The sensory proboscis above its single, gaping intake nostril lifted in greeting, and the tendrils at its tip quivered as it tasted his scent. It then uttered a spoken greeting to him, the words emerging from its nostril. A kahoon’s four jaws were a formidable masticatory apparatus. They could crack, crunch, rasp, snap, and grind; the jaws of a consummate omnivore. However, they could not speak, as a kahoon’s esophagus and trachea, unlike those of a human, took two entirely separate courses through the neck. The intake nostril possessed the equivalents of lips and vocal chords to shape sound, while the outlet spouts atop the kahoon’s skull could produce soft whistling notes. Both types of noise were utilized in the common tongue that kahoon and human used to speak to each other; Danaus had made sure to polish up on his whistling skills before coming here. Amongst themselves, kahoons also incorporated beak clacks and clatters, winglet gestures and infrared signals, flag (tail) signals, and jaw-feeler gesticulations, but those were difficult for the unmodified human brain to understand as language, and indeed impossible for a human to replicate.
“Welcome, Danaus,” the kahoon messenger said in one articulated inhalation punctuated by a short exhaled whistle.
“Thank you, Tidehopper,” the human returned with a deftly-executed series of whistles and a bow. The youngish alien returned the gesture, its heavy, chest-high head slowly dipping.
“Your journey was comfortable, I hope.” A somewhat odd thing to hear from a race that was, whenever possible, non space-faring.
“As comfortable as it was short,” Danaus replied. The Ring, his starting point, was only a few tens of thousands of kilometers overhead, practically a stone’s throw. “Shall we walk?”
“Of course.” Tidehopper turned around on its four locomotor limbs and the two began a leisurely stroll down the beach.
The sand was not overly hot, but it was granular and uncomfortable, and peppered with bleached calcium shells and carapaces. Danaus, in keeping with the fashion of the past several decades, was barefoot, and a lifetime of temperature- and texture-controlled artificial floors had left his feet ill-prepared for these conditions; an unfortunate oversight in his preparations. He could have easily levitated, even in this planet’s relatively weak magnetic field, but human custom and etiquette forbade such flagrant use of technology in the presence of prims.
“Has the sea been generous lately, friend?” asked Danaus.
“Generous enough. The [clack, whistle, rustle] have begun their southward migration and grow scarce, but the [high whistle, chatter, low whistle] abound.” There were no common tongue translations of these prey animals, apparently, or (rather less likely, Danaus thought) Tidehopper was just being forgetful.
“Good, good. I look forward to eating some spinetail tonight, if any can be caught.”
“It should be easy. I will have a word with the fishermen.”
“Thank you.”
Amongst the dunes and beach grasses ahead was a small grouping of domed huts, made of reeds, driftwood, and kahoon guano. These were not kahoon dwellings, however. The design and dimensions were all wrong. They were prim dwellings, and their occupants stood and sat in small family units around them. Humans of various race and build, the children naked and the adults nearly so, staring at him with open curiosity or stink-eyed suspicion, depending on the age of the starer. Primitivists were humans who purposely reverted to a hunting and gathering existence, or the children of those who had made that choice. It was generous of the kahoons to share their land, game, and forage with these eccentric deniers of modern civilization.
“Your cousins fare well,” said Tidehopper, using a generic term for relations. “Very few have died this year, and several have been born.”
“I am happy for them,” said Danaus, returning the stares of his conspecifics. A child smiled back while her parent stared back with an expression of indifference.
Kahoon and civilized human walked on, exchanging pleasantries and observations and avoiding any mention of the matter which had necessitated Danaus’ visit; such weighty business would be discussed at the proper time, and with the proper personage. As they walked, Danaus began to notice that he was being trailed by a veritable parade of inquisitive prim children. He glanced back at them and smiled, causing the children to pull together in shy groups and murmur and giggle. A moment later, conventional etiquette be damned, he turned around and levitated briefly at the height of about half a meter. The children cried out in astonishment and delight, and instantly transformed from a shy and curious mob into an excited and jumping mob. Harsh words from the parents, barked in a language Danaus did not recognize, had most of the children making a reluctant return home, but a few adventurous souls followed on. Danaus grinned at them.
Up ahead, a quartet of kahoon fishermen—most likely two conception-sibling pairs—hauled something large, manta-like, and dead out of the surf. Spiracles and gills leaked water on its pearly ventral surface, while its jaws, homologous to those of the kahoons but wider, toothier, and more complicated, yawned and gaped and attracted the tiny buzzing opportunists that were the inevitable inhabitants of beaches the galaxy over. As they neared, one of the fishermen gripped two of the great dead thing’s mandibles and brandished them in the direction of the Prim children while uttering a fierce growl. The affect was thoroughly mock-threatening, and the children laughed and fled. Relations between children and good-humored adults were as universal as beach flies, it seemed.
“Will this do for dinner, if a spinetail cannot be captured?” asked Tidehopper.
“I think it will do nicely,” answered Danaus, eyeing a muscular hunk of meat near the base of the thing’s huge pectoral fin. That’d make a great steak, providing the flesh wasn’t poisonous. A speedy scan revealed that it was quite safe, and even flavorful.
Further up the beach were signs of kahoon habitation. Kahoon fishing craft, little more than long, flat-topped logs, were arranged in rows on the sand. The lazy lines and spirals that were the kahoons’ favorite design motif were carved into their hulls. No oars or anything of that nature; the kahoons’ long locomotor limbs served that purpose.
Further inland were kahoon warrens, blocky things seemingly made of nothing but right angles, rising about a meter and a half out of the sand and extending about the same distance into the earth. Danaus caught a pungent whiff of ammonia, and sure enough, he spotted a conception-sibling duo hard at work constructing a new structure. A roughly diamond-shaped pit had been dug into the sand, and one of the pair laid down a layer of guano cement to form the walls, while the other gobbled mouthfuls and sand and shells to produce a fresh new batch of mortar. Many of his fellow civilized space-farers, especially humans, found the kahoon’s choice of building materials rather repulsive, but Danaus himself took it in stride. Whatever worked, was his motto. He was just glad of his ability to deactivate his olfactory sense.
Towards the center of the kahoon village was a larger structure, the hermaphrarch’s warren. While the rest of the kahoon buildings were a generic pasty off-white, the elder’s house was colorful, with interspersed bands of mauve and pale orange. The builders had consumed pigments and dyes while ingesting their building materials, a decorative practice reserved solely for hermaphrarchs, hunting chieftains, and whatever other ruling offices that existed in the assorted variations of kahoon society. This was Danaus’ destination. Tidehopper descended the short entrance ramp to announce the human visitor’s presence, and a moment later Danaus was invited inside.
