HOME | DD
LostBlueDreams —
The Mask
Published: 2004-01-03 13:27:51 +0000 UTC; Views: 3587; Favourites: 48; Downloads: 1896
Redirect to original
Description
Yes, there once was a time,Where I wasn’t afraid,
To be myself,
And just to be me.
But now the years have past,
Onto a dreamless time,
Where I grow through the roots,
In a bottomless pit of anger.
I have the scars to prove it,
Both beneath the mind and…
Across my once frail flesh,
I fancy them I do, yes…
Proud to have caused pain,
Towards both family and friends,
What do they care?
I am just me after all.
Perhaps I should get rid of the mask,
That has hidden my identity for so long,
Oh, so long…
But I love it so much, I cuddle it, kiss it.
I cannot part with this mask,
For it has become a part of me,
It has overwhelm too much of my being,
What am I to do?
I cannot just throw it away,
No, hold it, pat it, fondle it,
I do love this mask,
But I also hate it with a passion.
What should I do?
Do I have a choice?
There is always a choice,
Perhaps then… I should die,
So I can be free of the mask.
And be me again.
LostBlueDreams~
Related content
Comments: 94
Wow. That was absolutely wonderful! I completely relate to what you're saying. That's how I feel too sometimes.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
The seventh stanza is especially moving, because you show the love/hate relationship a person has if he/she is wearing a mask (not a real one, but one that hides what the person is really thinking or feeling).
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
This is good and so true for so many people. I wrote one on a similar line called 'Hidden Identity'. Check it out if you want
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I'm sorry to say that I actually didn't really like this poem =\
It just seemed really simplistic... both in language and in depth... and then just awkward at times.
"Yes, there once was a time,
Where I wasn’t afraid,
To be myself,
And just to be me."
I don't think the repetition here is effective, and I think the whole thing sounds kind of like conversation in a hair salon, answering an offhand question.
"But now the years have past,
Onto a dreamless time,
Where I grow through the roots,
In a bottomless pit of anger."
I'm not sure the last two lines make sense in conjunction, and though the key words seem to be "anger" and "dreamless" in contrast to a "past," I don't think that the other words do much to accent or ennunciate that, but rather to cloud and make something so simple to say become vague and convoluded.
"I have the scars to prove it,
Both beneath the mind and…
Across my once frail flesh,
I fancy them I do, yes…"
The first 3 lines are fine, though generic. However, the last line makes me think of some english woman talking about some food she happens to like, or else golom saying "yes" to himself from lord of the rings.
"Proud to have caused pain,
Towards both family and friends,
What do they care?
I am just me after all."
These lines, again, are fine but still generic and very much the usual ramble of a new age generation. You are just you in contrast to what? Did they expect you to be something else?
"Perhaps I should get rid of the mask,
That has hidden my identity for so long,
Oh, so long…
But I love it so much, I cuddle it, kiss it."
The first 2 lines are ok, except they sound about as dramatic as trying to decide what brand of milk to buy. The repetition in line 3 I don't think is effective. And then the image of "cuddle" I think ruins whatever dark mood you may have meant to convey because now I think stuffed animal parades.
"I cannot part with this mask,
For it has become a part of me,
It has overwhelm too much of my being,
What am I to do?"
Nothing wrong, again, it's just kind of bland and generic.
"I cannot just throw it away,
No, hold it, pat it, fondle it,
I do love this mask,
But I also hate it with a passion."
Line one is fine, but I think it could have had more elaboration about the feelings evoked by having this love/hate relationship with the mask. As for line 2, it shatters imagery again. Pat is a "yes, good boy" kind of action, and fondle is kind of like ridiculous sexuality. It just strikes me as a "what the...?" kind of line. As for line 3, it was severed from line 1 by that disconnection, and seems kind of out of place. And, lines 1, 3, and 4 could have had more imagery and feeling to them. I get no feeling of passion at all.
"What should I do?
Do I have a choice?
