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fernknits — Closure
#mother #mothers #selfharm #selfinjury #wounds
Published: 2014-09-29 08:46:17 +0000 UTC; Views: 558; Favourites: 14; Downloads: 0
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Description
Mother, I remember you that late nightin my first one-bedroom.
Your sudden urgency when I phoned
about the lacerations --
my own flux and reflux, growing
steadier and more sure as death
and the darkness grew --
shocked my distrust, and I left
the front door unlocked.
Of course I meant I wouldn't
stop until you came to me
and sopped the grieving pools,
sanguine, from the tile,
the carpet, my bare arms and legs.
Your firm, easy touch stopped
rivulet and rivulet again, the cuts
deep enough to require pressure.
I like to believe you would have
sutured them shut, had the gaping
wounds continued open.
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Comments: 5
Let me just start off by saying that this is a beautiful work of art. What struck me the most was the vivid word choices you applied, things like "grieving pools" and "sanguine" and "shocked my distrust". It made the whole thing that much more powerful, but not overbearing. I myself have struggled with self harm, so I really see where this is coming from, too. The only thing I might suggest could be more powerfully said is the effect your mother had. Why was it only her who could sooth you? Where there other issues, neglect and things? Regardless, you've made a great piece here, and I'm looking forward to more work from you!
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Thanks so much for your time and thoughtful comments! I'm honored that you felt my work was worth the effort.
I have been thinking about the "mother"'s role in the poem, too, and I'm not sure she needs to be there at all. I definitely think that if she stays it would be helpful to include more information about her. It's good to know that someone else has had similar thoughts.
If you have any of your own pieces you'd like critiqued, let me know -- I'd be so happy to return the favor!
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Okay, so this poem is really powerful. You've written it with unflinching honesty and I love that. And I do like how you've ended it on a positive note; to me, the ending is saying that love isn't going to fix something like that, but it's a start.
I especially liked "Your sudden urgency when I phoned/about the lacerations/shocked my distrust" - I just really, really liked that phrasing.
I suppose I don't really have anything to critique here. I know that's what you asked for, but I would leave this as is. It's really good.
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Somehow reading this...I get the impression that the "closure" happened on two levels. The literal closure of the open wounds and the feeling of finality after the trauma of self-harm.
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Excellent! I was hoping that would come across.
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