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Barnaby — breeding
Published: 2010-02-23 21:51:04 +0000 UTC; Views: 387; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 6
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Description BREEDING


When I think of love,
I picture salmon.

Their journey,
driven by desire,
the pink flesh,
the blank stare.

The river slick with ambition,
each one aiming a schooled burst of muscle,
to leap a barrier,
but ending life
in the jaws of a bear.
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Barnaby - promise of forever
Comments: 6

Swep-Lovitt [2012-05-15 15:40:24 +0000 UTC]

perhaps cut the comma after "muscle" & perhaps "winding up" instead of "but ending life" in your next-to-last line which places the salmon instead of reporting a result. probably could to profit cut the comma after "love" in the first line. i've spent the last ten years going through old poems and removing commas that impeded the flow of the poems

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Negated [2010-03-19 22:26:46 +0000 UTC]

i like.

feels like 'When I think of love,
I picture them.' isn't really necessary though, the ending has more impact (to me) without.

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ndifference [2010-02-23 21:55:46 +0000 UTC]

Gee, with that kind of attitude, you'll never get a date!

IMO, it reads better if you take out the negatives - Not just (L3) and No (L7). Those seem to serve as signposts to the twist at the end. Don't drop hints, just hit us with the twist.

Otherwise, a fine bit, this one. Very nice.

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Barnaby In reply to ndifference [2010-02-23 22:51:01 +0000 UTC]

yes. you are right.

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Barnaby In reply to ndifference [2010-02-23 22:49:02 +0000 UTC]

Cheers. I think I was aiming to appeal to women who like fish with this one. Almost sympathetic, isn't it.

I'll review, though you are no doubt right.

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ndifference In reply to Barnaby [2010-02-24 00:14:35 +0000 UTC]

Well I'm just damned glad to see some fresh writing from you. Glad!

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