HOME | DD
lupus-astra β a poem on the inner workings of my chaotic mind
Published: 2014-03-21 19:30:30 +0000 UTC; Views: 4642; Favourites: 171; Downloads: 0
Redirect to original
Description
it isn't like i'mlazy or anything it's just that
the thought of getting lost
in a crowd of ten or more people
makes me want to puke.
this is not just some
stupid little hang-up that you can
joke about when i'm
digging my fingernails into my palm so
hard that blood is drawn as we walk through
school hallways so packed that it feels
like we're suffocating from too much
oxygen but i just grit my teeth and
laugh "yeah, i know, i just don't like
being around people sometimes."
but you know,
there's just something about the way
my mother says "go out and have a life
and stop looking like the world
betrays you every day"
that makes my stomach drop
or when my dad looks at me and just
sighs, like they've finally realized
i was never good enough to be
their daughter.
and to everyone who believes that
i just need to relax,
to just calm down and think:
fuck you. fuck you for trying to pretend
like you know how it feels when my
bones grind together like broken
gears as i walk by people who may
or may not know me or why i'm always the loudest one
of my friends when we're alone or why i
have to read over my text messages four times before
i can make sure it's all acceptable to send.
fuck you,
because it's all
just to hide the fact that
i am absolutely terrified of what tomorrow
will bring and how i'm probably
burdening everyone around me with my
mere presence and how
i have to be perfect,
i have to focus on others' problems and
not my own, i have to forget that i'm
sad for no apparent reason, i have to
not panic when customers ask how my day is
going, i have to pretend that i don't
want to just close my eyes
and live like i'm dying.
Related content
Comments: 69
Ever wonder why we live? We're just gonna die anyway. Why not die now? I mean life is pointless. And people always tell me "remember the good times Jamia! They,re more good times than bad!" Those people are wrong as fuckπ In my opinion there are way more bad times than good. And we remember those times a lot easier. So we remember those times and they burben us, make us hate ourselves. Some take it harder than others,those who thrive to succeed and be PERFECT, even though they know it will never happen. When they fail the first time, thats it for them, they want to go away from peoples faces. Ashamed for failing. Want to die. Don't take it so hard. I tried and I failed. You're supposed to. I just want to die. Youll be fine. You don't know what I've been through. Please, you failed once leave it alone. ........
.......NO.
And then those people...are GONE.
π: 0 β©: 0
Wow! This is so relatable! I feel like this too... like a mistake that was never meant to be... because all I do is cause unwanted problems when I try to help. Makes me wish I was never born... Then theres my biggest fear too. I think its that I feel forgotten most of the time and all i want to be is remembered by at least one person. Sometimes I even wonder, if I die, who would try to save me? Who would want me to come back from the dead? Who would remember me? Because if all I am is an unwanted problem, wouldn't it be better if I never existed? You are not alone in this ugly world. 
π: 0 β©: 0
Wow! This is some real stuff right here. I'm sick of people acting like they want to help, and then all they do is judge. When the ones who supposedly love you repeatedly tell you that your very thoughts are wrong, you're too negative and that its bringing them down, it's impossible not to feel like a burden.
I can totally relate to this.
π: 0 β©: 0
I don't want to sit here and type my life story out, but I really have to say this is relatable, thank you for writing this. Beautiful work.
π: 0 β©: 0
Ne... my dad's that way too. Trick is to find other people who accept you, the ones who laugh when you spell a word wrong and try to punch your dad when you tell them why you're crying.
Just remember that everyone's a perfect person! All my poems are depressing too XD I worry people
π: 0 β©: 0
Not many people understand what it means to feel like a burden every time you try to talk about your problems. When I was in therapy for my family problems, I wouldn't talk to the therapist because I felt like another person might need this more than me or she (my therapist) had better things to do than sit and listen to the problems of a bratty child. You captured that feeling so perfectly, it made me stop and think. If you talk to someone you aaren't a burden
π: 0 β©: 1
If anything, your a burden for holding it in. You become sad and deppressed. People start to worry.
