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OracleGlass β The Alchemist
Published: 2005-06-22 00:12:18 +0000 UTC; Views: 710; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 27
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Description
The AlchemistA potion mixed of words,
conjouring up a mist
to softly wrap her shape.
Gleaming softly in dim light,
more words he sends across,
vibrating with promise:
βFor you you you are beautiful!β
Applies sentences like reliable formulas,
watching as the brittle surface
of her self-trust starts to smooth.
Brushing off remains of gloomy days
that had covered her in beamless patina,
he sees his reflection in the shiny new skin,
eagerly searching for that last ingredient
that will give a spark and
light her eyes like a Bengal fire.
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Comments: 28
That was actually quite incredible 
I really can't offer you any sort of critique, since I have almost NOTHING to offer, hehe, but I really did love it - makes me feel lame for not reading your stuff earlier
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thank you so much!
xx
Ella
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Great piece! Could definately use to cut out some of the filler words such as, "that", "the", etc. For example:
As you have it now:
"Gleaming in the dim light,
more words he sends across...
...Applying them like a reliable formula,
he watches as the brittle surface
of her self-trust starts to smooth."
Re-written:
"Gleaming in dim light,
more words he sends across...
Applying them like reliable formulas,
he watches the brittle surface
of her self-trust start to smooth."
["them" could change to "sentences"] sentences being a formulation of words, following your alchemist theme
The imagery is wonderful.. I like your idea of self-trust being brittle. Tighten it up a bit and you've got one very well written piece.
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Hmmm yeah I see ur point..sometimes I'm just not to sure if the whole things works without those filler words in English...but yes go for plural is always a way out..wahhh I'm so excited right now..all those helpful comments..maybe new adjustments will end the phase of tinkering on this particular poem.
Thank you soooo much for taking time to have a look.
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You're welcome 
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Great work, I love the delicate feel it has. I loved this line especially "light her eyes like a Bengal fire." I can't really thing of any constructive criticisms right now, but great work!
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"that had covered her like a patina". I would suggest not using "like a", because if something is covering her - it IS a patina. Using this as a metaphor instead of a simile would strengthen the image you are trying to create.
I like the idea of self-trust being brittle, and then smoothing out. It makes sense to me.
I appreciate the messages that lie within this piece, and I think it would be possible to actually tighten it up just a little - eliminate some unnecessary words. Let your metaphor inform me. You could probably do a small series on the alchemy of love. Just a thought.
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I see what you mean..again thats where I just have to face my limited language skills I think, still too much German language rules hidden in English writing, lol. Thank you a lot for pointing this out. Yes I will work over the poem again..it has already come a long way and I'm quite happy to see it taking shape.
As for the series..do you do mind reading at all? As a follow up is already in planning
Thank you so much for taking the time to suggest improvements...that kind of feedback really helps to get better in time.
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I would be happy to read any future "Alchemist" pieces, let me know when they appear!
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"For you you you are beautiful!"
I can't say I'm a fan of that line.
However, I can say that I love this one!
"light her eyes like a Bengal fire."
Bengal, brings to mind the image of a tiger, very bestial imagery!
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You know what? Sweat was running down my forehead when I saw Yaanon left a comment on the poem...phew but is luckily less worse than expected lol. Yes you're right that line is maybe to cheesy/overused whatever..BUT that a line that I really cannot change..lets say personal reasons
Anyway thanks a lot for stopping bye
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Maybe I won't say anything bad or you'll find a way to call my house and sell me something >O
Ok...
I love the imagery (omg I'm just like EVERY OTHER DA COMMENT EVER!).
You take words and make them palpable, and that is awesome, I love it. There, how's that for a synonymn to "I like the imagery"?
I don't like how "shapes" is plural in the first stanza. I don't know why you made it plural, but it just seems so...eh, I picture a female in more than one shape, and it gives me a weird image.
What's a Bengal fire?
psh...ok, I'm done. Nice poem, made me think of Fullmetal a bit.
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Hmmm see the "shapes" thing..I guess that was an language interference..as in German you would use the plural..so I didn't even considered it to be akward to do the same in English. Good that you pointed it out..fixed it
As for Bengal fire: its a type of firework that will "spit" (multi)coloured sparks?
AND: *giggle* for the call comment..you know you want to so just note me ur number lol. (Just to defend myself here..please read "Connections" too then. I'm not as bad as ruthless as you think 
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cool, thanks for clarifying on the bengal fire thing, I love learning something new!
And, haha...I get enough calls from telemarketers...they're not generally bad people, they're just doing what they're told
I understand completely!
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I like this, though I'm not quite sure what's happening... At first it seems like he's talking to a real woman (which brings up an interesting comparison between psychology and alchemy...), then it seems like he's creating some sort of automata. It's interesting to say the least. I'll have to think about it some more, though at the moment I'm having a hard time getting a certain similarity to ETA Hoffmann's story "The Sandman" out of my head.
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It reminded you of the creepy "Sandmann" story? Oh dear. lol But yes I meant to write about how people whose opinion we trust can change us..make us more confident...from the perspective of the one who intiates the change and taking joy in it...that was my idea behind it anyway
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Yes, I can see what you were getting at--it comes across especially well in the beginning. (I love Hoffmann though, and I find myself discovering paralells to his writing in a lot of things where I'm sure it's unintentional, so here it was "The Alchemist" and I just instantly thought 1. Der Sandmann, 2. Die Automate.)
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I'd really like to make a really long and appreciative comment, but I just can't bring myself to. Well depicted, though, and quite unique really. I can see this in my mind's eye; but I can't figure out if he's creating her or healing her. Well, either way, this is... good
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Thanks for commenting at all
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Healing into a renewed and refined creation for the better. Accepted and applauded
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quite a cute charming lil piece... the idea of making the perfect girl... like wierd science crammed into an archaic poem, nice... could use a bit more imagery if you plan on going through it once more... but it is a nice piece as i stands..
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Clever and original. I'll have to check out your gallery, Ella.
Nits: An extra space after "Gleaming." "Bengal" should be capitalized. Also, there shouldn't be a comma after "days." I also recommend inserting a comma after "across" for consistency, although the enjambment serves.
~M
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Thank you very much for pointing that out..fixed it
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You're welcome...and I will!
~M
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The comparison of Alchemy to love was a brilliant and for the most part innovative idea. I love this poem as its very universal yet is written with a high level of thought and understanding.
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Wow... I like how this actually has no straight reference to gold-making and instead seems to be something more spiritual, witch-crafty. I love some of the words used here, bengal, patina, they just give the poem a mystical air to it. And I loved the imagery of the first stanza... its good to see a beautiful witch. Or at least, I think she would be. Hmm... I guess this isn't an overly helpful or insightful comment, but I can't seem to do anything today, really. Anyway, I enjoyed it.
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