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I.
i asked my mother to buy me sweetener,
and she said "no," and she said "no,
sugar is better for you it's more natural"
so i shrug and i clamp my teeth over
my tongue and sew my mouth closed
and i steal sweet n' low
from the pizza place

II.
my friends watch me pick at my lettuce,
a rabbit-food-lunch that makes me sick
to my stomach, and when i run to the
bathroom during science class they
follow me and ask what i ate for breakfast.
i say "waffles" because they can't know
i won't let them stop me

III.
my therapist asks me if i think i'm sick
and i'm not, i'm strong, but i can't be
not here not here, and the $$$$$$$$
are ticking away as i consider my answer
so i say "yes" and she asks me what
i will become and i say "better"
because that's all they want to hear

IV.
my dietitian sets up a rough meal plan
and she says i won't gain weight on it
somehow i trust this woman with art
on the walls of her office and i pick
through the day in corn-kernel bites,
but the next morning the number goes up
anyway, so i stop listening

V.
i drink chamomile tea for breakfast
and a can of [x] cal lemonade for lunch
and when my friends and i go bowling
none of them see the way my fingers
are untouched with grease
and i dance into the night, weightless
and the next morning my stomach
is painfully beautiful, so i shove coins
and weights into my pockets for the
weekly weigh-in and give my dietitian
a million million fake smiles.

(and i am halfway to the sun—
so watch me. just watch me.
i'll show you how it's done.)