djpimpslap22 [2012-06-19 03:05:34 +0000 UTC]
what do you, think of this story for a comic i'm writing?. and please give me constructive criticism
Chapter-1 what a world we live in.
“skart monologue's in his head while sitting in a chair outside of the “murple size bar.” drinking a strawberry beer.”
SKART: ever since I, can remember how all of this came to be the thought's of survival have been very persistent around here. with little technology as possible but those who manage to get their paws on some are safe... for now at least but does who didn't well.. let's just say their “resting forever in the ground.” even though I, can hold my own we it comes to the bi-grawlers, but there strength in numbers which rival’s my capability of taking care of every single one of them. To do this I’m going to need recruitment's to aid my help in making this place one less of a heck hole. “panning shots of the wind blowing on the dead grass bushes and feather less birds are flying by.” hmm? “noticing his beer bottle is empty he went inside to get a refill” “panning shots of some animal's in the bar slumped over on the tables and others talking to each other”
TIZZY: hey maser?,
MASER: what?.
TIZZY: what did you, think of the female foxes football team last night?.
MASER: women playing football? Yeah right and I suppose your gonna tell that talking oranges have gotten there own TV shows as well huh?.
TIZZY: um... no nothing like that doesn't exist and also whats a talking orange?.
MASER: oh nothing I just say weird things sometimes you know?.
TIZZY: I see...
ADSCALE: hey skart!, need a refill or something?.
SKART: why yes I, do thank you very much for asking!.
ADSCALE: well sit down already! Your making everything weird here by standing in-front of the door!.
“he grabs a seat up close to the bar counter and sits in it while looking at the variety of labels on the drinks on-top the shelf that say's “jack-marcade”
“ Virgo mirando” “pinkie linky” “masha pinga” “ja ja minks” “whoa mama tie-laid”
“whiters marsh” “bubble flursh up” “orange liter” “dcp ykb” “nirby worriers” and finally the last one.” “ yoops swoops”
ADSCALE: alright skart, what drink did you say needed a refill?.
SKART: I'll take a “jack-marcade” please.
ADSCALE: ok then!. A strawberry beer is coming up! and would you like anything else with that?
SKART: no I’m good. But thanks though.
“just then a female monkey burst through the door holding her butt in need of a bathroom she carefully walk's up to the counter and asks to use one”
??? can I use your bathroom? Please!!.
ADSCALE: sorry lady paying customers only ether buy something or do your business outside which is it?.
???: eeee!!! fine! what can I get for 6 dollars? Cash!?.
ADSCALE: well the cheapest thing I’ve got is a “yoops swoops” you wanna get that?.
???: I don't know what that is but I, don't care! I'll take it!!!.
“reaches for it at the bottom and gives it to her,”
ADSCALE: alright there you go! Enjoy!.
???: “thinking” 'sweet bliss at last!' thank you! So much!. “about to run to the bathroom”
ADSCALE: where are you going? You do know that today is “buy and drink” day right? Where you buy a drink an immediately after purchasing it start drinking.
“thinking again” ???: 'you gotta be kidding me!?.' oh that day! Thanks for reminding me!. 'I swear I’ll get him for this! Well... bottoms up!. ' “starts drinking and finishes it.” huh? That is good! But can I please use your restroom now!!!?.
ADSCALE: huh? Oh yeah sure just go already.
???: thank you sir!, Move out of my way! I gotta drop something!. 'why did I say that???.' “she rushes very fast to the bathroom just barely making it closing the door which was next to the fridge.” “just then another monkey girl comes in walk's up to the counter waiting for her friend.”
???: I told her not eat those mushrooms on the ground at ukimi that place is filthy with who knows what! But does she listen to me? No!
SKART: I don't mean to interrupt your little speech here but who are you?.
???: well since you asked my name is Maya Barth, and my friend who's in the bathroom is named sandy yammers, glad to make your acquaintance!
SKART: “shakes hand” like wise!. so how would you feel if asked you to join my team so we can make the world more livable again?.
MAYA: and how many members do you have now?.
SKART: um... none your actually the first I’ve asked.
MAYA: oh! Well... that's odd but I’ll join providing I get to keep anything valuable with me, deal?.
SKART: hmm deal!. “shakes hands again.”
“flush” “sandy, Emerges out of the bathroom with a relieve look on her face”
SANDY: it's a good I’m not wearing any panties if I were to pull em up they would smell as heck when putting it in a washer!. “walking towards the bar counter”
hey maya!. Who's this your talking to?.
SKART: my is skart zommers.
SANDY: that's a pretty stupid name.
SKART: not as stupid as what you were doing in the bathroom.
Sandy: “blushes” shut up!.
SKART: point taken.
Sandy: grrr!!! whatever! Cmon maya, let's go!.
MAYA: um actually he ask me, to join his team.
SANDY: what!?. When did he ask you this!?
MAYA: while you were “taking care of your little butt problem” that's when so wanna join?.
SANDY: not until he apologizes!.
SKART: but you were the one who-
MAYA: she can be really hard headed sometimes just say your sorry
SKART: ugh... I’m sorry.
SANDY: there! Now how hard was that?.
SKART: -_- grrr! Hey adscale!, where's my “jack-marcade”?.
ADSCALE: huh? Oh sorry skart, I done forgot! Don't worry I’ll get it!. “grabs the bottle from the middle shelf and gives it to him”
SKART: thanks you very much alright let's go!.
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