Description
clearly i've developed a fascination with cigarettes and hand-holding and cheek-kisses,
something about thinking about him on starry nights,
when i can draw lines connecting his initials to mine
because he was a cancer and i was a cancer,
and my horoscope told me to keep him close to my heart
so he could peel back my skin and my ribs and my lungs
to steal my words right from my chest
he smelled like Newports and hours-old cologne,
but sometimes it was his smoke mingled with a fresh peppermint
that drew me to his lips and made me wonder
if i could get addicted to the taste of his nicotine
he made me want him next to me, to lay my hand on his chest
while our minds soared into the ocean of clouds and birds above us
and we stared at each other with our eyes closed,
letting our lips speak in a wordless rhythm
that somehow contained three syllables.
Comments: 61
winterkate [2012-07-23 13:51:14 +0000 UTC]
Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
Well, there is a point in here where I should probably be giving criticism, but there should probably be a point in here where I find something to criticize, some recommendation to give. Honestly, I really just loved this work. You were very original, concise, and precise in all your metaphor, simile, and imagery - I really got a great feeling of where this was going and how it ended up there. I never felt like this poem got lost in itself. A brilliant work, and I really like how you've broken all the lines. It comes across as effortless, true, and excellent.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
learningtobefree [2012-09-27 20:19:45 +0000 UTC]
just read this again
ugh it's so perfect c:
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
HappyAsASam [2012-08-18 21:04:34 +0000 UTC]
I love this. Absolutely beautiful.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
learningtobefree [2012-08-05 22:22:08 +0000 UTC]
ugh i love this to pieces,
perfectly relatable and well-written
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Jrwo [2012-07-27 12:32:35 +0000 UTC]
Great,..[link]
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
lalaith913 [2012-07-23 20:35:23 +0000 UTC]
I really enjoy that the love you've described here is like a willing addiction. It's fanciful and attractive, like it's luring you in. Nice work!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
thousandthwind [2012-07-23 20:02:48 +0000 UTC]
why hello there. I'm a cancer, although I don't smoke. Curses.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
thousandthwind In reply to snow-angels [2012-07-23 20:22:01 +0000 UTC]
I never will, don't worry. My lovely voice would be ruined.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
thousandthwind In reply to snow-angels [2012-07-24 01:39:54 +0000 UTC]
Speaking of my lovely voice, I still need to sing to you
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
thousandthwind In reply to snow-angels [2012-07-24 02:00:49 +0000 UTC]
I had a vocal lesson today. The voice teacher said that I had a lovely falsetto. And she's the lead singer of a band named Side FX that I haven't decided whether or not I like.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
snow-angels In reply to thousandthwind [2012-07-24 02:04:55 +0000 UTC]
that band sounds familiar...
also, that's great :3
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
thousandthwind In reply to snow-angels [2012-07-24 02:08:27 +0000 UTC]
I know. I can't find them, as much as I try. Oh well.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
annachip [2012-07-23 20:00:51 +0000 UTC]
and we stared at each other with our eyes closed,
letting our lips speak in a wordless rhythm
god i love that
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Low-light-M [2012-07-23 16:40:13 +0000 UTC]
I love this
If it was music it would be like theater music, because it changes quickly and smoothly, but it still keeps your attention
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
XINDY [2012-07-23 13:28:30 +0000 UTC]
this is so lovely!!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
MelodieRox [2012-07-23 10:31:50 +0000 UTC]
Wow amazing imagery.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Somdoka [2012-07-23 09:38:07 +0000 UTC]
very powerful but at the same time, dreamy and calm. I like it! ^^
And I don't think it's a mistake not to use capital letters. I think this poem doesn't need any, without capital letters it feels more playful and somehow, makes the fascination stronger... I don't know why, I just feel this way.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Somdoka In reply to snow-angels [2012-07-23 14:50:27 +0000 UTC]
you're welcome! ^^
I think opinions like these are just stupid and unnecessary. everyone has their own style and it makes no sense to criticize them for it. you write grammatically correct, I think this is the only "rule" that really matters in writing.
keep up the good work! ^^
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
AdmiralSilv [2012-07-23 07:10:59 +0000 UTC]
Beautiful and unique <3
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
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