Waverider, the hermaphrarch, sat on the damp dirt floor in the center of its warren, its locomotor limbs weaved around each other in the kahoon version of the zen pose. In one of its mandibular tendrils it held a polished wooden crucible, in which something pungent and no doubt psychotropic smoldered. Another one of its mouth tendrils waved the smoke into the sensitive feelers at the end of its sensory proboscis. A quick scan revealed that whatever the hermaphrarch was toking would also affect a human nervous system, so Danaus projected a field permeable only to air over his mouth and nostrils. The orange hues of the hermaphrarch’s face were particularly vivid, a sign of its social dominance and also probably of its drug-induced state. A bright blue shawl, embroidered with classic kahoon spirals, covered the aft half of its body. In its main pair of manipulative limbs the hermaphrarch held a pale rag of preserved skin, perhaps that of a past hermaphrarch. The elder kahoon was practicing dermomancy, attempting to find meaning in the whorls and wrinkles of the preserved skin, and if Danaus’ visit hadn’t interrupted it a full-blown séance might have been in the works. Danaus hoped the old alien wouldn’t be upset at his interruption of its communion with its ancestors.
Presently, the old kahoon’s eyes briefly concaved—the kahoon version of a blink—and went convex again, a sign that its seat of consciousness was transferring from its sensory-intuitive mind (which was likely as high as a kite) to its cognitive-rational mind. It would still experience synesthesia and mild hallucinations, but it would also be able to carry on a lucid and logical conversation. The duality of the kahoon mind was a strange thing.
Waverider clapped its jaws and made a strange warbling snort. As a matter of stubborn principle, hermaphrarchs did not speak the common tongue, though they could certainly understand it. Assisted in-brain translation of the various kahoon sounds, emissions, and gestures would be overly time consuming and ambiguous, so Tidehopper, the hermaphrarch’s chief secretary and probable successor, would do the translating.
The hermaphroditic kahoons almost always produced two offspring per mating, one from both parents. The resulting semi-twins, called conception-siblings, would be each other’s closest partners in life, and kahoon social organization made most tasks and occupations a cooperative affair between two conception-siblings. Occasionally, due to death or illness, only one kahoon produced an offspring from a mating. Practical and socially-sanctioned options for these singleton kahoons were few, and of these few options, being hermaphrarch or chief secretary to the hermaphrarch were doubtlessly the most prestigious.
Waverider and Tidehopper exchanged several rounds of inscrutable noises and gestures. Moments later, Tidehopper turned to Danaus and said, “You may speak.”
Danaus stepped forward and gave a formal bow. “Greetings, great mother and father of the people. I apologize for interrupting your sacred rituals. It was a necessary, however, for I bring news of potential great consequence to both of us.”
Waverider waved a hand in dismissal, a remarkably human gesture. Whether this similarity in body language was, like the shell necklace it wore, a borrowing from the prims, or sheer coincidence, Danaus had no idea. The hermaphrarch spoke, and Tidehopper translated. “Think nothing of the interruption. The honored hide was revealing no secrets to me today.” It paused. “I know why you are here.”
Danaus was surprised. “You do, wise one?”
“I believe I do.” Waverider emitted a strange noise, and over one of the walls appeared a screen interface. Like much of the kahoons’ communications, much of the data was emitted in the infrared spectrum, so Danaus modified his visual range accordingly. He wondered where the device that projected the screen was housed. Probably buried underneath the floor; hiding it in such a way would be typical of the kahoons. An advanced species that used its technology as little as possible and viewed space travel with a mixture of unease and contempt; no wonder they and the prims got along so well.
Strange glyphs and diagrams appeared on the screen, which changed at Waverider’s spoken command. As the view changed, Danaus realized that he was seeing the local volume of space, translated into the unorthodox iconography of the kahoons. First, the inner stellar system; next, the outer stellar system, with its outlying dwarf planets and oort cloud; next, the local galactic neighborhood, at a resolution of about one hundred forty lightyears to each side of the screen. In the upper right corner, near the opposite side of the screen as the home system, a dim red dot, surrounded by a whorl, blinked. Waverider rose to its feet and pointed at it with a mandible tendril. “This.”
“Yes,” answered Danaus. “It has been moving in a straight-line trajectory directly towards this system for over a thousand light years. If it continues, it should arrive here within fifteen rotations.” He trusted Tidehopper to translate that into a unit of time more meaningful to the planet-bound kahoons.
The dot represented a zeelyat gas volume, a sphere of zeelyat-breathable atmosphere about thirty kilometers in diameter, enclosed by invisible fields and forces. The whorl surrounding the dot represented the furiously roiling spacetime surrounding the strange craft. A zeelyat craft did not move by any manner of propulsion. Rather, it sat in one place while bending the space around it to its whim, remaining technically stationary even as the volume of space it occupied sped towards its destination at many, many times the speed of light, while, somehow, simultaneously avoiding the problems of relativistic time-debts. It was a fantastic mode of travel, a wish-fulfilling mode of travel. Only the zeelyats knew how to do it, and they weren’t sharing.
“It may pass through.”
“We think that unlikely. While it has been observed, it has not deviated a single kilometer from its path. And that path is taking it on an interception course with Zezeuth.” Zezeuth being the most common name for the local sun.
“A suicide mission, then?” Waverider asked. Tidehopper translated it into common tongue tones that even a human could tell were ironic.
He smiled. “We think not.”
“A zeelyat gas sphere in this system would be a great threat to your Ring.” That was an understatement. Zeelyats were aloof and unpredictable, answering to no one and explaining to no one. Though of terrestrial planet origin, they showed absolutely no interest in other terrestrial worlds, and the inhabitants of those worlds had nothing to fear from them. Residents of orbiting habitats, asteroids, or gas giants had plenty to worry about if zeelyats visited their neighborhood, though. Zeelyats took asteroids and gas giants for their own inscrutable uses, and destroyed orbitals and spacecraft for no reason at all. Or ignored them. As said, zeelyats were unpredictable.
No one could do anything about it, either. Taking up arms against the zeelyats was suicide. They were far from invincible; a half dozen full-capacity fleet warships would stand an excellent chance of destroying this oncoming gas sphere. The problem was that the zeelyats would strike back, and strike hard. The last great Retaliation had occurred before humans were even a space-faring race, and it was still spoken of in fearful tones.
“That is what I have come to speak of,” Danaus said.
“Then speak.”
“We wish to use this landmass as a refugee shelter.” Waverider did not respond, but its posture took on an attitude of greater attention. “Most residents will evacuate via starship to other stellar systems. Many already have. However, we estimate that around five percent of the Ring’s population will stay behind; roughly forty three million entities. They do not have another home in the galaxy to go to.”
“You wish to station forty three million refugees…here?” asked Waverider. Tidehopper’s translation held tones of skepticism and apprehension.
“No. Most will go elsewhere. Thoosa, Psamathe, and Ploto have agreed to take about eight million each. Ploto even has a methane dome and some pressure-gas environments to accommodate those who can’t live in this sort of biosphere.” These were the three largest floating cities on this watery globe. All three were currently drifting south of the equator in the opposite hemisphere. “Callirrhoe has agreed to take three million on their landmass. We can convert a few of the floating agriculture platforms and house another million that way. Another fourteen million will go to the tunnel cities of Astyana.” Astyana was the next closest planet to Zezeuth, a barren, airless, unterraformed rock, with subterranean population centers near its poles. “That still leaves almost a million refugees. We would like to put them here. All carbon-based oxygen breathers with similar physiologies, so they won’t need enclosed atmospheres or any special treatment of that sort. We are ready to deploy the construction drones for their housing and facilities immediately.”
