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nihilim — a time to fly
Published: 2004-02-17 18:34:05 +0000 UTC; Views: 1960; Favourites: 10; Downloads: 150
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Description
The bird, an extended cremation,
its wings were thin coffins.
Crushed from below
in all directions,
rotating through
each one at a time,
it has a stomach
full of dead seeds
and lead.
It sang a sound like
splash, (not very pretty)
and fell.
A ripple on the water said,
"I'm here," not was. I liked that,
but not as much
as before.
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Comments: 44
beautiful poem.. great writing... i love it...
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Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. The imagery of the bird falling, and a watery grave... so utterly perfect.
I really like that last stanza. Very much the climax and the jewel of this poem.
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discovering your poetry is an adventure. nice work.
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I like the title of this. I think it fits. Those opening lines are so pretty. The word cremation leant in the same stanza as coffin. Kinda makes you think of the way groups and words and ideas sort of take up the room that the actual things, and stuff, and people, really need to get on by.
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being the first anything i've read in weeks, i'd have to say i really enjoyed it. for me, it means something.
dae.
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While reading I figured that this could be shortened even, without hurting its impact. That it sure did, made me laugh even. But mind that if you minimize on the use of verbs you can easily say the same and bring the action to the final blow, sorta.
Enjoyed lots tho.
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I couldn't quite get into this one. The first two lines are perculiar in their structure and broken up which I personally didn't think was the best way to start a poem. the second stanza has a much better rythm which you break when you introduce the lead shot being in the birds stomach. So it's like it's flying then it's shot and it's falling to the floor. Good stuff.
I thought the last stanza was ended it beautifully. It's so simple and clear and using the word "like", such a commonly used, mundane word is quite a powerful understatment.
Just thouht the beginning kinda lets it down.
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God, I loved this.
I imagined myself with a rifle shooting birds.. hehe.
I'm evil like that.
I have nothing intelligent to say. So, I shall cease.
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like watching coffee cups break in reverse, this fascinates me. reading the last section makes me feel like the wtaer and the bird are having an amazing conversation and we interrupt them only at the very end. as if the water is both greeting and saying goodbye to the bird at once.
don't even think about landing, good sir.
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"an extended cremation". i just love that. and the rest of it, but that should go without saying.
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I like your compact sparity here, it adds punch.
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for valentine's day huh?
The bird, an extended cremation,
its wings were thin coffins.
interesting... like it, provocative... though i'd prefer it "the bird was.." becuase of the use of "were" soon following
Crushed from below
in all directions,
is that possible?
rotating through
each one at a time,
it has a stomach
full of dead seeds
and lead.
nice
It sang a sound like
splash, (not very pretty)
and fell.
for some reason i couldn't help but smile when i read this.. the simplicity in the statement is just too cute.
A ripple on the water said,
"I'm here," not was.
teh not was really threw me the first two times i read this stanza. i think it would work better if it was in brackets, or a line break...
I liked that,
but not as much
as before.
hahaha... yuo devilish git you....
well, you kill birds on valentines day? 
not bad poem.. fun to read...
danny
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Good to see you back at it. Tight little piece.
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a critical comment just isn't in me, because this is so very good.
to me, this feels like you took the butterfly effect and turned it inside-out (the phenomena, not the movie).
just excellent.
i’ve missed your… uniqueness around here.
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now this is pretty fucking good. portrays alot in such a small space, quite well.
and i love nature poetry, in any fashion.
fuckin' A.
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i dig the image, but the first line of the second stanza doesn't work for me.
it feels wrong.
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Good work Sire! The imagery of the helpless bird to human frailty is captured in very apt manner.
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I got a bit tripped up by the structure of the last strophe, but damn, the rest is amazing.
I...yeah. I don't have anything more intelligent to say. Great structure, I love the way the words fall together & apart.
Really good.
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I thought you were going to remove that " sang" on the second stanza.
Oh well.
The start did it for me.
The conclusion is fulfilling though.
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and i vowed not to let anyone talk their way into my pants this valentine's day... damn.
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yeah, this ending is what hits. i'll be reading through this one a bit more to wrap myself around it all the way. "im here" not was. i like that.
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a potent package for such a short poem. a contradiction of diction. it is growing on me more as i read between the lines. why the fuck do you never submit anymore?
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Creepy...
I enjoyed the way you described the bird falling into its watery grave. It was almost in a peaceful way. It's great to finally see something new from you.
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i'll remember this. you've left you mark on me.
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everything that has been said here, minus the asshead comment.
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you asshead.
wicked good poem.
It sang a sound like
splash, (not very pretty)
and fell.
A ripple on the water said,
"I'm here," not was. I liked that,
but not as much
as before.
second half of this really struck at my black heart.
hope you're back for a reasonably fixed period of time.
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i love you!
The bird, an extended cremation,
its wings were thin coffins. - saying extended here intrigued the hell out of me, so gooooood.
Crushed from below
in all directions, - from below and in all directions? how does that work? oh wait... ah, interesting. and sexy as hell.
rotating through
each one at a time, - each one of what? each wing? each dead seed? i'm lost
A ripple on the water said,
"I'm here," not was. I liked that,
but not as much
as before. - mm... maybe if you put the comma after the end-quote-mark? right now it does trip me up a bit.
but anyway, after reading it about ten times, i get such a sense of desire, and a sense of tranquility - at the same time - that it blows my mind completely, mostly because the two don't really go together, and somehow, they are. odd and pleasing.
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I like what this has become.
Line breaks in the last stanza seem akward, though. But I don't know if another way would be better.
Happy Valentine's Day : )
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we love you too mr hilim.
although we only want you for your poetry.
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The perfect Valentine's Day present - a dead bird, or if you interpret and focus inward to what I think it represents; a dead heart.
Good to have you back, cap'n.
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interesting. i really like this actually, it's somethign different from what you usually read for a v-day piece! has a nice structure. but to duplicate bleusoul the "not was" did throw me off
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a v-day poem, huh.
the third stanza, to me, was the most powerful. beautiful work.
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In response to what you said; I say nicely done because the structure changes, yet it still works, something you don't see all that often.
Anyway, I'm the biggest critique of my writing so I'd probably say the same if I were you!
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I really like this.
But... (there's always one of those)
A ripple on the water said,
"I'm here," not was. I liked that,
but not as much
as before.
The "not was" threw me off, though by rereading the verse it became clear. Perhaps you could replace "not was" with " instead of was."
A critic's job is to help the writer say what the writer means, not what the critic means. I hope this is helpful (even if you don't do what I suggest)
peace.
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Love the style, love the imagery, nicely done.
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