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Description
For a good while now I've felt like things have been going downhill. Outside things in my life were fine, money wasn't an issue, pets were relatively healthy, nothing was inherently wrong. Still, it didn't feel that way. Things felt more overwhelming and I tired so easily. I came across a video by Jaiden Animations, something that didn't immediately strike me as something that really applied to me too much. Then she talked about everyone having their own little ecosystem and how we should take care of our own, not someone else's. So...what did my ecosystem look like? If our habits and things reflected how healthy our little mind-islands are, how good would mine be? I'd been thinking on it for months and realized it wouldn't be very good. Physically and mentally I was running myself into the ground and wasn't sure how much longer I could survive like that. It'd become clear to me I'd developed Binge Eating Disorder. Piling on 70lbs over ~1.5 years has worsened every aspect of my life. I had to cut doing things with friends, close my patreon, and for awhile wasn't doing any art at all. It was a numb routine of spending the nights unable to sleep and hating myself, then inevitably binging once Cody left for work because it was the only thing that made me feel better, but I could never have him see my eating that much food. A hate spiral of shame and guilt over the binge started the process all over again. I had to so something, or I was going to die, either deliberately or through poor health.

But where do I begin? With such an awful mountain of demons to conquer, some that have been with me my entire life, what the fuck was I supposed to do? How did I break it down into problems I could actually beat? The PMDD tends to ruin any progress I make. With hundreds of failed attempts to make things better what the fuck was going to steer me in the right direction to actually improve my life?

Well...help comes from the weirdest of places sometimes. Just as I hadn't expected an animated video on youtube to open my eyes to how much trouble I was in, I didn't expect some rant on Minds about free speech and the toxicity of social media to be the catalyst that got me going in the right direction. It wasn't even the post itself, but the song linked at the end. Helvegen by Wardruna. I was immediately drawn in. It's one of the few songs that's actually given me chills listening to it. I started listening to other songs by that band, then found similar bands like Heilung and Danheim. For the first time in months (years?) the chaotic pain in my head lessened. The music led me to a very old interest I had as a kid-preteen in the Wiccan/Pagan religions. Back then I dismissed it because I didn't care for magic, and was pretty mired into Christianity. I spent a few months reading up on it. I joined a few wiccan subreddits and lurked for awhile. Now that I was older, and looked at it through an atheistic viewpoint, it was more appealing. I enjoyed the idea of personifying things as gods, writing "spells" to flex a very atrophied poetry muscle, getting into mindfullness meditation, and connecting more with nature.
To be clear, I don't believe in any supernatural gods, I don't charge my crystals during a full moon, and I certainly don't believe in any actual magic. I just find the aesthetic and rituals fun and calming. Since involving myself in it beyond more than just reading, I've felt better. I'm no longer spinning in circles not knowing where to go or start. When I get into a bad episode of suicidal thoughts I can turn the music on and without fail, it stops it. When this is essentially a healing chant, how can it not?
As it stands, I'm happy to be uploading this piece at a time where I don't actually feel as hopeless as it portrays me to be. With any luck, that will stay true. If this all goes as well as I'd like it to, I'll be painting more personal pieces like this, personifying the battles withe my personal demons and the immense work I'll be doing to purify my little mind-island. I've grown quite attached to my persona dragon, even if I currently have her reflecting all my issues in her appearance. It's time I get myself to a good place, both mentally and physically.

Description
For a good while now I've felt like things have been going downhill. Outside things in my life were fine, money wasn't an issue, pets were relatively healthy, nothing was inherently wrong. Still, it didn't feel that way. Things felt more overwhelming and I tired so easily. I came across a video by Jaiden Animations, something that didn't immediately strike me as something that really applied to me too much. Then she talked about everyone having their own little ecosystem and how we should take care of our own, not someone else's. So...what did my ecosystem look like? If our habits and things reflected how healthy our little mind-islands are, how good would mine be? I'd been thinking on it for months and realized it wouldn't be very good. Physically and mentally I was running myself into the ground and wasn't sure how much longer I could survive like that. It'd become clear to me I'd developed Binge Eating Disorder. Piling on 70lbs over ~1.5 years has worsened every aspect of my life. I had to cut doing things with friends, close my patreon, and for awhile wasn't doing any art at all. It was a numb routine of spending the nights unable to sleep and hating myself, then inevitably binging once Cody left for work because it was the only thing that made me feel better, but I could never have him see my eating that much food. A hate spiral of shame and guilt over the binge started the process all over again. I had to so something, or I was going to die, either deliberately or through poor health.

But where do I begin? With such an awful mountain of demons to conquer, some that have been with me my entire life, what the fuck was I supposed to do? How did I break it down into problems I could actually beat? The PMDD tends to ruin any progress I make. With hundreds of failed attempts to make things better what the fuck was going to steer me in the right direction to actually improve my life?

Well...help comes from the weirdest of places sometimes. Just as I hadn't expected an animated video on youtube to open my eyes to how much trouble I was in, I didn't expect some rant on Minds about free speech and the toxicity of social media to be the catalyst that got me going in the right direction. It wasn't even the post itself, but the song linked at the end. Helvegen by Wardruna. I was immediately drawn in. It's one of the few songs that's actually given me chills listening to it. I started listening to other songs by that band, then found similar bands like Heilung and Danheim. For the first time in months (years?) the chaotic pain in my head lessened. The music led me to a very old interest I had as a kid-preteen in the Wiccan/Pagan religions. Back then I dismissed it because I didn't care for magic, and was pretty mired into Christianity. I spent a few months reading up on it. I joined a few wiccan subreddits and lurked for awhile. Now that I was older, and looked at it through an atheistic viewpoint, it was more appealing. I enjoyed the idea of personifying things as gods, writing "spells" to flex a very atrophied poetry muscle, getting into mindfullness meditation, and connecting more with nature.
To be clear, I don't believe in any supernatural gods, I don't charge my crystals during a full moon, and I certainly don't believe in any actual magic. I just find the aesthetic and rituals fun and calming. Since involving myself in it beyond more than just reading, I've felt better. I'm no longer spinning in circles not knowing where to go or start. When I get into a bad episode of suicidal thoughts I can turn the music on and without fail, it stops it. When this is essentially a healing chant, how can it not?
As it stands, I'm happy to be uploading this piece at a time where I don't actually feel as hopeless as it portrays me to be. With any luck, that will stay true. If this all goes as well as I'd like it to, I'll be painting more personal pieces like this, personifying the battles withe my personal demons and the immense work I'll be doing to purify my little mind-island. I've grown quite attached to my persona dragon, even if I currently have her reflecting all my issues in her appearance. It's time I get myself to a good place, both mentally and physically.