“How long would they stay, provided I give permission?”
“Not long, hopefully. There is a chance, though, that they will remain here indefinitely.”
Waverider considered this a moment. “One million people, with all of their bustle and strangeness. All of their complexity and noise and entertainment and greed.” He pumped his winglets, his atrophied second pair of limbs, seemingly in agitation. “In honesty, I do not find this idea attractive. Your cousins, the primitivists, would like it even less, I think. What will you do if I refuse to take these one million noisy, strange people? Will you put them here anyway?”
“We will search for another place to put them, but if necessary, yes, we will put them here anyway.” Danaus hung his head and hoped this gesture of his people’s collective shame at this disrespect got through to the alien.
Waverider’s manipulative limbs flexed and extended quickly and its eyes concaved and convexed. What this body language signified Danaus was not sure, but presently Waverider spoke. “You have my permission, then. I sincerely hope, though, that I shall not have to share my space with your people for long.”
“We hope to impose upon you as little as possible as well.”
“Leave my presence now. I must speak with my forebirthers and foreimpregnators about this.” Waverider resumed its place in the center of the room, its trochanters flexing as it weaved its locomotive limbs together in a seated position. It let out a squawk and the screen interface deactivated. As Danaus and Tidehopper left the building, it spread the dried hides of its ancestors out before it, hoping that their spirits would speak to it.
Outside, the swiftly-spinning world was already turning away from the sun. The stars were beginning to appear. Nearby, a cooking pit was being dug and filled with hot coals, while the manta-thing was being swiftly cut and gutted.
“Despite the upsetting news you bring, you are still welcome to eat with us,” Tidehopper said.
“Thank you,” said Danaus. He looked up at the sky. In only a few more minutes, it would begin. The two sat a short distance away from the cooking pit, watching the meal being prepared. A few human primitivists hung around in the background, hoping to take some meat back to their families.
“May I ask some questions, Ring messenger Danaus?” asked Tidehopper.
“Of course.”
“What will you do with your Ring once all the people leave?”
Danaus thought for a moment. “It will be dismantled, and the pieces will be sent off to safe locations. The main engine shaft will probably be sent to another system that’s safely out of the way. Perhaps around Betelgeuse.”
“So, this is the end of the Ring?” There was a tone of sorrow in the young kahoon’s voice which gave Danaus pause.
“I sincerely hope not, Tidehopper. Once this threat passes, it will be rebuilt and the refugees will return to it.”
“And if the threat does not pass? If the zeelyats intend to stay?”
“Then it will be reassembled in another star system, if it is reassembled at all.” At huge cost and inconvenience to everyone. Even in this age of plenty, it was no small thing to invite another billion beings to live in one’s star system. Trade and tax agreements to work out, agriculture and food resource rights to secure, energy and raw material needs to be met. A pain in the ass, to use a crude and antiquated expression.
His inner clock alerted him that it was time. He looked towards the northeast. Sure enough, a grouping of lights, more orderly and quick than the stars behind them, was climbing over the darkening horizon. The Ring, his home, running another lap around the world of which it was the brightest and most populous satellite. With line-of-sight restored, he beamed the confirmation signal. If he increased his magnification and spectral range he would soon be able to watch the building drones descend to the surface, carrying the forms and frameworks of the refugee shelter that they would erect, not too far from here.
Much further out, beyond the range of his visual augmentations, was the ship beyond sent to negotiate with the zeelyats. Or, to be rather more truthful, to plead to them to consider the needs and wants of people besides themselves, for goodness sake. His father was on that ship, coming out of retirement to put his diplomatic experience to use again. Danaus needed to return to the Ring soon. His father’s current mate, M’Sshaila, would be worried sick, and Danaus wished to offer her what comfort he could. He’d board the dropcraft and return just after dinner, he decided.
“I hope the Ring is rebuilt,” said Tidehopper. “I’ve always wanted to go there.”
Danaus looked at the being in surprise. “You? I thought kahoons hated being in space.”
Tidehoppers mandible tendrils assumed a position that was the kahoon equivalent of a sad smile. “Sometimes people change.”
***
I put a lot more work into this, both the image and the accompanying text, than I have my other Ring aliens. This is my attempt to introduce an actual plot to the Ring universe, show more of that universe, and broaden the cast of characters in that universe.
If you prefer the friendly inconsequentialness of the previous descriptions, don't worry, because the descriptions of many of my future Ring aliens will return to that form. Others will continue on with this story sequence, though.
I again ask some of my more etymologically-minded friends to come up with some words for me. First, for the kahoon leader, I wanted a word that was a gender-neutral version of patriarch and matriarch, since these aliens are hermaphrodites. I couldn't find a word, so I made up "hermaphrarch." If you can think of something better, let me know. Or, if you think that the word I came up with works fine, don't.
Also, conception-sibling. If you can think of a more elegant phrase, let me hear it.
Thanks.
As for the alien design itself, at first I was designing it to fit with another Ring-related piece of writing that I wrote not long ago. This creature ended up having the wrong personality to go along with that piece of writing, so I had to write something new for it. It turns out its harder to make alien designs to go along with the stories than vice versa.
Some half-unconscious influences on this design are the creature from "The Host," Shelob, and a goblin shark.
Related content
Comments: 99
Boy that's an amazing creature design idea for the Elder. It almost reminds me of the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland mixed with either a Star Wars or Harry Potter creature. Not to mention, I can tell you have said a mouthful with the picture's description.
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This is everything science fiction should be. Certainly something I'll come back to read again and again.
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Surely you have written a book for these creatures and characters!
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Should it ever happen it would make a wonderful read, you clearly have thought out the world and creatures really well (:
It's really great to see good quality science fiction art and writing.
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I don't know how do you came with this kind of inspiration..... outstanding
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I think I just started drawing and writing when I was in exactly the right mood to come up with neat ideas. Thanks, man!
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Verry interesting story and a wonderfull design
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For some reason I just can't stand those augmented humans. They seem foolish, going too far with their experiments and isolating themselves from the nature like that.
I love all of these alien bios, however. They all have well thought out physiologies and the colors you use are delicious~
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Thank you! I'm of the opinion that humans will start merging themselves with their technology in the future. I feel it's an inevitable result of our desire to have ever more powerful and versatile portable gadgets with us at all times. Whether this is a good or a bad thing is, of course, open to personal opinion. Both you and the Prims in this story seem to have a negative view of it.
(Late reply, sorry!)
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Yeah, it seems eventual...
Too bad humanity always has a tendency to go overboard with what the do, having to experience the bad before settling for the golden middle route. With the technology you might not even get a chance to take a pick. D:
(Thank you for still replying~ I would guess that the temptation to not post a late reply is quite large, at least for some if not all. 
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Soo incredibley brilliant in all terms in my book in creativity! The technique and skill are absalutly amazing and the story behind this wonderful intresting creature should be in a awsome book series and get published.
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The character design is so cool and I love the colors.