There is always a choice,
Perhaps then… I should die,
So I can be free of the mask.
And be me again."
Again, with the questions. And then it seems kind of odd, like listening to someone doing a math problem outloud, trivial and kind of not applicable to us, and we just wait for you to finish. And then the die thing is kind of random and trivial again, such as "Well, I could die, or I could clean my room, or do the grocery shopping..."
I guess I really can't explain how to really convey passion in a poem, all I know is that, despite what passion went into this, I can feel none from it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I sort of like this poem but it is way to straightfoward. Using cryptic verses and eloquent words would greatly improve its message which, I believe, is about concealing your emotions.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
This is something that expresses how a lot of people feel. This is going in my favorites because this is something that personally affects me as who i am. i haven't inflicted pain on myself but have thoght about it mandy mandy times before, and then thought about all of the people that i would be hurting. i wouldn't just be hurting myself i would be hurting my family and friends too! This poem is very well writtren and i think that a lot of people hide behind a mask for most of their lives and don't even realize it. This is amazing and i like it a lot!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Sorry, but I'm with the other's with this, it's a telling piece, not a showing piece. The language is too cliched.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
well i thought it was written very well and i like tha fact that u didnt follow ordinary conventions but, it seems to me that this type of poem u wrote is extremely genaric. its still beutiful and one can relate but it just seems like everyone one writes poems with much of the same ideas, expressed in much the same way.
just constructive critism, and my 2 cents.
not trying to be mean
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I feel like I can relate. Majorly. I love it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
T-T; It's kinda creepy...but I still like it. O.o
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Might I point out that sometimes, to truly make an impact, one must break grammatical, and other rules...in any case, the rules of capitalization and punctuation are far different in poetry than they are in prose, and i see an excellent message behind this piece.
Might I also congratulate you on having this piece picked as a daily deviation.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I've thought about it the same way as well. Beautifully written...
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
awsome job @_@ its soo deep and true about having a mask o-o;
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Wow. That is a great poem. Congrats on getting the daily deviation.
Love,
Yaoi Huntress Earth
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Oook. Is very good. No wonder it was picked for a Daily Deviation.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I work on using some poetic language to make this interesting. For example: a metaphor other than the oh-so-trite "mask" , some imagery, maybe some alliteration or a symbol or two?
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I can see everyone's points, on the negative AND positive aspects. The subject of the poem itself is familliar, (see my "Impurity Unmasked"
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
O wowies!!!! ^.^ I have a mask to. Xept I'm not gonna tell u bout it! I'll give u a clue!1 Its the opposite of yours ^.^
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I don't understand how this poem got so favored. Quite a mistake. Very mediocre poem. One or two interesting phrases, but the rest is no good. This is a subject so overdone that only a poem that brings a whole new aspect to it can be successful, and you did ntohing of the sort.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
*nods head* yep, thats what i feel about it. except i didnt find any lines.. and thats unusual, it reads like a chorus to a greek tradgedy, without the pretty language.. maybe the same message, done with alot more originality, and any imagery, alliteration.. something.. and it would be ok..
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
You see, poetry usually incorporates such amazing devices as (but not limited to): Metaphor, Alliteration, Rhyme, and Structure.
This poem is basically you telling your audience EXACTLY what it is you are feeling. The trick is to use the aformentioned devices to make it interesting and different. That's not happening here.
The metaphor of the mask is also quite cliche.
If you would like constructive criticism instead of this ass-kissing conveyor belt called a "posse", then come down to the poetry forums and set up a workshop.
Otherwise, this is just another journal entry.
:sarcastic:
👍: 0 ⏩: 4
"ass-kissing conveyor belt "
hahahahaha
oh man thanks for the good laugh
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
i will not admit that i just sat there for ten minutes looking for the emoticon where the little dude pounds the floor laughing.
heh.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
thats a nice pic u used for the poem...but the poem itself wud be more understandable if so many confusing words wouldn't twist the meaning...
i didnt get the part *hurting family and friends* that was like a "huh?" but its a nice poem
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
O im da friends with sum1 who got a daily fave wooo good poem bte, lol i havent read this one b4 was this b4 i added u??
