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DearPoetry — Sundiver by-nc-nd
Published: 2014-01-22 02:46:16 +0000 UTC; Views: 4183; Favourites: 221; Downloads: 0
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Description i.
When I was six a phoenix
tried to drown me.
Underwater I grabbed for fire.

Like Icarus, I was reaching
towards the sun.

I hope he still has
bald spots. I hope he still
cradles searing scars.

He was death,
I was the bird.

ii.
My uncle knows plastic-
wrapped soaps as well
as he knows fine wines.

If he drinks enough,
he thinks it’s love-
carved names rubbing
the silver drain smooth. Diver: 28 days
sweating, ship black against
sea. Like it had been peeled
from amber tongues.

iii.
On my fifteenth birthday, the boy
with stars on his fists and Saturn’s
rings in his eyes told me I was pretty.
It was the first time
anyone had said so. I learned
how to hold my breath,
how to apply foundation,
how to cry

without bleeding tar
down my cheeks,
and how to wear my bones
quieter.

iv.
He says he does it for the money.
He says you have to come up slowly
or else something inside of you will explode.

I didn’t understand what he meant
until I realized my throat was still
somewhere in his bed, tired
and having forgotten itself.

v.
When I left I drove as far
and as fast as I could.
I wear waterproof mascara now. But even

with the feathers sprouting fiery from between
my shoulder blades - I don't look
straight at the sun.
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Comments: 35

LegolasPanther [2014-01-25 22:03:48 +0000 UTC]

Overall

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Originality

Technique

Impact


In complete honesty, I think this poem is very well done. Surprising in its every angle and sections of stanzas. Though, when I read it, it felt that the thoughts were scattered from one to the other. Which is why I focused on technique.

It did however, provide a strong imagery and impact on the individuals condition within the poem. It was colorful and expressive of what was happening. Though on the other hand, it was confusing, as since the topics felt that they jumped around at the same time.

In summation I do love your poem! Keep writing!

~Legolas

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Beyond-An-Anomaly [2014-01-23 03:17:27 +0000 UTC]

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My, this piece is gorgeous. It really had me thinking for a while around what exactly this poem meant...

But first, let's talk about structure.

I actually cannot think of a better way you could have formatted this poem. It tells a story, albeit abstract, into five different sections. Your wording is very precise, and I really love the first stanza:

"When I was six a phoenix
tried to drown me.
Underwater I grabbed for fire."

It already shows the tone the overall piece gives: wonder, and possibly the slight hint of dreams/imagination. The quote, "Underwater I grabbed for fire..." is really eye-catching and grabbed my attention, as it's obviously not a common comparison.

Now, as for the meaning...

This is surely a poem that can be taken in so many different ways...but this was what I got out of it:

i. A young girl loses her innocence...
ii. her uncle is an alcoholic...
iii. she turns fifteen and falls in love with a handsome and dreamy boy...
iv. it turns out he doesn't love her back, possibly only loving her for monetary reasons or just being a more materialistic person...
v. and she feels sorrow afterwards, hoping to be stronger if she ever gets heartbroken again.

Losing innocence and teenage antics are rather common to read about these days, but you wrote the implied story within this poem really well. I really adored the way you wrote this, in a more abstract, surreal fashion; I don't even know if this poem was really about being a teenager. Someone else can come along and pull out a completely opposite meaning from this.

And that is where the true beauty of this poem lies. It all depends on who reads this poem as to what this poem truly means; whether the reader is confused or enlightened, the reader will be thinking when reading this piece. That's what good literature is all about, you know?

All in all, very nice work. I'll be thinking about this piece for a while. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s… " width="15" height="15" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="391" title=" (Smile)"/>

-BAA

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XGrim-GhostX [2014-01-22 15:10:02 +0000 UTC]

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I would like to say that, in some of them they were a bit hard to understand. I am not saying they were beautiful, because they were for sure. Though I had a little bit of difficulty understanding the thought behind the work. Though with two working together, this was still quite an amazing piece. I am happy both of you shared this, because it was a nice read for sure. So kindly keep up the good work, and I hope to possibly see more work between you two. For you both truly compliment each other with writing. Please share your work again with us!

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PhoenixFlamesRising [2014-03-20 00:31:41 +0000 UTC]

Aaagh... sometimes a poem is so perfect, so beautiful, so brutally poignant, that it almost hurts to read it. "Hurts so good" type of thing... This is most definitely one of those poems; literally one of the best poems I've read in quite some time. I'm new to the DeviantArt poetry community, but I'm beginning to think this is a treasure trove of published writers, OR those who SHOULD be published writers. Just amazing...