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>Occasionally, due to death or illness, only one kahoon produced an offspring from a mating. Practical and socially-sanctioned options for these singleton kahoons were few, and of these few options, being hermaphrarch or chief secretary to the hermaphrarch were doubtlessly the most prestigious.<
Does that mean that all hermaphrarchs are single-borns? Maybe some honorific based on that status as a single-born would make sense. And assuming the marital structure outlined with ~bensen-daniel , the hermaphrarchs would also seem to generally never mate, not having the help of a sibling. Perhaps the idea that they are generally "doomed" to lead a completely lonely life factors into whatever title they hold. Maybe these singletons are generally revered, though not necessarily holding any important office. Some kind of social taboo about harming them born from their single-born status, leading to them being at a survival disadvantage.
Like exalted pariahs.
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In this particular kahoon culture (like humans, there are many different kahoon cultural groups), yes, all hermaphrarchs are singletons. As you said, their singleton status makes them revered and somewhat sacred. In other kahoon cultures, however, there might be a superstition or stigma against single-borns, leading them to be cast out of the community, or killed. Some cultures may only allow sibling-pairs to lead.
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Oh, really? I honestly don't know why the thought of multiple cultures with their own practices never crossed my mind, but that makes perfect sense. Thanks for clearing that up.
Two other things:
"...In one of its mandibular tendrils it held a polished wooden crucible, in which something pungent and no doubt psychotropic smoldered. Another one of its mouth tendrils waved the smoke into the sensitive feelers at the end of its sensory proboscis..."
Wouldn't he need to actually inhale it, and not just smell it? You kindof imply that he's only smelling it, even in the picture (which by the way is great).
And a semi-minor thing, how do they go about names? I suppose I should be clear about this, I'm referring to this particular culture. Do they have a name given to a cosib pair, in addition to the individual names, if that makes sense? And also, assuming they have names beyond their individual names, what happens when they go through whatever marital bonding ceremony they have? That naming deal would be alot more complicated than it is in "modern" human culture, with not only four individuals, but hermaphrodites. You wouldn't have permanent "male" and "female" type roles.
That is, assuming they place any kind of significance on a family name. Even that might be bothersome with no male and female gender.
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"Wouldn't he need to actually inhale it, and not just smell it? You kindof imply that he's only smelling it, even in the picture (which by the way is great)."
You know, I never thought of that. Perhaps it is indeed inhaling it as well, or perhaps kahoon biology, and the anatomy of the feelers, is such that it can absorb the psychotropic chemicals through the tendrils.
I didn't put much thought into the names either, I confess. I like your ideas on naming, though: a name for the individual, a name for the cosib pair, and a name for the marriage quartet. I like that.
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That would be an interesting biological feature. So then that would be more like those feathered gills some newts have? Like an actual extension of the respiratory organs, rather than just chemo-receptors?
Thank you, on the names.
And I apologize, I kept saying "he". Must be gender chauvinism.
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"That would be an interesting biological feature. So then that would be more like those feathered gills some newts have? Like an actual extension of the respiratory organs, rather than just chemo-receptors?"
Pretty much, yeah.
Don't worry about the "he." It can be tough remembering to use gender-neutral pronouns for characters like this.
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What a completely unique creature! I spent a couple of minutes admiring its strange form. Great work!
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Hey Moai. About the prims:
I'm reading a book right now called Before the Dawn, about human origins, and it mentioned a very cool concept called Cultural Universals (i.e. practices that are shared primitive characteristics of all human societies). Perhaps the Prims consciously try to emulate the behavior of the most basic humans by referencing Cultural Universals. See here: [link]
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Very interesting! That is something to consider.
This also makes me start to wonder what cultural universals are present across all intelligent species. Hmmm...
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I have difficulty expressing how much I enjoy both the artwork and the writing. I've been saving up the reading until I could enjoy it to the fullest.
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Thanks so much, man! I appreciate it.
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Such originality, I really like it, most creatures have too much of a human quality, this however looks as though it has evolved on another world completely free from earths usual biological constraints. Terrific!
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Thank you! A year ago I was frustrated because I couldn't seem to design creatures that weren't tightly based on Earthly anatomy. I feel like I've improved in that regard.
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Okay. Sorry for taking so long to write a comment for your picture and story, which definitely deserve all of the responses that are here already. I hope I still have something useful to add at this point.
Alien
The alien is certainly both weird and interesting to look at, but my favorite part is not the biology, but the clothes over it, and the designs on those clothes. They make this creature look like a person, rather than an animal.I also really like the texture of the skin. A note on the biology: Can that flap of skin fold down over the out-breathing tube? It looks like it can. And also, what about a sheath of skin that draws over the mandibles? Otherwise I think food would fall out while the Kahoon was chewing.
Also, intelligent hermaphrodites are interesting. So you have two parents (Sheri Tepper used the words 'Inceptor' and 'Receptor' in Fresco), each of whom gives birth to one child (can I suggest 'cosib' as a good word for that relationship?)
I like that most of the Kahoon are therefor fraternal twins, which means that almost everyone has a soul-mate growing up. How does this relationship change when they have to marry and have children? Perhaps sib-pairs marry to other sib-pairs, creating a family of four parents.
Or consider the socio-biology of hermaphrodites and things get even more fun.
I won't go into hermaphrodity among animals (although it's really interesting, I suggest Dr. Tatiana's Sex Advice to All Creation as a fun book to read on the subject), but it strikes me that if both members of a reproducing pair are having a baby at the same time, that leaves them vulnerable. Among early humans, the husband went out to get food while the wife was laid up with pregnancy. He also protected her and the baby during its childhood. With Kahoons, you'll have both parents incapacitated with child-rearing at the same time. Maybe you could fix that by having each parent's cosib stick around to get food and protect the breeding pair, and the relationship could then switch when the first pair of offspring were old enough to fend for themselves. In other words if you have two cosib pairs, AB and CD, A and C mate and produce offspring while B and D abstain and spend their time getting food and protecting the nest. Then when A and C's babies are grown, B and D have theirs. The advantage here would be for B and D, since they will give four minders (A, B, and A and B's two children) rather than just two. Different cultures would of course embellish on this relationship, but the difference between 'brooders' and '
Universe
So this is a planet around which orbits a ring-shaped habitat? I'm curious about the greater universe here? Why did they build a ring around this planet and not another (my theory: because at one point the Kahoon were aggressive space colonizers and users of technology, but turned away from technology after some sort of disaster and sold their orbiting habitats and off-planet colonies to other species...am I right?) How does spacetravel work in this universe? How do species other than the Zeelyats get around?
What is the human's job, here? It sounds like he's a minor government functionary for the Ring. Is he supposed to travel to all the low-tech communities to inform them of the the refugee housing policy? Or is he an academic who happens to be friends with this Kahoon and came down to warn him as an act of courtesy. The tone of the writing seems more like the second.
