Laridian [2014-07-04 02:21:03 +0000 UTC]
Your punctuation and grammar need work. For example:
“You win again” She said.
It should be
"You win again," she said. (note also no capitalization on She)
OR:
“You tricked me” She whined.
Depending on what mood, it could be:
"You tricked me!" she whined. (sounds angry, emphatic)
"You tricked me," she whined. (sounds more passive)
"You tricked me..." she whined. (sounds like her voice is trailing off)
“You know how this has to end, don’t you?”.
You don't put punctuation outside a set of dialog quotation marks.
To me as a reader, poor punctuation is a turnoff because it drops me out of the story when I notice it. So I would recommend that as something you could improve upon. I hope that helps!
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turretart In reply to Laridian [2014-07-04 02:49:00 +0000 UTC]
Yes, thank you very much. I will admit that my punctuation and grammar is... pretty bad. I will be sure to fix the mistakes you mentioned and whatever others I can find. I am typically so eager to get content based feedback on a story that I don't focus on grammatical issues. I understand though that it can be distracting. Like my 4th grade teacher used to say, "Writing a story with spelling and grammar mistakes is like giving a speech with your zipper down" (Hopefully I punctuated that correctly, if not, my apologies). It made me giggle at the time, but I now understand what she meant.
Thank you very much for the feedback.
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