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Bella: Crap. This again. I thought we finished this already.
Edward: Apparently not.
Jacob: Why am I here? I get no love anyway. –mopes-
Bella: You’re here because I’m here. So deal.
Edward: Why is he here because you’re here?
Bella: Because ‘I’M HOT AND HE’S NOT’ quote on quote.
Edward: Leave me alone about that. –turns away-
Bella: A CAPE.
Edward: GO AWAY! –whines-
Me: Sorry to bother, OF COURSE, but guys…-pokepoke- I have. THE. BEST. THING. EVER.
Bella, Edward, Jacob: What?
Me: ….JESSE McCARTNEY!!!
Edward: Don’t want to know.

Insert Loud Annoying Screeching Noises Here Please.

They got a lotta girls
Who know they got it going on
But nothing's ever a comparison to you
Now can't you see that your the only one I really want
And everything I need
Is everything you do?

“What about Bella?” The beautiful girl asked, cupping Edward’s cheek.
“What about Bella?” Edward said, leaning down to kiss the girl’s neck.
She looked perfect, she acted perfect, she was perfect. Her name was Ella, and she was one of the strongest vampires in the world. Stronger than the Volturi, she was everything Edward ever wanted. She was like Bella except beautiful with no flaws. Every man in the world was attracted to her but only Edward satisfied her needs.
“Don’t you get it, Ella? I love you! Only you! Bella is nothing. She never was. I remember you back at the hospital. You tried to help Carlisle save my mother. I loved you then, I love you now. Bella was there to replace you. Keep my mind away from you. You’re everything I need, everything I want. I wouldn’t trade you for anything.”
Ella pushed herself closer to Edward, kissing him, their kissing growing and going past the boundaries Edward set up with Bella….

Insert Loud Annoying Stopping Noises Here Please

Bella: ….FTW!
Jacob: Edward, wow. You just went BEYOND LOW.
Edward: Wait, what?
Me: HEEEEEEEEEE ^^
Bella: ISN’T THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY??
Me: We’re getting to that part
Bella: THIS ISN’T FUNNY.
Edward: Wait…This is a song fiction…A JESSE FREAKING McCARTNEY SONG FICTION???? Oh god, I remember the days….Back when Alice had a huge crush on Jesse….Terrible times. TERRIBLE.
Jacob: I TOLD YOU EDWARD WOULD HURT YOU AGAIN BELLA, I TOLD YOU!!!!
Bella: STFU.
Me: EEEEEEEEE ^^ -presses play-

Insert Loud Annoying Restarting Noises Here Please

She's no you... oh, no
You give me more than I could ever want
She's no you... oh, no
I'm satisfied with the one I've got
'cause your all the girl
That I've ever dreamed
She's only a picture on a magazine
She's no you... she's no you

“Bella isn’t anywhere close to you, Ella. Even if she was a supermodel, I’d still love you. I’ve only ever longed for you.” Edward said, his hand running over the sides of Ella.
And quite suddenly, just before it got really good and before Jasper could retrieve his wish of never having to feel his brothers sexual need ever again…..

“HOLY FREAKING CRAP EDWARD!” Jacob yelled, pointing at Edward, “I COUGHT YOU I CAUGHT YOUUU!! I’M TELLING BELLLA I’M TELLING BEEELLLAAAA!” Jacob sang.
“You’re telling me what?” Bella appeared from the shadows and stared in horror at Edward and Ella, intertwined in each others arms.
“HOLY CRAP! HOW COULD YOU EDWARD? MY OWN SISTER. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU!!!” Bella yelled.
Edward raised one eyebrow, “You have a sister?”
“NO BUT WE’RE BASHING MARYSUES SO IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER BECAUSE SHE’S A MARYSUE. AND YOU KISSED HER AND EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW I HATE YOU GO AWAY.”
“DIDN’T YOU HEAR BELLA HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU ANYMORRREEE.” Jacob yelled.
“I’M TELLING!!!!!!!!!!!” Bella screamed.
“WHO?” Edward demanded to know.
“I’M TELLLINNNGGGG ESSSMMMEEEEEEEE!!!!” Bella said, running around in circles.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT ESMMEEEEEE!!!”
Ella raised one eyebrow and pulled an expo marker from her coat, “SHUT UP THE LOT OF YOU! I’VE GOT AN EXPO MARKER AND I’M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT.”
Bella, Edward, and Jacob’s eyes widened and Edward whimpered.
“But…but…but… This is a new cashmere sweater….” He whined.

Insert Loud Annoying Screeching Noises Here Please

Bella: HAHAHAHHAAA. I like that.
Jacob: Cashmere sweaters…Who would’ve thought…
Edward: SHUT UP. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!
Me: I like Expo Markers….
Bella: I didn’t know Mary sues carried Expo markers on them. XD
Me: How else would they force the plastic surgery doctors to operate on them?