A critique: Do you mind if I share my misgivings with you? You know that when it comes to human-alien relations, I'm pretty pessimistic. It's hard for me to see how two sentient species who live in the same sorts of environments and eat the same kind of food could have anything but a competitive relationship. But let's assume these people in the future have some sort of advanced social system that allows different species to live in harmony. Even so, I think that the atmosphere in your story is awfully light. Here we have a technically advanced civilization with an enormous population and a huge tactical advantage (the Ring), dealing with a technically weak civilization (the Kahoons) that has something the Ring wants (living space). What Danaus is doing here is not asking permission, it's giving notice. We are going to send about a million refugees to live with you. Yes, they will probably wreck your way of life, but the alternative is that we get whacked by an even more advanced civilization and frankly, we don't care about your problems. He's very polite about it, of course, but both Danaus and the Kahoons know exactly what will happen if the Kahoons say no.
That's why I had Danaus pegged as an academic, someone who works away from the competitive, high-stakes world of politics, actually likes the Kahoon and enjoys their company. Now of course, you can explain all this away if you tell me about how the Kahoon still have political clout, even though they live in a tribal society, or about some sort of new way to do politics which makes everyone nice to everyone else (some sort of brain hardware that forces you to act upon the objective best possible action rather than the action that is best for your own group?)
Also, the Prims. I'd like to hear more about them. They might be like the Amish, or they might be like the slum-dwellers of New Delhi. Why did they choose to live without technology (and where do they draw the line?) More seriously, yes, they may have chosen to do without modern technology, but what about their children? Without a decent education, those kids will end up completely unfit for any sort of life outside their little communities. How do they justify that? Do people on the Ring allow it because they don't want to waste the resources, or do the prims have some sort of little-brother relationship with the Kahoon?
Writing
I got more Vernor Vinge than either Greg Bear or Ian Barns (to be fair, I haven't read much Barns). Like Vinge, your characters are xenophiles, and get a kick out of talking with aliens. And like him, you make aliens interesting by talking about the difficulties in communicating with them. Excellent. The writing is richly colored and detailed, just like the Kahoon.
Critique though (please tell me if you don't want negative comments. I like to get them, but I know that's not true for everyone). Too much exposition. I'm a fan of show-not-tell writing, and there was a lot of tell here. Of course, showing everything would have taken much much longer, and this is just a short story. It felt though, like you were explaining this world to yourself, rather than telling the audience a story. It's something I know I have to work hard to avoid. The way I do it, is write out an outline and an explanation for the world (usually in the comments of a deviant art page
"There's a Zeelyat ship heading toward us."
Waverider clacked his mandibles. Danaus didn't understand the body language, but Tidehopper's voice chilled noticeably. "We know that. We watch the sky as well as you do in your Ring. We have been doing so far longer than you, in point of fact."
"I meant no offense," Danaus said quickly, "I merely used the statement as a means of expressing the purpose of my visit. I am sure you can imagine our...apprehension about this on the Ring."
"Of course," I could detect the wry posture of Waverider's manipulators even before Tidehopper translated it. "The Zeelyat are rarely kind to orbiting habitats. You notice the Zahoon live on the ground."
"Exactly my point," Danaus said, "Hermaphrotaurch, we have a request."
"Not for military aid," said Waverider said. "We will not risk another Reprisal."
"No," I said. "We plan to evacuate the Ring."
and so on.
Other people will have different opinions, of course, but I like books that allow the reader to figure the world out based on the actions and speech of the characters. That's my two cents.
Nomenclature
I already said Archon, cosib, and sib-pair. Tendrils could be a good word for the manipulators on the ends of the manibles. And how about the eyes "pop in" and "pop out" rather than "go concave/convex"?
Okay, that's all. Once again, I liked the story and the alien. My negative comments were intended to be constructive criticism, written in the hope
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“Alien
The alien is certainly both weird and interesting to look at, but my favorite part is not the biology, but the clothes over it, and the designs on those clothes. They make this creature look like a person, rather than an animal.I also really like the texture of the skin. A note on the biology: Can that flap of skin fold down over the out-breathing tube? It looks like it can. And also, what about a sheath of skin that draws over the mandibles? Otherwise I think food would fall out while the Kahoon was chewing.”
Thank you. You may have noticed that the lines and spirals of the clothing emulate the textures of the kahoon’s skin. This, and the practice of dermomancy, suggests that skin has a certain mystical importance in the kahoon mind. I’m not sure why this is.
The flap of skin can indeed fold down over the breathing tube, which is actually the intake nostril (the outlet spout is actually the little bump on the top of the head; it’s probably a paired orifice, which means that I should have drawn another one. Oops). In its relaxed state, it droops loosely in front of the nostril, leaving room for the intake of breath. It can be drawn tightly over the nostril to seal it (useful when diving), but it’s usually fairly mobile and active, since the feelers at the end are extremely sensitive olfactory/taste sensors.
Some sort of sheath or membrane over the mandibles is an excellent idea. I’m also planning to relocate the manipulator tendrils closer to the base of the jaws and allow them to be retracted into the skull. That would make them less vulnerable and less likely to get in the way while the kahoon is eating.
I am completely lovin’ your ideas about kahoon reproduction and marriage, particularly the idea of one cosib (I like that word, too) pair “marrying” another pair. That helps with the problem of both parents being incapacitated during pregnancy, as you said, and even creates two temporary “genders,” and a family unit of four parents. It also means that a kahoon will have at least two significant others in its life: its cosib, and its spouse. I imagine that there are sometimes jealousy issues if a kahoon’s relationship with its spouse starts to take precedence over its relationship with its cosib, and that there are traditional family values and codes of conduct to ensure good relations among all members of a marriage quartet. Perhaps in some kahoon tribes and cultures the sib-pair relationship takes precedence over the spousal relationship, while in other cultures the spousal relationship is the more important social institution. Very interesting cultural implications! I plan to incorporate and expand upon your ideas if I do any future work involving kahoons, which I probably will.
Thanks for the book recommendations, as well. I always appreciate those.
“Universe
So this is a planet around which orbits a ring-shaped habitat? I'm curious about the greater universe here? Why did they build a ring around this planet and not another (my theory: because at one point the Kahoon were aggressive space colonizers and users of technology, but turned away from technology after some sort of disaster and sold their orbiting habitats and off-planet colonies to other species...am I right?) How does spacetravel work in this universe? How do species other than the Zeelyats get around?”
The larger universe in these stories is largely a mystery to me still. I’m figuring it out as I go. I’ve decided to incorporate and refurbish elements and species from previous stories of mine, so that gives me a better idea of the history and some of the interspecies relationships in this universe. For example, the zeelyats were the main villainous race in a science-fiction story I worked on way back in grade school.
As for the Ring, it was originally a generation ship, consisting of a thin torus dozens of miles in diameter and a central engine shaft. I don’t yet know who built it, but I don’t think it was the kahoons. Perhaps the species that built it is now defunct. Anyway, it has been considerably modified and expanded upon over time (centuries? Millennia?), so that now it is more of a somewhat irregular disk two hundred miles in diameter, but the original name has stuck. The original generation moved at sublight speeds, so it is not built to withstand the forces of superluminal travel (which, to answer your question, probably utilizes some form of inertia-canceling drive, or some similar pseudoscientific sci-fi trope). The subsequent modifications and expansions to its structure have made it even more unsuitable for superluminal travel, which is partly why, in this story, it was being temporarily dismantled, rather than simply “flown” somewhere else.
