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jack-cade — I identify swallows

Published: 2005-12-01 11:39:43 +0000 UTC; Views: 301; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 23
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Description The coffee's instant - it raises
the hackles on my grey suit
but I make do. A man is not free
to be ungrateful. Still, I'm driven

outside, and up the hill, where, back pressed
to the stone and mud, I identify swallows.
The white breast, the turning like
a badly built paper plane, thrown

in a moment of frustration.
So close to the uneven ground
they could shave the grass.

Catch myself; beyond the birds,
hovering like a cold moon
over the tumuli that cap the peaks,
the underbelly of a mothership.
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Comments: 7

udrite [2006-07-19 19:14:53 +0000 UTC]

"I identify swallows" made me laugh so hard because I couldn't help taking it both ways. Made me think of a good digestive system somehow. Anyway, this is so clearcutly written.

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jack-cade In reply to udrite [2006-07-20 10:38:53 +0000 UTC]

Cheers, udrite!

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udrite In reply to jack-cade [2006-07-20 16:57:54 +0000 UTC]

Burrrp, lol, thanks.

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fleeet [2006-03-08 21:30:48 +0000 UTC]

The imagery in this reminds me of the story Kes.
I can picture the swallows and the scenery so clearly in my mind.

The whole of the last stanza is my favourite part - its where the Vonnegut comes to my mind. The cold moon brings to me memories of Sirens.

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discocabrado [2005-12-03 00:59:19 +0000 UTC]

I like! Particularly like the structure and the delicacy yet precision of the language. K x

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diamondie [2005-12-01 11:59:19 +0000 UTC]

But are they European or African swallows?

Sorry. I liked the imagery a lot. The structure works well too, though I'm not entirely sure about the enjambment between the stanzas. It appears somewhat awkward to me.

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jack-cade In reply to diamondie [2005-12-01 12:09:40 +0000 UTC]

Cheers, D. European, I think.

Hmm. Yeah, the enjambement is possibly needlessly jarring. I need to look into ways of rearranging it.

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