Comments: 9
ladynyk [2002-11-12 15:46:35 +0000 UTC]
Overall, I like it. It could be a lot more powerful with line breaks.. IMO.. this would allow you to emphasize certain words or phrases..
what smiling spangled devil took your soul and left broken needles and cracked mirrors.
This line is amazing.. I love the imagery and the flow.. and the overall tone. It reminds me of the collaboration I did with * stormclouds .
You have a great talent for painting with words. Nicely done.
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groovus [2002-11-06 05:20:08 +0000 UTC]
I like and don't like. It's hard for me to make head or tail out of this.
Line breaks could do the trick.
On the other hand I like the suggested speed because of the lack of interpunction.
Especially since the parts that have much of it really make the reader stop after every point.
The rushy style too blends in with the topic.
The whispering part?: "But this. Is. The. End." (I really like that)
The rest comes to me in a blur of suppressed screams.
Yet there are so many questions.
Maybe I need the other pieces for reference, maybe I'm just too stupid or too whatever to see what you really say here.
So I'm going to read the others in the series and then come back.
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soumyeah [2002-10-03 06:27:55 +0000 UTC]
the world hurries to my lips
what is it i have just read-
that butterflies are flowers in perpetual motion?
imagine swallowing them. they would
flock to the heart. but what about
my bare feet
in puddles of oil?
(pale luminesence)
oil clings to itself- holds like desperate
fingers in anxious crowd.
no- not like that. like darkness
rushing in to fill a hole. i want to
spoon it out and
drink it.
winter kiss and drunk soft mouth-
hands, bone, neck.
a loss of balance- collapsing like snow.
because she wanted to taste my mouth and
i will never see her again.
the mouth is for breathing
the mouth is for speaking
the mouth is for eating-
my heart tastes like a cold metal spoon.
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inanexenophon [2002-09-08 22:22:07 +0000 UTC]
Oh, dear..I find myself biased against this style--HOWEVER, it's very well-written. Nice use of figurative language and metaphors: the tone is extremely solid. I can't say I LOVED the subject, but the way it was written is a success. Therefore, it gets the seal of approval from me. Congrats!
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thelonius [2002-09-07 17:43:27 +0000 UTC]
awesome, best drug poem ive read on da. sucks for the subject.
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phil-light [2002-08-28 14:53:55 +0000 UTC]
I think I'm going to go read the others first... I had a hard time reading through it, but then, I am at work and keep switching between it and DA.
-PL-
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dismarum [2002-03-03 22:56:55 +0000 UTC]
Interesting style...your wording, as always, cuts like a knife...
It's deep and unforgiving...it leaves no room to argue...
"Dissolution" - that was what struck me the most...it encompasses everything...
This is like a long hard fall from grace...
-Dismarum-
~I just want to be real...~
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