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Description
Hey guys!

I uhh,.. i don't really know if i should write this down or if even want to.., if anyone wanna know about this, hahahah
I think i should tho, -it's been fucking ages... and i'm so so sorry for that.

There are some of you who i really am very fond of, and care about! And i think you know it if you're one of them.
I feel like a shithead for not being here for you guys! Also for you other watchers of mine, i love you all damnit
So i guess i should tell you all why i suddenly disappeared.

uhhm
where should i start..
It started with a simple artblock, everything ended up like shit xD (Like that Luna sketch above)
I just couldn't draw anything.. other than that i was doing very good! ..But after a while something else happened.

I was just sleeping over at my friend's house. We stayed awake all night watching animation and horror movies, but then a sudden nausea just burst on to me.
So i went home... but it went on for hours after that. I tried to rest it away, but it continued for three days and it was just horrible....
it went away and the first week of the school year was great! But then it came back, as attacks, with several other pains like numbness in hands and feet, i was sweating, my heart was racing, got chills everywhere, i couldn't breathe..... i thought i was going to die! It really felt like a heart attack or something..
So when it calmed down, i googled EVERYTHING, every other sympthom (which is the stupidest thing iv'e ever done).. all i got on everything was cancer, cancer and cancer. -'I had cancer.
I freaked out, i cried, i knew i was going to die.
Everything was so similar to what i experienced, i was SO sure i had cancer.
So i skipped school for a while, and the attacks kept on coming, mostly out of nowhere or if i was stressed. It was just horrible.. some nights were sleepless and i even called the doctor.
....After a week or two, -i went back to school again, it had calmed down, and i thought it was gone for good. I felt great, and i laughed at how i thought it was cancer. It was so stupid
But it didn't take long until it happened again, and i googled again, i cried again and stayed up all night, or should i say several nights....
i got all paranoid, down right crazy... i started to get depressed again, which i never thought would happen after all those years i used to struggle socially. But it did.
I lost all hope, i thought i was sick and was going die..
---After another week i went to my doctor, i did all kinds of tests to see if everything was on check. Nothing turned out to be wrong, everything was fine.
But of course i googled everything, so i found a case where they said that there was a doctor who couldn't discover cancer or other dangerous diseases before it was too late.
I freaked out again, and the pain went on...... doing art wasn't really an option, -i even forgot that i used to draw when i felt down.
All i could do was to isolate myself, watch tv and try to eat something... i was so nauseous i couldn't even eat properly, i thought i would throw up. It sure felt so.
One morning after one massive shitty day, i had a lump in my throat, and thanks to my stupid knowledge, i thought it would block the airways and kill me, i, of course, panicked again and cried my eyes out because i thought i was about to die, so i grabbed three melatonin (sleeping pills) to calm myself down so i could breathe properly, fall asleep and survive. I woke up and it was gone.
But the lump appeared along with the attacks sometimes.. and i was just so frustrated.

After almost a month of depression, fear and anger, i spoke to my doctor an hour each week, and we finally found out what was wrong with me.

It was anxiety. I had panic attacks.

And when i started to Google things about it after the first attack, i just made myself even sicker and developed general anxiety disorder along with it. good job, Misaki.. (I became and i am still extremely afraid of storms, natural disasters, terror and dying)
That's why i was nauseous for three days straight after the first panic attack.
Everything depended on my feelings and mood..

We also think we know why i actually was able to get that panic attack in the first place.
I used to take a pill of antidepressants everyday until some day in spring 2015. Because i didn't struggle with depression anymore, but i made a mistake and ended the use very sudden.
So my body reacted like a fuck and fucked up my mental Health months after i stopped using them.

So me and my doctor decided to let me start using them again, and it slowly got better and better.

And now i only get a panic attack once every two weeks! AND I'M SO FUCKING GLADWEFHYCEDSJ

--------
.... heehhe, now you know why, and it's pretty fucked up eh?
So i hope no one thinks that i was being a dick and ignored you all!

I'm so glad i have this site to share my art and feelings with you people! AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE IT!
I don't know what to say..

thankyou so SO MUCH.
I love you all

_____________
Oh!! And by the way, this Luna sketch above is one of my drawings from the horrible time of my artblock and anxiety days.. hahah, don't judge. Couldn't do better at the moment
-----------------------------------------

I haven't forgotten Your gift XquiizitGam3r ♥
But i need a while.. hehh

Description
Hey guys!