And when you talk about being the loud one it surprised me. Instead of calling the people that are being loud attention seekers, you understand their reasoning. I was the loudest person in my schoo
π: 0 β©: 1
L. I wasn't trying to get attention, I was trying not to be forgotten. Great job on this masterpiece I can't wait to read more.
π: 0 β©: 0
No one is worthless. If you can write like this, you're not worthless.
π: 0 β©: 0
This has left me mostly speechless. I can relate so well. I swear, you aren't a burden to some people. You've made me feel better, knowing that there's other people out there like me.Β Β
π: 0 β©: 0
This is so raw and honest. And perfect. I also like how you've taken the phrase "live like i'm dying" and spun it negatively...just because of how unique that makes this.
You are quite a poet.
π: 0 β©: 0
Have I commented on this yet? No?
Well, either way, I re-read it, and I'm glad because hot damn this is greatly written
π: 0 β©: 0
Featured here:Β
FeaturesI just wanted to take some time to share some lovely works I have read on here. It was a rainy day today, and I had a cup of hot cocoa, this was the loveliest way to spend the afternoon. Thank you, all you lovely poets!
Β
War by WeirdAndLovely*Lost in Love* by Delice1941
how to grieve for people you do not know by Echolalic-Elliea poem on the inner workings of my chaotic mind by PrussianPersephonePart of being Human: by Lawli-Artsheepskin by Nullibicity
π: 0 β©: 0
"i'm probably
burdening everyone around me with my
mere presence and how
i have to be perfect,
i have to focus on others' problems and
not my own, i have to forget that i'm
sad for no apparent reason"
Hopefully you have sought help because the cognitive style underpinning your every thought acts like a program or software, to string together one non-evidence based thought after another, with each compounding the anxiety and depressive impact. Anyone who bases their mood state on thoughts commencing with words like "I'm probably", "I have to", "I must", "I should" etc. is unaware that they have never learned to think in an evidence based way. Where's it written that you have to be perfect, except in your own mind? It's not written anywhere...........your inner voice does not put your silent thoughts up on the stand and cross examine them to see if there's real evidence to accept them as true. Without real evidence, like you would give in court, or with actual evidence to the contrary, you can dump those irrational thoughts and get some help in learning some of the many possible solutions. The process of learning to think rationally is called CBT = Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Please go and obtain a CBT therapist!!!!!!Β
π: 0 β©: 0
nihilism tends to fill the young minds of young middle-class kids because our society is driven by a high valueΒ towards individualism. Sometimes we need to realize that our search to find ourselves within this social/cultural network is like followingΒ a trail of smoke - yes, it is an illusion and yes, I do sound nihilistic. but on the contrary, you can use the illusion of our "self" as a benefactor of just spend our lives hung up on how no oneΒ understands us... it is very exhausting, and I hope you can grow out of it one day, maybe.
the poem is superbly written you have amazing ability to express your "inner-dialogue" with clarity, but sometimes I wish it was not so straight forward and utilized moreΒ metaphorical imagery. I find writing my poetry in an abstract, cryptic fashion is very therapeutic because nobody needs to "understand me", except for me, but hey! they are more than welcome to try!
My only part of the poem I had a hard time with was when you described "suffocating because of too much oxygen". It just sounds alittle counter-intuitive to me. I hope you keep it up because you ARE an excellent artist of expression, but it seems like you only scratch the "perceptual surface".
π: 0 β©: 0
Sounds all too familiar (though it should probably be prose).
But it's them who should be striving to be good enough for you, not the other way around. Parents, I mean.
As for the others, those worth having around won't feel burdened and won't want you to be perfect. The problem, of course, appearing when someone you want to have around isn't worth it, by that definition, yetΒ that changes nothing.
*hugs*
π: 0 β©: 0
I like it...and on some level, I can sympathize. It sucks feeling like you'll never be good, that you're never going to live up to what you or what you think others want....because then you wonder "How can I get to that level?", and find no answer...and it really slaps you upside the head. :\
π: 0 β©: 0
This brought me to tears but also a little bit happy because now I know someone else knows what it feels like...beautiful
π: 0 β©: 0
I wish that you didn't have to feel like you must apologize for being who you are. I'm not very good with words, and I know that I probably can't even imagine what it must feel like... But I am good at giving hugs, virtual or not, so if you need one I'd be more than willing to give you however many you need to feel better.
