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fernknits — The Sleeper
#anger #family #father
Published: 2013-11-04 09:29:03 +0000 UTC; Views: 209; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 0
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Description
You were out cold.
Is there any higher treason? You slept
so hard with that movie on, snoring
and so I breathed your air --
then with a sharp sigh
broke your silence.
I interrupted your sleeper.
I broke your silence.
Now look
what you've done.
Even if you did drag me
up, by my hair,
your sullen staircase,
gasping -- your air --
even if you dropped me face down
on my blue carpet
and kicked,
even if you smashed
my 33 RPM's and my ceramics --
the hungry, iridescent pig,
the little girl on her knees
all in pink, the Beatles,
and the Stones which were
really my mother's --
even if you did turn my mattress
bottom up, over my head
and tear the leg off
my favorite baby doll
you still would not have
in this rage of yours
forced me to cry.
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Comments: 4
I appreciate the free form, stream-of-consciousness way you've chosen to present this poem, but it does make it a bit disjointed while I'm reading it. I'm not sure if that's what you intended. It's an interesting look into a memory, although I'm not entirely sure what that memory was, if that makes sense.
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This is on behalf of as a reward for winning the contest
This was... a bit of a stream of consciousness, honestly speaking. I get most of what is said, but it wasn't an easy read so far as form is concerned.
I interrupted your sleeper.
I broke your silence.
Now look
what you've done.
Is one example. The line "I interrupted your sleeper" might need working since, it would imply he had someone with him (or on him) when you broke the silence... to me it seemed more like a readymade even though there's obviously something deeper implied.
having said that
Even if you did drag me
up, by my hair,
your sullen staircase,
gasping -- your air --
even if you dropped me face down
on my blue carpet
and kicked,
Was the point from where the poem really picked up pace. Overall, it did have a good start, and it lead to the ending well. You've written a good poem (and since its from personal experience, I grieve for what you had to endure) and I hope you'll continue to write.
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Hmm... Thanks for your critique; it is making me do some serious thinking about the poem. I think you're right about the "sleeper" line not really working. Actually, I am kind of thinking that the poem might not really begin at al until the line "Even if you did drag me". I'm not going to revise this right now, but I will definitely take your comments to heart when I do.
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