As for the kahoons and their aversion to high technology and space travel, I have been thinking about why that is. I have a tendency to write first and ask questions later, as you may have noticed. Your sample dialog below suggests that a zeelyat Retaliation may be the reason why they shun space travel, which I think is an attractive possibility.
“What is the human's job, here? It sounds like he's a minor government functionary for the Ring. Is he supposed to travel to all the low-tech communities to inform them of the the refugee housing policy? Or is he an academic who happens to be friends with this Kahoon and came down to warn him as an act of courtesy. The tone of the writing seems more like the second.”
It’s a mixture of both. Danaus is indeed a low-level functionary in the branch of government that deals with interplanetary and interspecies relations. He was specifically chosen for this assignment because of his friendly relationship with the kahoons. You are correct that this mission is in fact a notice/warning politely disguised as a courteous request. Danaus’ father, who is in fact the narrator of my other Ring write-ups, also worked in this branch of government, which I wrote about briefly here: [link] .
“But let's assume these people in the future have some sort of advanced social system that allows different species to live in harmony. Even so, I think that the atmosphere in your story is awfully light.”
These people do indeed operate in an advanced social system. The Greater Galactic Civilization has been engineered by a small number of advanced, benevolent Overseer species so that all or most lesser species are able to coexist peacefully. As new species attain space-faring status and enter the GGC, they are assisted in finding their place in this civilization. Peaceful and constructive attitudes, behaviors, and ideas are encouraged, while destructive, irrational, and militaristic urges and ideas are quelled. Occasionally, when a particularly incorrigible species attempts to enter the galactic stage, military conquest, regime changes, and/or even discreet gene pool modification of the offending species are necessary, but the Overseers consider such tactics unpleasant and intrusive, and only employ them as a last resort. The ethics of this process of changing species and cultures in order for them to better fit into the GGC is one of the great ongoing debates of this civilization. Some consider it a moral obligation to “correct” as many species and cultures as possible, while others feel that the manipulation of any culture by an outside force is unethical. The Overseers themselves take a sort of middle ground, respecting the cultural integrity of other species whenever possible, but taking corrective action when necessary.
Some species want no part of this system, and as long as those species’ actions do not impinge upon the rights of others, the Overseers allow them their freedom. Species, civilizations, stellar systems, worlds, city-states, etc. all have a degree of autonomy, and are allowed to mostly do as they please so long as the rights of individuals and groups are respected. The government of the Ring sent Danaus to request permission from the kahoons because not doing so would mean disregarding the kahoons’ autonomy, which would have gone against the morals of this civilization. Everyone involved knows that the Ring would have done what it needed to do anyway because of the realities of the situation, but respect for the kahoons demanded that permission be asked first.
Species such as the zeelyats, which do as they please without regard to the rights of other species and are strong enough to do so with relative impunity, are the thorn in the Greater Galactic Civilization’s side.
I’m still obviously organizing my thoughts about this universe, but this is my justification for the perhaps implausibly harmonious relations between the various species in this universe.
Good point about the light tone of the story. It’s possibly a stylistic holdover from my previous lighthearted writings set in this universe. If and when I expand on this story or write a new draft, I will try to correct that.
“Also, the Prims. I'd like to hear more about them. They might be like the Amish, or they might be like the slum-dwellers of New Delhi. Why did they choose to live without technology (and where do they draw the line?) More seriously, yes, they may have chosen to do without modern technology, but what about their children? Without a decent education, those kids will end up completely unfit for any sort of life outside their little communities. How do they justify that? Do people on the Ring allow it because they don't want to waste the resources, or do the prims have some sort of little-brother relationship with the Kahoon?”
The Primitivists were inspired by this Wikipedia article [link] , which I stumbled upon a few years ago and has stuck in my mind ever since. Even today, there are people who decry the effect that civilization, social institutions, and technological advancement have had on mankind. This future civilization, which is far more complicated and technologically advanced than our own, and in which humans are ultimately under the power of highly advanced (though benevolent) aliens, would give people even greater cause to object. I imagine that each individual first-generation Primitivist has his or her own reason for rejecting modern civilization, but each feels that modern society has somehow changed humanity for the worse. Later-generation Primitivists carry on the lifestyle simply because that’s how they were raised. The fact that Prim children are cut off from all the advantages an opportunities of modern life because of a decision that their parents or grandparents made is a cause for debate among more civilized humans. Some believe that, because of cultural autonomy, the Prims have the right to raise their children according to their own values. Others believe that this is a violation of individual rights, since Prim children are obviously at a huge disadvantage if they ever want to join the Greater Galactic Civilization, and did not come upon this disadvantage because of their own decisions. Currently, the former opinion is more widely held and legally viable, since taking Prim children away from their parents would also be a violation of individual rights.
“Where do they draw the line?” The Primitivists live by hunting and gathering (no domestication), and use only tools they build themselves with the natural resources that are available to them.
Since both reject high-tech, space-faring society, I believe that the kahoons and Prims look to each other as allies.
“Writing
I got more Vernor Vinge than either Greg Bear or Ian Barns (to be fair, I haven't read much Barns). Like Vinge, your characters are xenophiles, and get a kick out of talking with aliens. And like him, you make aliens interesting by talking about the difficulties in communicating with them. Excellent. The writing is richly colored and detailed, just like the Kahoon.”
Thank you very much. Vinge creates some of the most unique and well-developed aliens of any science fiction writer, in my opinion, so I’m flattered by the comparison.
And as for your critique, yes, this story is very heavy with exposition, and I do realize that “show, don’t tell” is one of the most basic and oft-repeated rules of good writing. I’ll attempt to justify the amount of exposition in this piece of writing, but ultimately I agree with you that it is a flaw, and if and when I rewrite and expand upon this I will work to correct it.
Firstly, like the overly light tone, the amount of exposition is probably a holdover from my previous writings set in this universe. The descriptions of my other Ring aliens were basically nothing but stylized exposition. Secondly, I had a lot of ideas that I wanted to get out, and like you said, showing instead of telling would have taken much longer. Expanding this story into a novella or novel would give more opportunities to show instead of tell, so if I do that I will spread these ideas throughout the story, rather than cramming them all into this one episode. Thirdly, you were very perceptive in your comment that it felt like I was explaining this world to myself. I do often use writing as a means to explore ideas, and that’s what I was doing here.
“The way I do it, is write out an outline and an explanation for the world (usually in the comments of a deviant art page and then make my characters do something that demonstrates whatever I want the audience to know.”
That’s a good idea.
“And how about the eyes "pop in" and "pop out" rather than "go concave/convex"?”
Yeah, simpler words are better. If and when I revise this I’ll only use concave and convex once.
I don’t mind your critiques at all. They challenge me to push beyond mediocrity and think more deeply about this world that I’ve created, and open up new pathways and possibilities for ideas and storylines. So, I sincerely thank you for your comments and critiques.