π: 0 β©: 0
Beautiful! This describes me exactly. It's like I'm in this dichotomy, where I want to get help for my depression but I'm terrified of opening my mouth.Β
π: 0 β©: 0
It's okay, I can never write anything happy either. It's just not...me. Nobody's perfect, and I know it, but it's just unacceptable.
π: 0 β©: 0
I hope it will get better for you. And you'll be able to enjoy life
-impressive poem
π: 0 β©: 0
I am just sorry excuse for a person, remembering simpler times where all I was was afraid of my own shadow. How did it get to the point where I am picking apart my soul like it is a time bomb (it might as well be) and shake at the thought of all I don't know about myself?
Your poem is lovely, my fascination grows every time I reread it. You have been able to describe such difficult concepts flawlessly; I am in love with your words and the truth they hold.
π: 0 β©: 0
you just voiced my thoughts exactly...
normally its like no one gets it. i'm not pissed off, i'm not upset, i just don't want to be here or be around any people
π: 0 β©: 0
Aw you don't have to apologize for anything. You are a special and unique person and it's okay to not want to be around people. (=Β
π: 0 β©: 0
I understand what u mean 100% because I go thru the same things every day of my life and I know this probably won't help and you can be pissed at me for saying this but sometimes you need to take a deep breath and let it go let go all of the fears. Feel it leave your body and your muscles relax. I would hate hearing this from someone but I'm being honest when I say it works a friend taught me this method and I'll always be grateful
π: 0 β©: 0
You just need to relax...lol
I know what you are talking about... I was abused as a child and was afraid of people... although this might not be you hang up, it was mine, and in that way I was terrified of people standing next to me... I felt for some reason like they were going to hurt my bones.
I used to walk to the other side of the road, rather then greet someone coming my way.
But ya, like I said, it's all over.
I would favor this poem... it's pretty great, but I would like to just forget my past for once.
I did research my feeling once.
there were so many theories but none of them actually fit.
One was that evolution gives us 3 responses to a crowd: Arrogance, disassociation, or hate... also linking up to the fight, flight or fright theory... but none of that was true...
I don't think it is normal for man to hang around allot of people... must be just normal for cave men to stay alone... but then again I could be wrong...
Well regardless, your poem made me think all these things, truly makes me feel happy to be out of those situations, and the same time it makes me wonder...
You sent your message quite clearly through...
π: 0 β©: 0
It made me wanna cry cause this is EXACTLY, word for word how I feel every day and sometimes I really wish there was someone I could tell my sadness and having someone to hug me and comfort me even just a little but I still live hoping that one day I will meet this person, anyway I hope you'll get better and even if you feel bad now I'm sure everything will get better
π: 0 β©: 0
This feeling, I hope I can say, is the worst.
π: 0 β©: 1
...i dont like how you know this feeling. It kinda makes me doubly sad that someone else is also feeling this way because i know personally this sucks and i dont wish it upon anyone else and just. why.Β
but. thank you? for expressing what I can't? yea. its nicely written but i hope you feel better soonΒ Β
(sorry if i dont make a lot of sense)
π: 0 β©: 1
I hope you feel better as well.
π: 0 β©: 0
o.o that ... is ... how I feel most of the time, but it's gotten better. Getting better. Is better.
I have wondered (and internet-researched, but what good does that do?) more than once if there is some chemical imbalance or something aside from my just having social anxiety and being an introvert.
π: 0 β©: 1
I want it to get better.
π: 0 β©: 0
We are intelligent animals with complex, weird brains.
There is no such thing as a soul.
When we die, we die, and there is no coming back, so you have to live life to the fullest while you can, rather than wishing on your deathbed for something that just isn't possible.
π: 0 β©: 1
Don't apologize, please don't. You have every single right in the world to feel how you feel. I really and truly hope you get to feeling better soon, and things mellow out for you a bit! Just continue to be as strong and as brave as you are now.
π: 0 β©: 1
| Next =>