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Description
No matter how much you tell myself otherwise, these words keep repeating and you keep finding small clues that make those words sound true.
Mentally nauseated, even though the world and everything else externally, objectively speaking, seems fine, your mind still says "nauseated". Once the regurgitation starts, it's difficult to stop. Longer you regurgitate, more internally corrosive it gets.

Such figurative regurgitation is not out of control a lot of the times; you simply control it in a different manner. Instead of fixing your constant vomiting, it just feels better to encourage yourself with it; to feel the feelings of cleansing, the feeling of letting it go. To finally rid of the frustrating nausea, to gain control of your body.

After all, it's easier to flow with the current than to go against it. It doesn't matter what kind of current it is. Whether it flows with pure water or with rotting blood, it gives the same sense of peace and control when you simply float with the flow. The only difference is that the latter would ultimately destroy you in the end.

I attempt to tame mine. To go with the flow by bleeding all these words out when they are in my mind, yet at the same time if I choose to not so, then I will not. I will be the one in control, to control when I fight and when I succumb. Ultimately one day my form of succumbing will be miniscule, and it will be of a healthy habit. However, that's when I feel at full strength to go against the current. I just don't have that courage right now, it feels too much, and to rather be spontaneous with my actions, I believe that it is worse.

To succumb all the time is to be weak. No matter how bad it is, it's still in my hands to let myself fall every single time it happens. To fight all the time is a recipe for a disaster. I know that I'll become a ticking time bomb.

The only thing I can truly come in peace with is this. Let myself control it. Give myself the freedom to succumb, but still the responsibility to fight. Perhaps when my situations get better, when my environment's better, when I have more opportunities around me, my power to fight will become stronger.

There is nothing else I can convince myself with. I don't want to force myself anymore. I want to let it rest.

Artwork ©

Description
No matter how much you tell myself otherwise, these words keep repeating and you keep finding small clues that make those words sound true.
Mentally nauseated, even though the world and everything else externally, objectively speaking, seems fine, your mind still says "nauseated". Once the regurgitation starts, it's difficult to stop. Longer you regurgitate, more internally corrosive it gets.

Such figurative regurgitation is not out of control a lot of the times; you simply control it in a different manner. Instead of fixing your constant vomiting, it just feels better to encourage yourself with it; to feel the feelings of cleansing, the feeling of letting it go. To finally rid of the frustrating nausea, to gain control of your body.

After all, it's easier to flow with the current than to go against it. It doesn't matter what kind of current it is. Whether it flows with pure water or with rotting blood, it gives the same sense of peace and control when you simply float with the flow. The only difference is that the latter would ultimately destroy you in the end.

I attempt to tame mine. To go with the flow by bleeding all these words out when they are in my mind, yet at the same time if I choose to not so, then I will not. I will be the one in control, to control when I fight and when I succumb. Ultimately one day my form of succumbing will be miniscule, and it will be of a healthy habit. However, that's when I feel at full strength to go against the current. I just don't have that courage right now, it feels too much, and to rather be spontaneous with my actions, I believe that it is worse.

To succumb all the time is to be weak. No matter how bad it is, it's still in my hands to let myself fall every single time it happens. To fight all the time is a recipe for a disaster. I know that I'll become a ticking time bomb.

The only thing I can truly come in peace with is this. Let myself control it. Give myself the freedom to succumb, but still the responsibility to fight. Perhaps when my situations get better, when my environment's better, when I have more opportunities around me, my power to fight will become stronger.

There is nothing else I can convince myself with. I don't want to force myself anymore. I want to let it rest.

Artwork ©