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thirsts — We Burn Ourselves
by-nc-sa
Published: 2010-10-05 23:29:35 +0000 UTC; Views: 251; Favourites: 6; Downloads: 1
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Description
burn,rebel:
Swallow down our snaking flames
Rising, rising brilliant--bolder than
Your mouth that vomits, that spits
Derisive wit and tired revolutions.
Your name is at last ours to slander!
To bruise below our system's fists.
so burn, rebel,
With the poor man's sullied fists,
In a wraparound of scarlet flames.
Shriek your petty banshee slander,
But a place much darker than
This Earth awaits you. To failed revolutions!
And a drink to hell! The fire lurches, spits.
burn, rebel
Whose creeds are what the Devil spits,
Who dared our distances with fists
And naked feet. You sparked revolutions
But you're dying now in flames.
Why then,
Do you insist on slander?
BURN,rebel
Ears will not commit to one man's slander,
No matter how aggressively he spits.
The system's voice shouts stronger than
A man's; bruises deeper than his fists.
So die! Die, delinquent, in these hungry flames!
We've destroyed your revolutions.
Burn, burn, BURN, REBEL
Stop your clamor! Your revolutions
Will not speak louder than our slander,
They will not rise against our flames!
Men, burn off the mouth that spits
At us. Tighten the chains around those fists.
His defiance dies tonight, in flames.
Then the rebel said,
The stubborn rebel said,
"If these fists make me a villain, then
I pity heroes. Flames cannot stop revolutions,
And slander cannot shut the mouth that spits."
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Comments: 8
I think the ending is appropriate - it always was about crushing his resistance, so the turnaround makes sense and gives it more dimension.
Also, niiiice sestina. Those aren't easy.
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Thank you! Sestinas are actually my favorite form to write - precisely because they're so challenging.
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The rebel mentions how flames cannot stop revolutions, in correlation, he should say flames can only start them. Likewise, add something to "slander cannot shut the mouth that spits" like "nor can it open the poor man's fists." Reverse the slander part and the flames part in the last stanza so it ends with flames (only starting, if you choose, and) stopping revolutions, to make the piece more punctuated, because you're right, it ends pretty abruptly. I'm not confident in the title of this piece either. Something like "The Match The Sparks the Fire is Always The First To Burn" would be catchy (if only deviantart allowed that long of a title). I think you use your repetition well (because it's a sestina), so I wouldn't tweak that too heavily (despite other feedback) and the imagery here is quite aggressive. Fun to read. Fun to think about and comment on. Thanks for sharing!
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Thanks for your comment! I appreciate the feedback.
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I think it's fine, other than the word "slander" seems to be overused. I have no suggestions for you because I fail.
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Hahah, that's still good feedback, thanks! Do you mean the word itself repeats too much or that it's just a trite word?
+ Thanks for the 
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Yes, the word repeats too much.
De rien.
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Ah okay. It's necessary to repeat it that often, since it's a sestina, but I can see how it would be redundant, I'll work on that, thanks again! (:
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