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Puggy88 — Darkness part 2
Published: 2011-12-31 00:45:28 +0000 UTC; Views: 236; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 0
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   While I was walking I heard light footsteps behind me, they were tailing me as I walked. I tried to lose them by turning sharp at the corner but it seemed they wouldn’t leave. I started to speed up, so did the footsteps.” What do you want?” I yelled as I turned just to reveal an old, torn-up, rugged man that looks like he hasn’t shaved in weeks. He nodded. “What?” I said, even louder this time. This time he took out a little, thin notebook that looks like it has been used for years. Inside it he wrote;

Sorry for making you feel uncomfortable, you are the only person I have seen in 10 days. You are probably wondering why I’m not talking to you, that is because I am deaf. But since I haven’t been my whole life, I have gained the skill to read lips. That is how I understood most of what you said.

   “Oh I’m terribly sorry, um I’m new here and-” I said until he cut me off with a finger to my lips. “Um did I say something”? He wrote back;

No, I just understand better by feeling the vibrations of your vocal chords, May I.

    And he put out his hands. I felt awkward, but I didn’t mind. I needed someone to be around since I was going to be here for a while. New Brunswick was no Toronto, but the maritime air was nice against my skin. For once in 2 weeks I feel like I am my own person and not a little puppet. It was getting a bit awkward without any talking so I asked the man “What do you do around here?” The man didn’t answer when I heard a little kid giggled. “Is anyone there?” The man wrote.

I thought you already knew I was behind you.

   “No no no its not you, didn’t you here that laugh?” The man nodded. “Tee hee” I looked behind the corner and there was a little 8 year old boy. “Are you lost little fella” I asked worried for the kids safety. “Nope, I was looking for food, and then I saw you” he said with a smile. New Brunswick was starting to creep me out, people haven’t seen other humans in days, it is hard to find the basic neccecites to survive, and everyone was looking for me.

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Comments: 8

Puggy88 [2011-12-31 03:45:15 +0000 UTC]

ok i read it and i understand everything about detail and visualizing and repetition but the other comments about the character im not so sure.Think about it, if you were someone that had no one to be around and you need help, wouldnt you take all that you can get concidering they didnt hurt you the moment they saw you.

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SkyfireTheSolarDemon [2011-12-31 01:53:04 +0000 UTC]

It's cool; I just wanted to point out a couple of things.

-A teenager girl would probably not let an old man touch her vocal chords....
-Also, since the man was old, he probably would not be able to catch up with her when she sped up/ran.
-People just don't use vocal chords to find out what others are saying, I believe
-You need some way to indicate when the man is writing, and when it's just the text.
-It seems that by

Some advice for the future:

-You make each scene go by wayyy to quickly. Add in more detail, more about the character's actions, everything. (Also include more about the background, explain where they are) Make the reader visualize.
-Don't use the same word to describe how the character is feeling in the same paragraph or even 2 paragraphs. (For example, the word awkward)
-More things about surroundings >:U lol
-You need to have more complex sentences, or else it could become a bit boring.
-Slow down your scenes
-Try to make your characters sound different, in reactions, actions, talking/writing, and their movements.

For example:

My reaction: Slicing my way threw the large forest; I quickly spotted a leopard camouflaged in the large, wide bush. His eye's stalked my every movement. Shocked, I jumped back, falling as well. Quickly, I staggered back onto my feet.

Leopard’s reaction: My sharp eyes could spot any movement made ___ meters from me. I spotted a small glint of red in the bushes as it brushed against the jungle's life. Slowly, I crept closer and closer, down in the dirt, trying my best not to spook my prey. Not noticing her screech when she saw me, I quickly slid back into the shadows.

(I know animals don't think like that, but it was just my interpretation of it. You see, a leopard is slim, sneaky and sharp. A human would be terrified of the animal because they would know it eats meat. And they are meat. Since they have 2 different situations, and personalities, so they react differently. )

What I really liked:

-You used proper punctuation (Finally! I’ve been bugging you about that for such a long time lol )
-Good format/sequence
-Original plot, which is actually the most important. One of the popular books I’ve read, (Shiver series) the girl runs away because her parents banned her from seeing her boyfriend/they don't care about her. But here, it seems like they keep fighting and everything, and tries to make it on her own. I really like the plot. Like REALLY like the plot. XD
-Leaving Cliff hangers always make the reader come back for more.


Anyways, I really hoped this helps, the reason I kind of critiqued you here is because I really want you to continue it, and improve on the way as well.

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Puggy88 In reply to SkyfireTheSolarDemon [2011-12-31 02:29:16 +0000 UTC]

Ok that was wayyyyy to long so i wanted to say one thing cuz thats the only thing i read. Helen keler was deaf and she put her finger to peoples mouthes to feel the vibrations of their voices

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SkyfireTheSolarDemon In reply to Puggy88 [2011-12-31 03:11:48 +0000 UTC]

But I worked hard on it to give you advice! Please read it... :/

And I didn't know that. ^^

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Puggy88 In reply to SkyfireTheSolarDemon [2011-12-31 03:46:22 +0000 UTC]

also i tried to show when the man is talking but it wouldnt show up when i subited it

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SkyfireTheSolarDemon In reply to Puggy88 [2011-12-31 03:49:31 +0000 UTC]

Ok. Hopefully you didn't find that my advice was offence.. I really never meant for it to be offence. :3

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Puggy88 In reply to SkyfireTheSolarDemon [2011-12-31 03:52:16 +0000 UTC]

i never find your advice offenceve i know you mean no harm but in stories not everything makes sence

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SkyfireTheSolarDemon In reply to Puggy88 [2011-12-31 03:52:59 +0000 UTC]

Yep, that is true.

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