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Alien
"You may have noticed that the lines and spirals of the clothing emulate the textures of the kahoon’s skin."
I didn't, but I see it now.
"This, and the practice of dermomancy, suggests that skin has a certain mystical importance in the kahoon mind. I’m not sure why this is."
Well...how about kahoons shed their skin? Maybe an earlier voodoo-like belief that possession of the skin gives you possession of the soul evolved into a form of worship of cultural heros/demigods/saints. If you keep the skin of a diseased wise one after it dies, you retain part of their wisdom. Sort of like the relic-keeping practices of Catholic and Orthodox Christians.
There might also be a philosophical school that links the shedding of ones skin to spiritual growth, with death (the shedding of the body) being the last such transformation. Shamans could enter trances, don the skins of their ancestors, and speak the wisdom of the spirit world.
So that's three different religious traditions. Looking at them, they all look kind of primitive to me. Likely modern dermomancy is a much refined and elaborated version of some mixture of these basic sacred practices. (Idea: different Kahoon religions focus on the skin differently)
Cosibs
"and even creates two temporary “genders,” and a family unit of four parents."
Huh. I wonder how those genders are set. They must be mostly cultural...or maybe different hormones change behavior. In any case, the social aspects of becoming the inceptor or receptor might be something like going through puberty or senescence (that is, a rite of passage into another stage of life). The difference here being that the transformation is reversible. Some kahoon cultures might not make such a big deal out of it, but others might have strictly constrained codes of behavior based upon what gender one happens to be. Congratulations, your spouse is pregnant. That makes you the daddy. Wear this tie, drink more beer, and never come home before 8pm. Off you go now.
"It also means that a kahoon will have at least two significant others in its life: its cosib, and its spouse. I imagine that there are sometimes jealousy issues if a kahoon’s relationship with its spouse starts to take precedence over its relationship with its cosib, and that there are traditional family values and codes of conduct to ensure good relations among all members of a marriage quartet."
Right. Choosing a marriage partner would be more about group consensus than personal gratification. Maybe they have matchmakers or go-betweens? Does anyone ever get pressured into a marriage they don't want? What happens if one of the four-person marriage is abusive? Is there any sort of traditional hierarchy or division of labor between the four (even if the modern Kahoons are too progressive to follow it, there will be vestiges)? And the most important question:
Is sex fun for them? How much fun? Do they ever do it when they don't want to make baby Kahoonlings?
>>
I like it!
>>Thanks for the book recommendations, as well. I always appreciate those.<<
The sex advice book is fantastic. It's full of great alien-making ideas. (example: when hemaphrodite sea-slugs, each wants to be the daddy, because the mommy will have to use resources and energy to make the eggs, so they settle the matter like any gentlemen/women would, they duel. They duel with their sharp penises, and whichever one looses gets penetrated and now has to be pregnant. It would make an excellent alien)
"For example, the zeelyats were the main villainous race in a science-fiction story I worked on way back in grade school."
Orsum. I don't suppose they have anything to do with Stephen Baxter's Xeelee? ([link] ))
The Ring
"I don’t yet know who built it, but I don’t think it was the kahoons." Hm. So they just happen to live on the planet it orbits? I guess someone has to, so it isn't that improbable (they ought to have an interesting mythology). Or are they the descendants of the Ring's inhabitants, like the human prims?
spaceflight
"which, to answer your question, probably utilizes some form of inertia-canceling drive, or some similar pseudoscientific sci-fi trope"
Okay. So anyway it's possible to go to anywhere from anywhere,right? Like flying an airplane (in other words, no jump points).
"I have a tendency to write first and ask questions later,"
Hey, that's great. Stephen King said you should never stop and think as you write, because it breaks the flow, and his books definitely flow (with the disadvantage being that I want to throw them against the wall for their comic-book-science babblment)
Anyway, that's why I like this sort of conversation. You may not want to think about the greater scheme of things while you're writing, but at some point you (or at least I) have to step back and think about where the story is going. Then it helps to build a framework off one piece of writing that can you can use to build the next chapter. If that makes sense.
Danaus
>>in the branch of government that deals with interplanetary and interspecies relations.<<
That institution in itself must be really interesting. Or maybe beurocratic and boring.
>>He was specifically chosen for this assignment because of his friendly relationship with the kahoons.<<
Okay. I imagine that since there is so much to be learned about each species, people specialize pretty heavily.
>>Danaus’ father, who is in fact the narrator of my other Ring write-ups, also worked in this branch of government<<
Ookay. I'll check out that link.
>>These people do indeed operate in an advanced social system. The Greater Galactic Civilization has been engineered by a small number of advanced, benevolent Overseer species so that all or most lesser species are able to coexist peacefully.<<
Okay. So we behave ourselves or we get spanked, myright? I understand why you might want to just establish that fact and then move on to tell a different story, but this aspect of the universe has the potential to generate all sorts of interesting stories. I know I’m going to take this in a different direction than you want to go, so you can just skip the next three paragraphs if you want.
How do the Galactic Overseers enforce their non-aggression laws? It sounds like you’re describing a system of dis-incentives to war that range from reprimand to education to outright invasion to (holy crap!) genetic modification. That really would be a terror-weapon, and an extremely effective one. “Disarm or we will release a virus into your atmosphere that will cause you all to lose your species’ aggressive tendencies.” There could be ANYTHING in that virus! How do we know it will do what they say it will? How do we know they HAVEN’T ALREADY RELEASED IT?? It’s good to know it’s a last resort weapon, but the cynic in me says: why haven’t the Overseers simply used this stuff to infect every sentient species they find with a peace-making virus (a Paxogen?), stopping all conflicts before they start.
Which brings up the question of why do the overseers bother to oversee us at all? What can we offer them? Is the GCC just a sort of zoo for intelligent species? Are they simply interested in keeping the galaxy quiet (keeping the children from fighting in the back yard), or is there something we can potentially offer them? Are they looking for taxes? Trading partners? New ideas? Or maybe this is part of some humanitarian project on their part, a sort of missionary project to uplift as many species as they can? Or perhaps we are to be cannon-fodder in the next inter-galactic war?
What do the humans (and other subject species) think of this? I am remembering the history of the Lakota, where American diplomats to the Allied Nations around the Great Lakes told them they were now subject to the laws of the Great White Father in Washington D.C., and were commanded to stop fighting each other. The Lakota didn’t take it well.
This scenario reminds me of a SF book I read a while back, City of Pearl by Karen Traviss: ([link] ). In which humans make contact with a lost colony to find that the colony has come under the sway of an advanced alien civilization. This civilization of pacifist vegetarians maintains the balance between sentient species in their part of space, making sure that no species infringes on another’s survival, or indeed the survival of any other species, intelligent or otherwise. So, they are very eco-friendly and interested in maintaining cultural diversity and diversity of species, an outlook which the main character happens to agree with. She therefore sets out to help them defeat the evil alien species that wants to grab other planets and overpopulate and pollute them. Smiley faces and hugs all around. Except I spent the entire book rooting for the evil aliens, screaming at the government of Earth to start building weapons as fast as they can. Here we have a technologically superior civilization with a very strong moral/religious code that makes them very interventionist and tends to make them STOP OTHER SENTIENT SPECIES FROM BREEDING. This is a very bad thing! It doesn’t matter that their reasons for doing so happen to match the philosophies of some people on Earth (including mine). A strong military power with a tendency to intervene in the affairs of others is dangerous.
