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Description
[shitty english coming]

I usually wrote this on most of my deviations, and then, erase it. You can read it, or not.

I used to hate a lot, to fear a lot, to doubt, to feel sick, to cut my arms and legs with whatever came into my hand, to scratch my head until my nails were covered in blood, to punch walls until my hand had crusts on them. To spend sleepless nights smoking, listening to sad songs and praying for someone to punch me, to hit me with a car, for my brain to explode, my back to finally kill me.
Drawing didn't solve anything, it just pushed the problem away, made me focus on something else. The physical pain was always there, sometimes it was so freaking awful I couldn't walk, I couldn't move, and had to stay in bed for days, weeks.
Meds, lots of meds, only those who came with the hallucinations worked, a little. For a night maybe.
I spent my time trying to say to myself : "tomorrow, you'll wake up and go to school. You'll do it."
And then, I woke up, with that pain in my body, in my back, in my head, and the only way to make it disappear was to fall asleep again.
Hospital staff, docs, physiotherapists, whatever you can imagine, I saw all of them. I tried fucking magic. Most of the time, they told me to go "talk with someone, some professional, because that's probably in your head".

Drawing didn't solve anything, but it was helpful.

If u read that bullshit self-centered and pretty miserable, well, congratz I guess, I don't need any "support" words, or beautiful sentences like "fight, I trust u, u can do it, u strong", it's nice, obviously, but it's not helping. I need a joint, a comfy bed, and a movie about witchcraft, I need to know my friends are doing okay, even while struggling with life. I need to tell my dad to go punch a cactus with his dick. I need to hold my sis, and mom.
Thank you so much for your interest in what I post here, some comments made me angry (seriously do u read out loud the words you write sometimes before sending?), some made me really happy. Mostly kept me focused on something else than the pain for a sec, and for that, thank you.

Description
[shitty english coming]

I usually wrote this on most of my deviations, and then, erase it. You can read it, or not.

I used to hate a lot, to fear a lot, to doubt, to feel sick, to cut my arms and legs with whatever came into my hand, to scratch my head until my nails were covered in blood, to punch walls until my hand had crusts on them. To spend sleepless nights smoking, listening to sad songs and praying for someone to punch me, to hit me with a car, for my brain to explode, my back to finally kill me.
Drawing didn't solve anything, it just pushed the problem away, made me focus on something else. The physical pain was always there, sometimes it was so freaking awful I couldn't walk, I couldn't move, and had to stay in bed for days, weeks.
Meds, lots of meds, only those who came with the hallucinations worked, a little. For a night maybe.
I spent my time trying to say to myself : "tomorrow, you'll wake up and go to school. You'll do it."
And then, I woke up, with that pain in my body, in my back, in my head, and the only way to make it disappear was to fall asleep again.
Hospital staff, docs, physiotherapists, whatever you can imagine, I saw all of them. I tried fucking magic. Most of the time, they told me to go "talk with someone, some professional, because that's probably in your head".

Drawing didn't solve anything, but it was helpful.

If u read that bullshit self-centered and pretty miserable, well, congratz I guess, I don't need any "support" words, or beautiful sentences like "fight, I trust u, u can do it, u strong", it's nice, obviously, but it's not helping. I need a joint, a comfy bed, and a movie about witchcraft, I need to know my friends are doing okay, even while struggling with life. I need to tell my dad to go punch a cactus with his dick. I need to hold my sis, and mom.
Thank you so much for your interest in what I post here, some comments made me angry (seriously do u read out loud the words you write sometimes before sending?), some made me really happy. Mostly kept me focused on something else than the pain for a sec, and for that, thank you.