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DearPoetry In reply to PhoenixFlamesRising [2014-04-19 14:28:43 +0000 UTC]

I hope to be published, eventually!

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Oldsoul-Mira [2014-02-28 00:14:19 +0000 UTC]

this is definitely one of the deeper poems I have read. it's so...I don't know the but it shakes you to the core...

and it's beautiful in a dangerous sort of way I give you two a five-million-star rating <3 and you have inspired me to become a better writer.

~ice-chan 

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flummo [2014-02-17 14:42:27 +0000 UTC]

iii. & v.

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Luna-Rai [2014-01-30 04:45:17 +0000 UTC]

wow, this is beautiful. I particularly enjoyed the third section. 

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helbdrache [2014-01-30 04:28:40 +0000 UTC]

Intriguing

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learningtobefree [2014-01-30 03:47:02 +0000 UTC]

this was actually fantastic

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TarosMyr [2014-01-26 20:36:50 +0000 UTC]

What a wonderful collaboration.

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aikalikka [2014-01-26 19:05:00 +0000 UTC]

The end made me shiver.

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Sammur-amat [2014-01-26 02:42:42 +0000 UTC]

magnificent piece, you two! <3

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DoktorSpankenstein [2014-01-25 18:28:16 +0000 UTC]

This is genius.  I do not use that word lightly.  Kudos to you both.

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SycamoreSea [2014-01-25 15:38:25 +0000 UTC]

(I found the DD on her version and felt it only fair that I leave you the same comment and fave, because this is wonderful. <3)

Wow, I can't even... wow. There is so much here to love. The entirety of i. is perfect, and I adore how to wear my bones / quieter, and the way v. ties it back together is just amazing. Wonderful work (to the both of you) and congratulations on the DD! <3

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DearPoetry In reply to SycamoreSea [2014-01-25 15:42:53 +0000 UTC]

Yeah, I got a DD back in December, I believe.  And you're not allowed to have another for 6 months.
I'm so humbled by this, you have no idea! <3

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SycamoreSea In reply to DearPoetry [2014-01-25 15:45:09 +0000 UTC]

So this is basically you beating the system! Way to go. ;D
<3

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DearPoetry In reply to SycamoreSea [2014-01-25 15:47:13 +0000 UTC]

Not really, but it's pretty flippin' cool! haha

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DamagedHomewrecker [2014-01-23 15:59:04 +0000 UTC]

this is absolutely beautiful. you two work wonderfully well together, you just bleed into each other. lovely.

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LionesseRampant [2014-01-23 10:10:49 +0000 UTC]

Woah, I never would have pegged this as a collaboration! Your voices mesh so well!

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AnotherPassenger [2014-01-23 03:46:50 +0000 UTC]

wowowowow. magnificent.

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luckyCoyote [2014-01-22 23:19:58 +0000 UTC]

umm i am still comfused ._."  Are these poems telling different stories or are the stories talking about one thing and I just can't connect the dots? 

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sense-and-stupidity [2014-01-22 21:09:56 +0000 UTC]

This is an amazingly beautiful piece; it flows so well between both of your styles. 

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lupus-astra [2014-01-22 16:30:50 +0000 UTC]

Goddamn you guys have a gorgeous style when put together. It's like a firework of...awesome. Yeah I'm not very descriptive right now I'm sorry ahaha

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DearPoetry In reply to lupus-astra [2014-01-22 18:23:31 +0000 UTC]

I agree! winterkate is an amazing writer, and so easy to work with! 

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oviedomedina [2014-01-22 14:42:37 +0000 UTC]

They are amazing!

Love specially number 2!

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DearPoetry In reply to oviedomedina [2014-01-22 22:01:11 +0000 UTC]

Thanks so much! You should check out :winterkate:'s gallery, because she's awesome and stuff. :3

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oviedomedina In reply to DearPoetry [2014-01-22 22:21:44 +0000 UTC]

Already on it

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wei-en [2014-01-22 03:04:05 +0000 UTC]

It's interesting to see the different styles interweaving.

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DearPoetry In reply to wei-en [2014-01-22 03:12:57 +0000 UTC]

Yes it is!  I think our styles go great together!

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RoseScarlet [2014-01-22 02:55:12 +0000 UTC]

That is so beautiful.

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winterkate In reply to RoseScarlet [2014-01-22 03:00:13 +0000 UTC]

Thanks so much! She's great to work with

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RoseScarlet In reply to winterkate [2014-01-26 04:54:20 +0000 UTC]

You're very welcome!

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DearPoetry In reply to RoseScarlet [2014-01-22 02:55:49 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

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RoseScarlet In reply to DearPoetry [2014-01-26 04:53:59 +0000 UTC]

You're welcome ^^

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