Comments: 5
DarkTail67 [2011-06-10 16:40:12 +0000 UTC]
Hm, pretty shiny and alluring death for a clifhanger. Melikes x) There'a portion you repeat in here however, at the end of the real Sophia's segment when she's stepping into the teleporter c: There's a few typos I caught too, but I'm kinda sleepy right now (since I haven't slept in over twenty-four hours, haha) so I can't trust myself to give pointers for the time being :'D
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Kiyao In reply to DarkTail67 [2011-06-10 21:04:48 +0000 UTC]
Heh, I'm trying (and failing) to add tension in this story. And... D'oh! I remember I had fixed that! Damn. Well, thank you for making me notice. I'll fix that. And... yes, I know that there could be some typos... but, what can I say? I'm still learning, I tried my best, and a friend of mine also checked what I wrote. Oh well, the important thing is that I don't repeat the same errors. :3
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DarkTail67 In reply to Kiyao [2011-06-11 17:05:52 +0000 UTC]
Hahah, good, and you're welcome c: And hey, everyone makes typos, but only through writing lots and lots and lots do you make that go way xD
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daughterofthestars [2011-06-09 14:19:13 +0000 UTC]
Who is the demon Shujin and what part does he play? I don't remember him from anything else, so he's not written into my round.
Thanks for the extra info about how they switch consciousness and such. I might have to figure out how that effects what I wrote. She could have hit her head after coming out of the teleporter... and I suppose that it was sunset when the avalanche hit and they got trapped in the cave, so she would switch back to Sophia then no problem.
Hmm, but then her mother takes over in the morning. How hard does the hit on the head have to be?
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Kiyao In reply to daughterofthestars [2011-06-09 15:09:17 +0000 UTC]
Heh, I knew that you would notice them. I wrote those informations just to give to the reader more informations, and I also like descriptions. Anyways, Shujin is the demon that Sophia's mother made a deal with. As I said in one of my previous answer ( [link] ), Sophia's mother is a witch. In order to become a witch, she had to sell her soul to a demon. She became a witch when she found a dying demon in a forest, and she made a deal with him on one condition: not selling her soul to him. And the hit must be... a heavy one, like someone hitting you on the head with a bottle with all his strenght.
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