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mspadfoot2 — one day in the wind
Published: 2010-06-24 03:07:57 +0000 UTC; Views: 1227; Favourites: 35; Downloads: 5
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Description
you are the smell ofnew books, first opened
and matches, just
extinguished, and
everything good about scent.
as i inhale and you stand there,
the blue of your eyes is
chilly enough that
i need a jacket when i look at you.
you envelop me
with coolness and pride
and i wear my heart like a sore
branded in the skin of my arm
and hope
you will see it.
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Comments: 18
:thewrittenrevolution:
I do think it is finished, at least the ending is really good. The beginning really pulls you in to read the rest. You were asking if you should add more description, may I suggest, to add more scents, something fresh as well... otherwise, love it!
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Thank you. 
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Beautiful piece, your imagery is gorgeous and almost tangible and this poem contains all the deepness of a longer poem without exhausting the topic. It is a perfect example of a short piece of work that goes far beyond its actual length. Great work.
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Thank you so much!
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In my experience only half of the people who believe they are good at writing longer poems do anything more special than rant. I'm not too much of an epic poem person myself, but judging from your ability with shorter works, I would guess you can handle longer works as well.
P.S. You are very welcome.
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I can't. I can't do it. Especially with poetry, it comes and goes.
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aaw, this is so sweet. or cute? one or the other.
i think its prefect just as it (:
love, very much.
xo
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Beautiful imagery, and I loved the line of the coolness of his eyes. It's 98 degrees here with 94 perfect humidity, and yet that line made me shiver just slightly. It definitely feels finished. The last few lines have a feeling of finality and a little bit of hopelessness - which isn't a pleasant feeling, but sums up the piece nicely. I also liked that the beginning is about scent, the middle about sight, and the middle-to-end is about more feel. It's a very sensual poem. I like it. (:
Good work!
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Oh, damn - I typed "94 perfect humidity" and that should have been "percent". My bad!
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It seems very finished to me. I love, love, love the flow, and the imagery; there's so much emotion in this (even if it's not about anyone real or imagined), and it's just very lovely and well-written.
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I just love this 
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