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somekidfromno — Confusion and a Memory
Published: 2005-02-11 06:55:12 +0000 UTC; Views: 94; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 2
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Description
It’s ripping at my soul.As I stare at these red lines,
I wonder exactly what I’ve done.
I don’t know anymore,
My brain’s turned into
Autumn leaves on the wind,
Going everywhere and nowhere
All in one instant.
I sap my strength for another day,
Where I won’t feel better
Where my mind will wither
More than the day before.
I wonder what it was like
All that time ago
Only a blur in my mind now,
So far ahead of where I want to be.
I can barely see straight
Help me sort through these images,
All flitting through my head.
I can’t even describe them
How am I supposed to get help
It isn’t natural,
It isn’t normal
Ah just rip another red line
Right through my skin,
All the way to my soul
Where only I can be reminded of it.
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Comments: 4
very nice poem. has great emotion in it and i enjoyed reading it. keep up the good work!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I think this is a lovely piece.
My brain’s turned into
Autumn leaves on the wind,
Going everywhere and nowhere
All in one instant.
this is such a vivid image. keep writing - i look forward to looking at your gallery
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
A decent attempt on the whole. Your choice of vocabulary is good, although at some points you seem to drag some ideas a bit too long for such a short piece. A few grammar observations if you don't mind:
-Check the third stanza, you seem to be missing some punctuation at the end of the two middle lines. Also, check if you really want to say "where" or "when". It depends if you are talking about a date ion time or something more abstract.
-Punctuation on line 2, stanza 4, perhaps?
-Definitely some punctiation after line 4, stanza 5. You are starting a new sentence. Remember that there is no pause at the end of each line, so punctiation is very important in poetry.
Although this is not bad, there is definitely room for improvement. Play with words a bit more perhaps, spice it up. The end could usea an extra "umph". Good job nonetheless.
And excuse me if you didn't want such a breaking down.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
np man, exactly what i wanted. i need to get better and have a better understanding of this writing i do. thanks for the tips.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0