ladyofx [2007-04-24 12:52:13 +0000 UTC]
His eyes snapped open for the third time that night, seemingly too on edge to get a good sleep. -- his eyes were too on edge to sleep?
feel around for what he had brought with him, ,i> -- the repeated use of "what he had brought with him" is incredibly unwieldy. If you're trying to keep us from knowing what it is, try something generic like "the object" though in general I frown on narrators trying blatantly to keep things from me that the character knows.
Otherwise this is a really interesting piece and I quite like the premise even if I never found out what the hell he was looking for -- gun? flashlight?
Oh, right, that baseball bat. You had all that lead-up and the revelation was sort of anticlimactic. I'd work on fixing that, maybe by detailing how he finds it and gets his stance ready, ready, ready, boom it's just a guy.
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Kadin In reply to ladyofx [2007-04-25 02:16:31 +0000 UTC]
I'll have to get to fixing that once I can access my text files...it won't let me access my submissions that are just text. DA is freaking out. D:
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