So pardon me for my rant. This is my ax to grind at the moment. I am becoming increasingly convinced that oppressed peoples are oppressed, not because their oppressors do bad things to them (not necessarily anyway, although the Stanford Prison Experiment suggests that people (only humans?) put in positions of power over others more or less inevitably abuse that power ([link] )), but because they take away the oppressed people’s right to self-determination. When a nation loses its ability to make its own choices, it ravages the culture of that nation. People either abandon their traditions entirely or hysterically cling to them and refuse to change even when their old way of life is no longer possible. The result is crippling pessimism and desperation on an enormous scale. It’s the sort of thing that causes terrorism.
>>, civilizations, stellar systems, worlds, city-states, etc. all have a degree of autonomy, and are allowed to mostly do as they please so long as the rights of individuals and groups are respected.<<
So, despite my rant above, I think this system could work, if it is (or at least appears to be) a partnership of equals. Perhaps the GCC takes the form of a sort of super-university, where more advanced civilizations try to uplift less advanced ones. This would cause social backlash (the prims?), but hopefully not the rage that foreign rule would. Or perhaps this is an economic cooperation network, like the European Union, where an international government exists to regulate trade between states. So far it seems like if two countries have mutual economic interests, they are unlikely to go to war with each other.
>>The government of the Ring sent Danaus to request permission from the kahoons because not doing so would mean disregarding the kahoons’ autonomy, which would have gone against the morals of this civilization.<<
Fair enough. No doubt there is some oversight committee that makes sure everyone’s autonomy is properly respected.
>>Species such as the zeelyats, which do as they please without regard to the rights of other species and are strong enough to do so with relative impunity, are the thorn in the Greater Galactic Civilization’s side.<<
I can imagine. And come to think of it. If I were a dissatisfied revolutionary, I would make contact with the Zeelyats and try to cut a deal with them. If they don’t respond or respond enigmatically, why, I might just start to worship them. Wouldn’t that be fun?
>>I’m still obviously organizing my thoughts about this universe, but this is my justification for the perhaps implausibly harmonious relations between the various species in this universe.<<
That’s fine, and I hope you don’t mind me poking at your justifications. That’s just how I evolve ideas. Of course you’re free to ignore all of my doom-saying and assume people will behave more or less courteously toward each other.
Wow! This has given me some great ideas, which I will share when I’m finished getting comments on my Kingdoms of Evil stuff.
>>Good point about the light tone of the story. It’s possibly a stylistic holdover from my previous lighthearted writings set in this universe. If and when I expand on this story or write a new draft, I will try to correct that.<<
Well, I kind of like it. I like the voice of this character anyway, and it makes sense that he’s sort of a dilettante. His job isn’t extremely important. He’s the son of another diplomat, so he was more or less guaranteed a job, and he chose one that puts him in contact with a species he finds interesting. Very happy-go-lucky.
>>The Primitivists were inspired by this Wikipedia article [link] , which I stumbled upon a few years ago and has stuck in my mind ever since. Even today, there are people who decry the effect that civilization, social institutions, and technological advancement have had on mankind. This future civilization, which is far more complicated and technologically advanced than our own, and in which humans are ultimately under the power of highly advanced (though benevolent) aliens, would give people even greater cause to object. <<
Obivously I agree. The prims make sense in that context. If the only way to gain self-determination and get out from under the Overseers is to give up all the technology that makes them notice us, then so be it.
>>Later-generation Primitivists carry on the lifestyle simply because that’s how they were raised.<<
It would be useful to take a look at present-day people who are the children or grand-children of primitivists. I’m sure some exist.
>> Some believe that, because of cultural autonomy, the Prims have the right to raise their children according to their own values. Others believe that this is a violation of individual rights, since Prim children are obviously at a huge disadvantage if they ever want to join the Greater Galactic Civilization, and did not come upon this disadvantage because of their own decisions. Currently, the former opinion is more widely held and legally viable, since taking Prim children away from their parents would also be a violation of individual rights.<<
This sounds like the same debate the GCC undergoes about stopping inter-species aggression. The GCC stops wars between species, but what about wars between members of the same species? What about oppression, or poverty, or environmental degradation, perpetrated by members of one species upon their own con-specifics and planet? Does the GCC have a right to intervene then? Surely to do so would deny that species its autonomy and change its culture (imagine if aliens told Americans we could no longer drive cars). Is that justified? In the same way, will the humans on the ring intervene if one prim tribe attacks another? What if prims attack the Kahoons, or another sentient species? What if they cause some sort of environmental damage that threatens Kahoons? What if Danaus sees a prim parent abusing his son? At what point is it acceptable to intervene in someone else’s life, to take away their ability to choose their own path? I don’t know, but it would make a damn fine theme for a story.
>>“Where do they draw the line?” The Primitivists live by hunting and gathering (no domestication), and use only tools they build themselves with the natural resources that are available to them.<<
Good enough. What happens, though, in the third generation, after the original primitivists die? What is to stop the grand-children from learning forbidden technology and making their own lives easier? A good book on that subject is Kirinyaga, by Mike Resnik, in which the leader of a community of Zulus trying to live traditionally on a terraformed asteroid finds out that he can’t stop his community from changing, and his sacred traditions from being abandoned.
Since both reject high-tech, space-faring society, I believe that the kahoons and Prims look to each other as allies.
>>
And as for your critique, yes, this story is very heavy with exposition, and I do realize that “show, don’t tell” is one of the most basic and oft-repeated rules of good writing. I’ll attempt to justify the amount of exposition in this piece of writing, but ultimately I agree with you that it is a flaw, and if and when I rewrite and expand upon this I will work to correct it.<<
Well, you have convinced me that exposition is sometimes a good thing. Expect to see many expositions from me in the near future.
>> Expanding this story into a novella or novel would give more opportunities to show instead of tell, so if I do that I will spread these ideas throughout the story, rather than cramming them all into this one episode.<<
Exactly. It’s good to get all of the background set before you start writing the whole story, I think.
>>Thirdly, you were very perceptive in your comment that it felt like I was explaining this world to myself. I do often use writing as a means to explore ideas, and that’s what I was doing here.<<
Tada! My eight-page response!
>>I don’t mind your critiques at all. They challenge me to push beyond mediocrity and think more deeply about this world that I’ve created, and open up new pathways and possibilities for ideas and storylines. So, I sincerely thank you for your comments and critiques.<<
You are very welcome.
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Just lettin' you know that I did read this, and I will respond to it sometime soon.
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WHOA! That is one freaky dude. I LIKE freaky!
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Awesome, your definatley one of my favourite creature artists, your beasts have so much thought put into them and it shows!
Great story too, I still think you should do a book.
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