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WritingInTheDark — Gone
by-nd
Published: 2011-03-19 04:15:44 +0000 UTC; Views: 195; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 3
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Description
A voice I don't rememberA name I can't recall
All those words you've spoken
I don't remember at all
When I try to imagine your face
My memory is a blur
As if I were looking straight at you
While under the influence of liquor
Your taste was wonderful
But now forgotten
Your smell was sweet
But lingers rotten
Everything about you is gone
Did you ever really exist?
It's almost like everything that was you
The world has now dismissed
But, no, for the tenderness of your lips
With me will always remain
And the feeling I had gotten from your kiss
Still burns like acid rain
But no more will I think of you
No longer shall I dwell
For it was you and those forgotten words
That dragged my mind into hell
A new age has begun for my emotions
A new step, a new life with new blood
As you are the dead leaves fallen to the ground
He is the newly grown leaf bud
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Comments: 22
Nice effort in this, well thought out and mostly flows and rhymes quite well. It takes lots of drawings to make a master and the more you try to rewrite the better it will be. But don't let your muse get lost in the technicalities of grammar. Keep it natural like this and you'll do fine indeed.
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Why, thank you. 
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Pretty good c;
I'm not sure about emotion, mainly because I'm crying right now so I'm sure how it would be on a regular basis...
But I like the concept.
*dances off to stalk more of your artwork.*
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What? Why you be cryin'?! D:
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Its good crying. No need to worry xD
I cry randomly a lot.
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Weird. o.O Well, at least you're okay!
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Yeah, my thoughts run all around and the next thing I know is I'm crying..but its all good lol.*Is weird*
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Yes, that is quite weird, but that's...strangely awesome. Somehow. xDD
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I really like the idea - it's got a lot of contrast going, and it helps the strengthen the emotions. I don't particularly like the way these stanzas read though.
When I try to imagine your face
My memory is a blur
As if I were looking straight at you
Under the influence of liquor
Your taste was wonderful
But now forgotten
Your smell was sweet
But lingers rotten
The syllables don't read quite right to me - I think it's because the rest of your lines are generally longer, so this just feels abrupt to me. (There are some lines that seem too long though. Such as "Under the influence of liquor." I think it's the 'influence' that makes it a bit awkward. Here is my vague take of it - it's not really the best reworking of it, necessarily, I just feel it flows a bit more naturally. (This could also depend on how you're reading it though.)
When I try to imagine your (adjective) face
My memory is just a blur
As if I were looking straight at you
But under a curtain of liquor
Your taste, your flavor, was wonderful
But now is simply forgotten
Your smell, your perfume, was so sweet
But now it lingers rotten
In the end, it's really up to you. 
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Typically, I enjoy having some lines read long, then others short. I don't know, that's just the way I enjoy writing my pieces. Putting so many adjectives seems, in my opinion, overly done, and I usually prefer to just keep things simple. And not have so many "but"s.
I dunno, that's just the way I enjoy writing my pieces. I thank you form reading it, though.
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*nods* That's understandable - I tend to be a wordy writer, so it felt odd for me. I really respect people who can be content with their conciseness. I just...can't. XD
But you're welcome, of course. ^_^
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Oh, no, that's fine. I completely understand. Sometimes, I just feel the need to be so detailed, but, for me, I have other times where I just want the poem to be straight to the point. But I appreciate the comment, thanks for reading.
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*nods* Mkay then. ^_^ And you're welcome, of course.
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*for
Damn it all. xD
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I do understand where you're coming from about how that line is a bit awkward. I changed it just a tad to where the syllables for both lines sound a bit smoother. At least to my ears. Like you said, we do indeed interpret syllables differently.
And sorry about all the posts. I'm kinda in a hurry to take a test, but I wanted to reply to you before I left. ;D
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wow... i wish i could write like that. that was amazing!
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O_O Uhm...okay? Lol. I only wrote that today, but I guess if you think it's good...
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well thats stupid.. i mean the people not liking it and stuff. i think they just dont have good taste..(; anyways keep on writing. no matter what they say.(:
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Aww, thankies. 
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