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SigilofDreams — Fading Consciousness
Published: 2006-02-20 03:07:03 +0000 UTC; Views: 278; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 14
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Description
Fading ConsciousnessMy fingers barely grasp the pen
while the cold bars my thoughts.
Warmth falls to memory and its
ravages of lavish embellishment.
Ice holds its own fire as my limbs
char black in the excruciating
delusion of heat. How could I have been
so blind; to die here in the white cloak
of silently falling snow?
O, my God, if only my spirit was clean
and clear as the snowflakes; the very crystals
of water that freeze my bones. Still, they are pure,
and know no sin. Your son is mirrored,
but he gives little
for now the followers are here to sacrifice me.
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Comments: 28
"Warmth falls to memory and its
ravages of lavish embellishment. "
I'm not sure what you are trying to say with these lines.
The o might look better as Oh.
The thing that stuck out for me most was the almost prayer at the end.
That I feel was just lovely. I would suggest extending it, making it into a much longer peice but I fear that it might lose some of it's discontected, dreamlike qualities.
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"Warmth falls to memory and its
ravages of lavish embellishment. "
This is a "slow-down" piece. It really makes you think about what you are reading, and causes you to pay more attention.
Layman's terms the excerpt means, "Warmth is now only a memory, and memory is never accurate."
O will stay O. O is a christian thing.
Short and sweet is how I like it. Length tends to lose meaning sometimes. My message is conveyed so it ends.
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This is interesting, it makes it seem like if theres no escape. Very spooky if you think about it. I like the thought process behind this, good job ^_^
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I like the religious reference, adds alot of depth to the piece.
Really nice work, keep it up
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You have some really nice imagery and thoughts here. Great work, keep it up. This part though: "
Your son is mirrored,
but he gives little -
"gives little" or "means little"? But irregardless, it's your own poem, and a great piece of work.
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He "gives" little since he has sent his followers to take life away instead of give anything at all, except for death.
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Okay, thanks for clarifying that. I'm not exactly very good at reading in poetic meanings.
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np at all. Thank you for the critique
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And your best is truely worth remebering. I love your work, I'll defiantly be watching you ^.^
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Quite a lovely use of words. It paints a magical picture in my head. I'm envious of your abilities. I love religious works. Simply beautiful
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Thank you so much. I'm flattered
I love painting pictures with words. It is one of the things I do best.
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I don't know how I could critisize it, but it is very beautiful, and you did a great job.
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Thank you very much.
What points in particular did you like
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I really like good spiritual poetry. I don't particularly like the ending though. I like how your idea evolves throughout the poem, the change between the two stanzas, but the ending lines ("Your son is [...] sacrifice me) are weaker than the rest of the poem, a lot weaker than the image you used just above (the purity-snowflakes image).
Overally I like it. If I liked the last lines as much as the rest, it would have been a fav.
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Odd, I believe the ending to be the most powerful in the poem...
It connects with the emphasises on the purity of the snowflakes by comparing them to Christ.
Then the dying person feels forsaken in death as s/he points out that the pure "followers" are there to sacrifice him/her.
The image is never really broken; it builds up to the end.
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This piece of poetry is almost hypnotic...It makes me want to draw a snow scene now...and I don't normally draw snow..crazy.
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I'm glad you think the imagery is that strong. This is one of my favorites of my poetry.
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i really love the emotion that you put into this peice. i could feel that i was being pulled into this. keep up the good work. i do a lot of writing as well. i hope to see ya around.
ashley
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Thank you, I am proud of Fading Consciousness. Which is rare for me; I usually cannot seem to approve of my own writing, but some things just come to you, and they are... different.
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i love to write. you can see on my page that i mostly do write. just now am gettin into the art things. love to do work on apophysis.
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Now this, I like. I'm not sure why but I really do, especially "Your son is mirrored,
but he gives little for now the followers are here to sacrifice me." I'm not sure if you were refering to Jesus/God or not, but that's what I got from it. I think that's a great ending line.
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Thank you, and yes, that is what I implied. I'm glad you like it.
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I like how you transist from one idea to the other in this, done quite intact yet silently. Good job, I like this.
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Thank you for the praise
I'm not conceited, but it is still nice to get a compliment here and there
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No problem! It really is great work 
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