Comments: 29
Daizyel [2021-08-30 00:49:42 +0000 UTC]
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Ripplingwaves [2014-10-05 09:38:24 +0000 UTC]
Heartbreakingly magical
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somebodi-else [2014-05-29 23:59:45 +0000 UTC]
That was ridiculously powerful, and it resonated with me. I love the tale of Icarus, and all of the little paths one can take when interpreting it.
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TeenTitans4EVER [2014-05-29 03:06:41 +0000 UTC]
The title and the first three lines drew me in instantly. The rest of the poem was just as beautiful. Loved it.Β
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Meggie272 [2014-05-18 05:42:47 +0000 UTC]
I am absolutely loving the imagery in this. Icarus tales always get me.Β
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Shippuden23 [2014-05-18 04:46:02 +0000 UTC]
This was very beautiful.
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acnero [2014-05-18 01:37:37 +0000 UTC]
this could be one of the guides to life. I found a lot of questions and answers to my own life in this piece of text, so I salute and admire you. have a great flight.
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YukiSnowFallsGently [2014-05-17 22:56:53 +0000 UTC]
Those last two lines. THOSE LAST TWO LINES. Absolutely amazing!
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Sorrowscoldfrost [2014-05-17 22:54:53 +0000 UTC]
Is Icarus that kid from Greek mythology who flew too close to the sun?
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Onyx1303 [2014-05-17 21:29:01 +0000 UTC]
YOU GIVE LIFE TO WORDSΒ Β Β Β Β Β
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rockettreverie [2014-05-17 18:49:05 +0000 UTC]
This is so beautiful! Congrats on the DD!
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knownrecidivist [2014-05-17 17:55:54 +0000 UTC]
Beautiful. Just... beautiful.
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DeniseCroy [2014-05-17 16:00:33 +0000 UTC]
Thank you for this.Β
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learningtobefree [2014-05-17 15:27:13 +0000 UTC]
the imagery in this is priceless:Β
you were just as much a sacrifice as the rest of them
death is the most unforgiving of second chances
or maybe it was all a dream,
you woke on the shore with a mouthful of feathers & hands of ash
or maybe you choked on the weight of the world
when you swallowed it whole like the sea
however, i think this would benefit from even more scrapping. it seems like you have all these great things you want to say but you're not too sure how to combine them all seamlessly, so this is frenzied and choppy. if every single word does not have a direct purpose, delete it even if you're in love with it. this poem could be 3/4 of its length right now and do an even better job of conveying something. i like that you didn't do something super cliche, by the way; it really works in your favor. also, structurally, this would benefit from some reworking. i found myself having to re-read half the lines because the breaks are so awkward. i get that you're trying to make the whole thing comprised of couplets, but that's not always the best option. with the way this poem moves, it would probably be better to have more coherent line breaks.Β
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successwithhonor In reply to learningtobefree [2014-05-17 23:54:07 +0000 UTC]
for the record, this meant to be rather "frenzied and choppy", as i want it to reflect the oscillation between a childlike and intelligent voice. Β more than anything, it's meant to be spoken, so i didn't pay much regard to their structure on the pageβ i agree entirely with you, and tried to make the stanzas a little more coherent.
as for the extra words, perhaps i just like the way those seemingly unnecessary words form a sort of melodic bridge off your tongue, rather than being constrained to the morse-codey "say little, speak lots" paradigm. Β i've always been a rather wordy writer, and i think that's because i really try to qualify that experience in anything, everything, in a direct but also very intricate way. i really like the sound of this out loud, and i suppose i'll have to record something for you peeps.
anyways, thank you so much for the critique; i always get frustrated with how shy people are to express their opinion about the expression of others'
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learningtobefree In reply to successwithhonor [2014-05-18 02:35:34 +0000 UTC]
ahhh i totally get what you mean about being a wordy writer and qualifying the experience, i've been doing that since day 1.Β
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Myrikay [2014-05-17 03:09:14 +0000 UTC]
Oh. Oh, I love this. I love every bit of this. I want to favorite it a hundred times...
I read the comments. Don't get me wrong I love the ending here, but what did you have before? Just for curiosity's sake?Β
LiliWrites is right, I expected something that directly pertains to flying too close to the sun, or the melting wax, but you allude to it subtly.Β
I love this. Absolutely.Β
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successwithhonor In reply to Myrikay [2014-05-17 03:13:01 +0000 UTC]
it said "if only you never strayed too near the sun"
that line and parts of this are from a character study i did for class about a year ago; i suppose some things just need to be revived
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Myrikay In reply to successwithhonor [2014-05-17 04:19:49 +0000 UTC]
Ah. Yes, I like "swallowed it whole like the sea" better.
I really love this piece, I don't think any more revisions are necessary!
Thank you for sharing!
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