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
A very beautiful and emotional piece. I like it.
Personally, I don't see how anyone could say anything bad about it. In my opinion, if someone has a negative thought about this poem, it's because they themself don't really know or understand what the poem is about, due to lack of experiences with the subject, or they're just denying the fact that they can relate to it.
And also, regardless of spelling, punctuation, etc., I feel that the poem gets its point across. Sure, maybe you can fix it up some and make it better, but that's not the main focus. It makes people who can relate to the message feel and react to it, despite any stupid grammatical errors that people pick out, which really don't matter to the piece. Now, don't get me wrong. I love deep poetry. But keep in mind that not everyone is as deep in thought as others. There are shallow people out there, you know.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Sorry .. I may seem rude, but .. I had to say something in connection to your comment. People can 'connect' to things .. and still have negative thoughts about them. And saying those negative thoughts, as long as they are in good taste, will help the person who wrote the piece that you are so rudely having negative thoughts about could improve because of it. Would you suggest those who don't like it lie and say they do? Or only comment if they like it? That would be awful. A corruption of the comment system.
And also: there's writing deep, and there's writing shallow. But, there's also writing shallow deeply, and writing deep shallowly.
Again, I just had to get this off my chest. This post was directed at no one in particular, read it as such. Just had to get stuff off my chest. This will ensure I'll be able to sleep tonight.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
All right, let's rumble. 
Now, when I said I couldn't see how anyone could say anything bad about it, I was stating my own personal opinion. I'll agree that my opinion was quite biased, and perhaps even out of line; my day wasn't going so great, and a little thing ticked me off. But I'm not suggesting that people shouldn't put in their two cents, regardless of their viewpoint. I agree that people should point out ways to make the poem better. But they shouldn't nit-pick it for small things, like grammatical errors or usage of punctuation. And I noticed some of that in other comments. In fact, I was quite disturbed to see people completely bash the whole poem and the writer's skill, without any concern for what she may be feeling. I understand that people need guidance, but what kind of guidance is that? I believe that would only serve to drop one's inspiration and motivation for writing. I seriously doubt those kinds of comments are in good taste, and in my opinion, damage the comment system just as much as lying about liking the poem.
Well, I hope you get that beauty sleep you're searching for.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thanks for the clarification ... I definitely agree with you there. It's quite useless to say something's bad without suggesting how to improve it. Growth should always be the goal.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Excellent work! I hate those darn masks, that even though you hate them, you find yourself unable to take them off, and then...
You're not sure it's a mask anymore.
+fav!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I'm not sure what people mean when they say this is 'deep'. As far as i am concerned this is very to the point and what you see is what you get. The one main metaphor of a mask is a bit clichéd in emotional poetry and didn't really hit me with any emotional force that emotional poetry can claim to hold.
You set this out in a v. personal format which i think is the only way an emotional poem can be set out - it should never sound like it was written for someone else. However, your constant use of 'I' really nagged me and i felt this is far too common in modern poetry. Try and use i and yes less often.
I spotted this under the daily deviations and i'm not entirely sure why it is there if under poetic commendation but maybe if under a good example of a stereotypical view of what emotional poetry must hold. ie, plenty of i's and lazy metaphors.
I find it hard to criticise emotional poetry so i am not criticising your poem.. simply the style.
Keep writing.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Very subtle and deep poem....Then truth,that when we will look our life closer,this just then we will understand,that our masks are us,and we this our mask........Beyond question very close poem of my soul...Thank you ...Jolanta
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Wow. Awesome piece full of emotion and powerful thoughts. I can relate to wearing a mask in front of certain people. I think we all do that in some point in our lives. Congrats on the daily deviation. Simply awesome.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
| Next =>