HOME | DD

Iluvocnj2006 [2010-05-01 17:33:52 +0000 UTC]

Overall

Vision

Originality

Technique

Impact

There are so many things that I like about this poem that I'm really unsure of where to begin. I'll start off first with the rhyming scheme you have going on; you definitely did an excellent job with that in terms of keeping with the syllables and whatnot. It got a little iffy at the end but other than that, it's great.

I also really enjoyed the mood you created by using this theme. You can feel the madness and darkness kind of surrounding the entire piece. It makes you feel as if you're right there living it. It takes a lot to be able to get that feeling across and you've done a marvelous job!

I say one or two grammar issues but other than that, this is absolutely wonderful!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Blacksand459 [2012-09-16 17:51:06 +0000 UTC]

Wow. How terrible to be in that mindset...actually a real, physiological place. Since the pain is so consuming, it becomes one's temporary identity, and it colors their world in black, gray and red.

I know of what you speak. I've suffered like this before, and you describe the torment well. I'm sorry you experienced this.

You are able to express yourself so well, it is truly a pleasure and honor to read your work.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

SedahLiah [2010-06-07 20:11:12 +0000 UTC]

This reads very well. You use language with such energy and forceful emotion, I'm very impressed.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Reaper145 [2010-04-20 04:22:54 +0000 UTC]

My gosh, this is absolutely amazing. Its so beautifully written, and just flows perfectly.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Misconducted [2010-04-19 18:42:44 +0000 UTC]

I like the way in which the rhyme gradually deteriorates in reflection of the persona's outlook; at first, grimly and lamentably introspective and still, in the first stanza's final couplet, clinging to the florid notions of romance that archaic language ("morrow") suggests, before becoming fragmented and tortuous with the introduction of the secondary persona, and finally regaining a measure of its rigidity and discipline, but in a newer and more sinister light.
(Goodness me, that was a long sentence. )

A particular grammatical bone I feel I must pick with you is that of the ellipsis. Epplisies (...s) are 3 dots long. Not a major problem with the poem per se, but very frustrating to read otherwise.

The stressed syllable that opens the otherwise anapestic line 16 is emphatically effective, and this line's later caesura quite nicely seperates the imageries of blood and innocence, but retains thier literal relationship that the poem describes.

"Dragging me into the pit of night / To fill my heart with insidious spite" Is, in my opinion, the poem's weakest couplet. Not only does the metre waver for no immediate reason, but the lengthening lines make it scan badly.

The accompanying picture complements the fourth stanza partially, but otherwise I think its relevance to the poem is somewhat strained, though this might be because the foliage seems incongruous with the overtones of bitterness and spite.

Though your metre is, for the most part, passable, I'd still reccomend the excellent [link] for your perusal.

Hope this is helpful/informative/insightful/mildly amusing.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

rockerchick1399 [2010-04-18 23:41:08 +0000 UTC]

this is so very beautifully written. love the language and how well the emotions are portrayed.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

RonneeMazukin [2010-04-18 20:55:14 +0000 UTC]

So good, that now I think you need counseling and fast if you are actually in those stages ^_-

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

the-photographicpoet [2010-04-10 21:34:01 +0000 UTC]

Hey, can you enable critique feature?

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Hakudoushii [2010-04-08 04:29:46 +0000 UTC]

It sounds nice but the periods bother me. I also like the background & font used.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

JJ-Lit [2010-04-07 20:23:47 +0000 UTC]

Ok I enjoyed the whole thing...but the end rocks!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Slartybardfast [2010-04-07 17:44:27 +0000 UTC]

Affection wasted
with hopeless longing opens
the door to torment

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Meltin [2010-03-11 02:39:04 +0000 UTC]

Blow my brains out sad with a scary twist at the end.lol I do however, find your rhetoric tasteful,mettlesome(with t's,not d's),and ever so eloquent. Nicely done.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1