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QuinapalusTheFool — Dead Like Roses
Published: 2012-05-10 02:31:35 +0000 UTC; Views: 290; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 5
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Description
Dead Like RosesIt's crumbling now, that old, dried rose in the green-speckled terra cotta vase on my desktop.
I rescued that rose, just like I rescued the vase from a neighbors rubbage sale.
The rose was pretty, lush and vibrant once, full of life. I can't say the same for the vase.
It was red, I think, and I remember thinking it was ironic that someone had scraped off all the thorns before handing them out, as if he didn't want to remind us that sometimes, life is ugly.
I remember looking around in some kind of numb shock only to have my eyes inescapably drawn to my rose and his brothers, the only beautiful things left at the edge of the world. I watched stems swirl in fingers, leaves shredded, petals plucked.
I am familiar with that kind of numb shock - that sterile, detached feeling like the hospital smell that clings to you when you leave the little white room with its stiff chairs and thin tissues.
When everyone else let their roses fall, life in a pale heap on a wooden box, I held on. My rescued rose and I watched as red was swallowed by brown. Only a month later, the perfectly clipped lawn forgot its own scar.
The rose isn't so pretty, now.
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Comments: 1
Hello there, I am making a Critique in behalf of as you requested.
To start off, the general story is very interesting to look at, it gives several mysterious hints all over and it makes the reader wonder the story behind the rose and the narrator. You made a great job leaving me in such a suspense and make me imagine what could be behind this.
There are some parts in the redaction that are a bit confusing and I had to reread them so I was making sure there was no misunderstandings. Some of the confusing parts go because of the use of the comma. For example in the sentence "The rose was pretty, lush and vibrant once, full of life." The comma between the "once" and "full" makes it a bit dull to fully understand the sentece without having to read it twice, so I could suggest either erasing the comma or changing the "once" word before the "pretty" word, also adding an "and" at the last adjective to make it sound logic, so it is more clear to the reader that you are mostly talking about the past of the rose. It would turn out something like this "The rose was once pretty, lush, vibrant and full of life."
When you spoke about the vase, right after the description of the rose, I was expecting to read the description of the vase in the next paragraph, and when I saw you were speaking about the rose, I had to reread it to make it have logic. I would suggest to add "The rose was red" so we understand you aren't following the vase idea; that would make it clearer. The comma in the same sentence, in the part "as if he didn't want to remind us that sometimes, life is ugly." is unnecessary, though I understand that you wanted to remark the "life is ugly" part. For an alternative in the idea, you could have put some dots right before the "sometimes" word. It would also add some feeling to the sentence.
I fear to say I couldn't quite understand the part where you speak about the rose's brothers. Maybe you were meaning the character's brothers? Because the following sentence could seem to read the character was referring to his family.
And lastly, in the very last sentence the comma is also unnecessary and stops the whole idea of the sentence.
You got really great potential for writing and transmiting feelings and suspense, I could clearly see that in your narration. You just need to work out in those commas, and I am sure the reading will soon be easier and faster for the people who check out your writing. You did a great job nevertheless; keep improving and never give up 
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