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Headdress
Published: 2014-02-13 05:58:39 +0000 UTC; Views: 2335; Favourites: 74; Downloads: 0
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Description
i.tread noiselessly, and you become rabbitchild
there is a strength in silence
God hears your footsteps and counts your paces, maybe,
but no one sees, no one speaks
let it be, sweet destiny,
let it have its way with you
;; (& your children)
ii.
i'm no architect, but hear me:
i know a hieroglyphic when i see one
and the writing's on the wall
debutantes' young feathers
won't save you now
daddy knows best, always knows best
iii.
mama sings sad song when she braids warrior knots in your scalp
and sends you to the war that is life
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Comments: 19
A very beautiful piece.
I adore the last two lines, particularly.
Congratulations on a well-earned DD!
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thank you so much!
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Unfortunately I write. Now I am ashamed of those works without this strength or emotional contact. I will follow you a while to see if my personal genre shrinks in fear or grows bold with new knowledge. Well done. Well done.
Yynxs
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thank you so much for your support! i hope you find what you need from following. please, never feel ashamed for writing. not every piece will be perfect, but don't give up!
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"mama sings sad song when she braids warrior knots in your scalp
and sends you to the war that is life"
Those lines really hit me in a sensitive place. I get flashbacks from the personal little war that was my childhood.
It hurts in that sweet, lovely way that only poetry does.
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I really enjoyed parts of this very much.
The first stanza is delightful, though I became tripped up by the double semi-colon and it sort of took the impact away. Is there some meaning that is escaping me for this usage?
What is the connection between being an architect and hieroglyphics?
Lines 4-6 of stanza two are great and the last stanza is PERFECT.
I'm glad to have read some of your work!
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this is a really thoughtful comment, and i'm really grateful for that!
i've been playing around with some stylistic things lately, a lot of times i use semicolons to make something like an aside or afterthought. although if it detracts from the impact, that's counterproductive! i've received a lot of mixed responses from my semicolons, so i'm rethinking my usage.
the main connection is, i think, architects create. so do hieroglyphics, but if you left a hieroglyphic in a building, wouldn't it just be graffiti? i like to leave my things open to interpretation; i think telling people how to look at any form of art is sort of against the point. but i mostly intended to say architects plan and build homes. hieroglyphics are messages not everyone understands, and are marks made on things that already exist. the speaker doesn't claim to be a better homemaker, but still sees the cryptic signs that speak of danger. thank you for asking; elaborating was a good way for me to sort out some of my own leftover thoughts on this piece.
thanks so much for the in depth analysis. i don't get so much of that, but really, it means a lot.
have a nice day!
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Hey!
I definitely agree that playing with stylistic elements in search of one's own voice/style is a fantastic thing! I love semi-colon's and use them a ton myself....the only thing that was weird about that line was the DOUBLE semi-colon's followed by "&" and something in parenthesis. If something in a poem has no real function and is a distraction it should probably go, but don't sacrifice artistic identity/style for others opinions. On that same note, we all can't get away with what EE Cummings did. The key is to find a good balance. We're all searching for that!
I appreciate your clarification. It is definitely highly abstract with loose connections in the poet's mind. In my opinion that portion of the poem needs revisions, but I think you've got a strong draft here with strong direction and voice, it just needs a bit more focus to keep the reader's attention. I definitely dig it so far.
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generally i just go with the double semi-colon, but i definitely see your point. with everything else, it becomes too busy, at least that's what i think now. i agree; as my grandmother says, 'all things in moderation!'
this poem was mostly an outlet for some leftover scraps of thought, though i am striving towards improvement (aren't we all, haha). i'd like to work on longer poems, as i only have really done two or three that have really tangible segues in them. it's one of those things that i'm working on, in addition to stylistic voice. again, i'm honestly grateful for your discussion of thoughts; it's really made me think about some things to improve. constructive criticism is always a good thing!
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I'm glad you are able to see this discussion in a positive light.
Constructive criticism, here on dA, is something that changed my entire perspective on my writing and I'm forever grateful to the handful of people who did that for. Sometimes it's hard to just comment on something a stranger worked so hard on and give them positive and negative. The positive is always easier. Thank you for appreciating this back and forth.
Best of luck on stylistic voice and all things in the realm, poetry. I've been at it nearly a decade (writing since I was in fifth grade, poetry only since 2004 or around there) and I was finally published in 2013. It's a long, tough road, but I wonderfully fulfilling and fun one to be on.
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i feel like it's difficult for a lot of people to take criticism on work that is so personal to them. but, again, thank you for the kind words and thought-out crit. it is always welcomed!
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it was my pleasure. I hope it helped.
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Hi!
Congratulations! This piece has been featured in our Weekly Round-up!
Thanks for writing it and sharing it with the group
From the Admin Team
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thank you, wow! that's so exciting.
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thank you so much! i think that was my favorite stanza of this piece too.
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