Insert Loud Restarting Noises Here Please

“I’m sorry, Edward, I liked the sweater too.” Ella said.
“You wouldn’t…hurt it would you?” Edward sniffed, hugging himself, trying to protect the sweater.
“I’m sorry, Edward…”
Bella stood in front of Edward, “NEVER!”
“What?” Ella raised one eyebrow.
“I WON’T LET YOU HURT THE SWEATER!”
“Bella, honey, it’s just a sweater…” Jacob said, trying to persuade Bella to get behind him.
“NO. IT’S EDWARD’S SWEATER AND HE LOVES IT. NO ONE’S GOING TO TOUCH IT.” Bella screeched.
Ella stepped forward, “ORLY?”
“YARLY.” Bella yelled.
“NOWAI.”
“YAWAI.”
“NOWAI.”
“YAWAI.”
“NOWAI.”
After a long stream of going around in circles with the misspellings of ‘No way’ and ‘Yeah way’ they finally came to a stop.
“….Umm….I AM THE EVVVILLLL WIZARD POTTERPANNTTTSSSS!!” Jasper yelled, picking up a stick from nowhere and waving it frantically in the air, hitting Edward in the face.
“MY EYE! THAT WAS MY F-BLEEEPED-ING EYE!” Edward cried, clutching his right eye.
“Jasper…what the hell?” Bella stared at Jasper along with Ella and they both raised one eybrow.
“NO. NOT JASPER. THE EEVVILL WIZAARRDD POTTTERPANNTSSS!” Jasper yelled, going into a superman pose thing.

Insert Loud Annoying Screeching Noises Here Please

Bella: You felt the need to mention Harry Potter again?
Me: YES. YES INDEED.
Edward: I didn’t know Harry Potter was evil…
Me: WELL, YEAH. WHO DO YOU THINK KILLED VOLDEMORT’S PARENTS?!? Geeze, Edward, don’t you READ?

Insert Loud Restarting Noises Here Please

“I didn’t know Harry Potter was evil…” Bella commented.
Ella was slowly uncapping her Expo marker and staring at Jasper. “Well, duh,” she said, without looking at Bella, “Who do you think killed Voldemorts parents?”
Edward paused, “Somehow I think I’ve heard this conversation before…”
“….Umm what was that stupid spell? Oh, right! VODKA TOGGLE!” Jasper…erm…The evil wizard PotterPants…screamed, pointing his stick-wand-thing at Ella.
“So that means that Harry Potter is a conspiracy…Because isn’t he portrayed as the good guy in the books?” Bella asked Ella.
“Yeah, it’s a whole part of this whole plan to gain popularity as ‘the boy who lived’ and with popularity comes power and with power you can take over the world. Duh. I thought you were kinda slow Bella, but I didn’t know you were that slow.” Ella explained.
Edward shriveled on the ground. Hey. Vodka Toggle was a vampire killing spell after all…
Bella nodded, her eyebrows furrowed, she paused and smiled, throwing her fist in the air. “I GET IT NOW!”
“Good girl.”
Seeing Edward’s dead body The Evil Wizard PotterPants ran off into the distance, breaking a window or two. And still, to this day, the Expo Marker that was mysteriously stolen from Ella when she wasn’t looking has yet to be found. Some people believe that the expo marker was eaten by Edward before he died. Others believe that Ella dropped the expo marker between the floorboards as she went to rape Edward’s cashmere sweater by writing on it with the expo marker. But The Evil Wizard PotterPants believes that Charlie, who was never mentioned or seen in the story, had grabbed the Expo Marker when everyone was staring at it. What ever happened to this expo marker? To this day we do not know. Even the smartest scientists in the world have yet to explain it’s mysterious disappearance. Will the world ever know what truly happened to the Expo Marker? We may never know…

Please tune in next time to WTRI191 to learn more about the mysterious expo marker as we talk to researchers who have been studying the case for years.

Authors Note:// I WAS NOT MAKING FUN OF HARRY POTTER. I REALLY LIKE HARRY POTTER. I LOVE HARRY POTTER. DO NOT HIT ME WITH FRYING PANS (Yours-For-Eternity that means YOU TOO!) No, I merely feel the need to mention Harry Potter every now and then. DON’T YOU? –SHMILE-

Edward: No…Let me think….No.
Bella: -blink- What Edward said.
Jasper: I AM POTTERPANTS. THE EVIL WIZARD OF OZ!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: And there you have it folks! THE EVIL WIZARD OF OZ HAS SPOKEN. Let’s hear a round of applause.