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RadicalEdward2k3 — Epitaph for a Friend
Published: 2004-09-28 07:39:40 +0000 UTC; Views: 190; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 17
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Description
A familiar smile scars your face,an empty smile your cheeks can't brace.
Your gilded eyes that shine so bright,
but fail to mask your mind's dark night.
We know your past and you are forgiven,
but your weakness then has left you driven.
Driven to think you are defeated,
as though you deserve to be mistreated.
Your mind is closed and I cannot reach you.
Believe me, I tried, I did beseech you.
I sieged and I raged, but the gates are too strong,
though mine would be too, if I hated myself as long.
You convinced yourself that you were only a care,
but you never considered us without you there.
You helped us by removing a burden, but could you then...
Tell me the relief found, in an epitaph for a friend...
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Comments: 8
I think this sounds really condemning, considering it's supposed to be an epitaph for a friend. It sounds like this friend committed suicide and you failed to understand it. While suicide may seem very hard to understand, it is not a sign of weakness and you shouldn't judge or condemn it, even if it seems completely irrational to you.
I think the rhymes certainly pose a problem and I again wish there was more imagery. "dark night." is redundant, as nights are by definition dark. The third stanza seems too incoherent to me, like random rambling. The last two lines of it sound awkward. The ending could use some slight revision, but is quite powerful as it is.
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That first part is simply a matter of opinion, you can try all you like but I doubt you will change my views of suicide being the weakest and most dispicable of escapes, without any redeaming quality.
As for nights, they're often thought of as dark but often times I do not see them as such. Especially in the city. Even as cloudy and gray as it is here now, the nights are still quite bright with all the snow to reflect whatever light there may be. Personally I often think of bright nights, so that term is as much for myself as anyone. And yea, the last two lines are a forced rhyme, if any rhyme at all.
The third stanza is my conversation with the subject. Atempting in vein, to reason with them.
I do hope you'll forgive my being defensive on this matter, because yea, I am.
-Justin
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I hope you will read my essay on suicide when I get it finished. I hope it will be able to show people what suicide really is - the act that requires more courage and determination than anything in this the world, not something that a weak person will be able to complete. This is something you can only learn when you study the subject enough, with an open mind.
If you really care about someone, you will accept the decisions they make, no matter how hurtful they seem. A part of caring is learning how to let go. I think you should try writing another epitaph for this friend, without any bitterness or judgemental views. I'm sure he would deserve that.
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Hah, I dont think I will be reading that. I am a student of psychology, I have my views on suicide and you have yours.
I accept that my views are not shared by everyone, that doesnt mean I in any way find myself flawed in my thinking. Such is the nature of matters of opinion. As such, I would wish that you, someone with an open mind, will accept my opinion. Do not atempt to state such a thing to me as fact, because as much as you think you are right, I too am set in my ways. The same way you reason that someone must be strong to complete such an act, I reason that they are entirely too weak to face the troubles of their lives.
While I apriciate your constructive criticism, I dont think this the place to debate such a matter nor do I even care to. I'm sorry if I sound defensive yet again, but as I read it, you're quite simply telling me a "I'm right and you're wrong" situation. I think it would be wise if we just agreed this is a matter of opinion.
If it would so please you (and I doubt very much it would, but just in case), I wrote another 'poem' on this topic. Feel free to peruse through it at your leisure, it's pretty much the same message so I warn you ahead of time in case it's opinion is contrary to yours. [link]
-Justin
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I like this, a lot. This may seem lame, but I'm going to go ahead and fav it
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3rd stanza is kinda weak ... particularly the lines ending with were ->>> cur ... seems out of place
also, last line of the 3rd stanza is sorta vague.
i think it's the formatting for part of it, every two lines were a thought in the first, second and last, but in the third, it's one thought a line. The first two lines work alright, but the 2nd and 3rd seem like you just threw in the cur thing for a rhyme, and like i said, the last two lines, while the 2nd to last works, dont work together.
With all of that out of the way, this is wonderful. It kinda hurts to read it... it has a very sincere feeling to it... I most likely wouldnt have dared critique it if you hadn't put the lil critique setting to "welcome"
but yeah justin, this is lovely work here
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Criteques are always welcome! They're tasty and they point out things that I either agree with and change or disagree with and try to discredit you with rumors and a spray I use to make people smelly.
And I agree that the were/cur thing is weak, I didnt like but but note the time I was writing this: 4 AM. I was also kinda outta it due to Tylenol Night Time Flu being so powerfully awesome. I also dont like the last two lines... I love how it ends but it dosnt flow like the rest of the poem.
However I like the 3rd stanza's last line. Prepare to be stink sprayed. It's soposed to be saying I can't reach them because they refuse to be reached. They've loathed themselves so long that they are without a saving grace and cannot be helped.
-Ed, now with one less vile of stink spray
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