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snow-angels — a kiss upon his cheek.
Published: 2011-09-14 01:58:29 +0000 UTC; Views: 1500; Favourites: 63; Downloads: 11
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Description
he didn't have a smileanywhere near his lips.
his expression was blank,
and his eyes were etched from glass;
'i don't care'
they said carefully,
like an unsure whisper.
i don't know why,
but this boy was like nicotine,
hypnotizing,
like a foggy dream.
he was my rescue,
with warning lights flashing
as he came to my escape.
he didn't have a smile on his lips,
but i wanted them anyway.
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Comments: 42
Thank you for submitting to the Critique Folder at #Writers--club ! e.deviantart.net/emoticons/l/l… " width="19" height="19" alt="
Very catchy poem! The length looked sufficient to me and I liked your conclusion. Ending it with a modified version of the opening stanza worked well for this poem and it helped get your overall point across. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/n/n… " width="15" height="15" alt="
You captured feelings of teen romance quite well here! The feelings are explained both through the overall feeling of the poem and your choice of words. The comparison to nicotine was well selected, since it solidifies the sense of addition you wanted to convey.
Keep up the good work!
*TheFinalHikari
Founder of #Writers--club , #LandoftheSky , and #Live-Love-Write
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I liked it, you already had too many coments and I'm no expert to give advices and stuff xD, so I'll just say I liked it, specially the end!
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Very very very nice.
'he didn't have a smile on his lips,
but i wanted them anyway'
Quite precious I think
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baww where's the sharpie line? I feel left out.
but otherwise amazing as usual syddy<3
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it was something like
your fingers left lines on my skin
darker than a Sharpie marker,
and so much more permanent.
thankyouuu anna <3
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oh, okay.. that's really cool ;u; <33
np
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This is fantastic. I really loved the comparison.
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I really do like it...
1) Sharpie line: It does feel like it doesn't feet in, it does kinda get you out of the road, if you know what I mean.and it gives out the idea that a teenager wrote it...which I am not sure if you are one. Yet, at the same time, it makes you (as a reader) somehow identify with it, because, well...it's like the Sharpie generation, even I'm in love with Sharpies :3 <3
2) It is not "too short". Poetry can never be "too short". It just feels like you could've added a better, more deeper feeling to it. That's what it feels like to me. I am only one. And you could have added a "deeper" feeling with maybe adding more details, more....I don't know...more lines that give the romantic ideals, I don't know...let me find my words and I will come back...
I really do like it though...
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i am a teenager 
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You're very welcome. And keep up the good work!
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it's doesn't feel unfinished. however, the line about the sharpie confused me. what is it being compared to with he words "darker lines" and "so much more permanent?"
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i took what you said into consideration, and decided i, too, liked it better without the sharpie part. it was a bit confusing to read, so i changed it
thanks!
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yep, that's much better! the mental image of sirens and lights makes much more sense. 
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The sharpie does seem as if it doesn't quite fit in, but I think it made the meaning work. It's just... a very different element to the poem.
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thanks! i'll take note of that.
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This really flows smoothly, and i love the subject matter, very descriptive too~ <3
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