I uhh,.. i don't really know if i should write this down or if even want to.., if anyone wanna know about this, hahahah
I think i should tho, -it's been fucking ages... and i'm so so sorry for that.

There are some of you who i really am very fond of, and care about! And i think you know it if you're one of them.
I feel like a shithead for not being here for you guys! Also for you other watchers of mine, i love you all damnit
So i guess i should tell you all why i suddenly disappeared.

uhhm
where should i start..
It started with a simple artblock, everything ended up like shit xD (Like that Luna sketch above)
I just couldn't draw anything.. other than that i was doing very good! ..But after a while something else happened.

I was just sleeping over at my friend's house. We stayed awake all night watching animation and horror movies, but then a sudden nausea just burst on to me.
So i went home... but it went on for hours after that. I tried to rest it away, but it continued for three days and it was just horrible....
it went away and the first week of the school year was great! But then it came back, as attacks, with several other pains like numbness in hands and feet, i was sweating, my heart was racing, got chills everywhere, i couldn't breathe..... i thought i was going to die! It really felt like a heart attack or something..
So when it calmed down, i googled EVERYTHING, every other sympthom (which is the stupidest thing iv'e ever done).. all i got on everything was cancer, cancer and cancer. -'I had cancer.
I freaked out, i cried, i knew i was going to die.
Everything was so similar to what i experienced, i was SO sure i had cancer.
So i skipped school for a while, and the attacks kept on coming, mostly out of nowhere or if i was stressed. It was just horrible.. some nights were sleepless and i even called the doctor.
....After a week or two, -i went back to school again, it had calmed down, and i thought it was gone for good. I felt great, and i laughed at how i thought it was cancer. It was so stupid
But it didn't take long until it happened again, and i googled again, i cried again and stayed up all night, or should i say several nights....
i got all paranoid, down right crazy... i started to get depressed again, which i never thought would happen after all those years i used to struggle socially. But it did.
I lost all hope, i thought i was sick and was going die..
---After another week i went to my doctor, i did all kinds of tests to see if everything was on check. Nothing turned out to be wrong, everything was fine.
But of course i googled everything, so i found a case where they said that there was a doctor who couldn't discover cancer or other dangerous diseases before it was too late.
I freaked out again, and the pain went on...... doing art wasn't really an option, -i even forgot that i used to draw when i felt down.
All i could do was to isolate myself, watch tv and try to eat something... i was so nauseous i couldn't even eat properly, i thought i would throw up. It sure felt so.
One morning after one massive shitty day, i had a lump in my throat, and thanks to my stupid knowledge, i thought it would block the airways and kill me, i, of course, panicked again and cried my eyes out because i thought i was about to die, so i grabbed three melatonin (sleeping pills) to calm myself down so i could breathe properly, fall asleep and survive. I woke up and it was gone.
But the lump appeared along with the attacks sometimes.. and i was just so frustrated.

After almost a month of depression, fear and anger, i spoke to my doctor an hour each week, and we finally found out what was wrong with me.

It was anxiety. I had panic attacks.

And when i started to Google things about it after the first attack, i just made myself even sicker and developed general anxiety disorder along with it. good job, Misaki.. (I became and i am still extremely afraid of storms, natural disasters, terror and dying)
That's why i was nauseous for three days straight after the first panic attack.
Everything depended on my feelings and mood..

We also think we know why i actually was able to get that panic attack in the first place.
I used to take a pill of antidepressants everyday until some day in spring 2015. Because i didn't struggle with depression anymore, but i made a mistake and ended the use very sudden.
So my body reacted like a fuck and fucked up my mental Health months after i stopped using them.

So me and my doctor decided to let me start using them again, and it slowly got better and better.

And now i only get a panic attack once every two weeks! AND I'M SO FUCKING GLADWEFHYCEDSJ

--------
.... heehhe, now you know why, and it's pretty fucked up eh?
So i hope no one thinks that i was being a dick and ignored you all!

I'm so glad i have this site to share my art and feelings with you people! AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE IT!
I don't know what to say..

thankyou so SO MUCH.
I love you all

_____________
Oh!! And by the way, this Luna sketch above is one of my drawings from the horrible time of my artblock and anxiety days.. hahah, don't judge. Couldn't do better at the moment
-----------------------------------------

I haven't forgotten Your gift XquiizitGam3r ♥
But i need a while.. hehh