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Ixona — Sneak Peek
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#first #fishy #mate #metal #rock #infidelic #affliction #arena #aristotle #cocks #fight #frigate #inn #mephistopheles #socrates #thewrittenrevolution #ixona #vomitoni #mephistoclo #infiedlicaffliction
Published: 2015-06-20 15:13:01 +0000 UTC; Views: 760; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 0
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-„ I haven't seen a fight like that one in years.“-„ Indeed. The arena produces exceptional fighters these days. Especially the last winner.“ – conversing with his friend and colleague, Socrates slowly walked towards the exit of the arena, away from the fighting pits, enjoying the late morning sunlight.
Socrates was never one to rise early in the morning, but the rare chance of enjoying civilized violence in the arena, especially when his friend was on land as well, he simply could not miss. Several officers and city guards nodded, acknowledging the two passing by.
-„ Now, old friend, about that bet...“ – Socrates was eager to see the look on Mephistoclo's face the moment he realized Socrates won the bet. Mephistoclo let out a hearty laugh and reluctantly handed over a couple of gold coins.
-„ All those years, and I'm still unable to gamble successfully against you.“ – the middle aged captain laughed again and stretched, displeased. Socrates patted him on the back and accompanied the laugh with his own.
The two captains rarely had an opportunity to spend time with friends these days. Dealing with pirates, smugglers and ceremonies became a constant routine for every captain of the navy. What was left of their time after that was usually spent on crew discipline.
A small brawl broke out in a local pub and before the city guards could react, the brawlers stumbled over onto the street and one of them accidentally tripped and fell towards Mephistoclo. The veteran sailor was quick and wouldn't be knocked over, catching the drunken brawler by his low ranking outfit, ready to toss him back whence he came from.
-„ Have you no respect for superior rank, you drunken rat?!“ – just as Mephistoclo lifted the sailor over his head, Socrates grabbed his arm
-„ Wait!“ – Mephistoclo was slightly annoyed but knew that his friend had a good reason.
-„ This is one of my own crew.“ – the brawler's face turned hot red in embarrassment as he slowly muttered out -„ C-c-captain!“ – the stiffness in his throat could be heard clearly. As Mephistoclo slowly lowered the new deck boy of Socrates' crew, the other captain immediately grabbed the deck boy by the uniform and pinned him hard against the wall of the pub.
-„ I do not tolerate debauchery boy!“ – Socrates raised his voice to the point where the brawlers halted and observed the scolding with fear of the seasoned captain. -„ And I do not remember giving my permission to anyone else 'cept for the first mate to leave ship while we're in port!“ – the grip around Aristotle's uniform made it hard for his lungs to move. -„ A fist fight with deck workers and off duty guardsmen? Disgraceful!“ – with a solid swing, Socrates threw the deck boy onto the street, a satisfying THUMP upon landing onto the stone floor. Mephistoclo was very pleased with this, and grinned for the duration of disciplining.
-„ If I do not find every cabin and the whole deck shining by the time I get back to the ship I'll use you as cannon fodder! And don't think you'll be getting any sleep tonight, you'll be cleaning the outside of the ship until I can see my own reflection in it! And I still might whip you in the morning!“ – Aristotle already made half the distance between the pub and the docks, and captain's voice was still like thunder for his ears.
The pub returned to peaceful liveliness and the pair continued their walk, heading towards an inn.
-„ If I remember correctly, our former captain gave you the same scolding in our younger days“ – Mephistoclo teasingly patted Socrates on the back.
-„ Aye. And had he not, I might not've became the captain that I am today.“ – Mephistoclo nodded approvingly and the two entered the inn with empty stomachs.
***
Creaking, the wood shifted slightly, following the easy waves of the harbor. Belt Buckle, one of the two largest frigates of the navy, showed clear signs of age but would withstand many decades to come. Despite having top discipline and keeping even the bunk bed cabins for the lowest ranks free of filth, preventing a slight moistness in the air was very difficult. The very few quarters with dry and yet fresh air were naturally reserved for the captain and officers of high rank. Mahogany and oak furniture decorated with illustrious carvings of legendary sea creatures and mythical battles comprised most of the captain's cabin.
Large windows were covered with embroidered curtains that afternoon. Socrates' light snore marked his after lunch nap. Normally, the whole crew would not dare disturb the captain at this time, not unless something of utmost urgency occurred.
A loud knock at the door interrupted the snoring monotony of the cabin. On the second knock the captain grumbled and slowly rose to a sitting position on the side of his bed.
-„ Cap'n? “ –a reluctant voice came through the rosewood door. -„ Cap'n, you are needed on deck. “
This better be good. Socrates thought. Or else there would be hell to pay for the sailors. Upon opening the entrance to his personal chambers, he was very surprised to see Aristotle. Unless something the matter involved fire on board or pirates, the boy would be punished for such an informal approach.
-„ You better have a damn good reason for this untimely interruption, deck boy. And to be away from the tasks I ordered you to attend to.“ –Socrates was still infuriated from earlier display of the boy's tendencies and ment to vent that anger. Reminding Aristotle his current standing on the ship, which also happened to be the lowest, was a start.
Aristotle still found breathing and talking in that moment particularly difficult due to fear of the captain. With a weak yet urgent voice he managed:
-„ Sir, yes sir!“ –although without real need, he straightened and saluted.
-„ Captain, the f-first mate sent me. He ordered me to summon you at once s-sir!“
Fishy? Socrates was both disappointed to see his punishment plans for Aristotle slowly fade and concerned to hear first mate Fishy requested him urgently. Matters that involved Fishy usually made the captain's head hurt. That sailor has more of a knack for trouble than me and Mephistoclo BOTH had in our early days...
-„ And why, exactly, has the first mate called for my presence? “ –pushing the deck boy out of the way, he marched down the few corridors and up the flight of stairs while listening to Aristotle's tangled and barely comprehensible responses behind him.
-„ He is currently occupied sir. Him and all current sailors on deck. “ –at this point Socrates knew something messy and bothersome is going on. -„ an arena fighter... wished to talk directly with-“ the boy's breathing was starting to interrupt his ability of speech. Captain rushed towards the deck, and Aristotle could hardly keep up by the end of it. Socrates enjoyed making a sport out of rushing from his quarters to the deck. In addition, the recently adopted deck boy was in poor shape, with a slight effect of the earlier cheap wine still kicking and the fatigue of being appointed to the dirtiest jobs on board.
They emerged to a deck littered with sailors.
-„ What in the-“ Socrates ducked to avoid another sailor that landed heavily on the deck. A short glance revealed a big group of men with a cleared circle in the middle, surrounding two particularly. And shortly after another sailor was flinged into one of the by-standers.
-„ Out of my way! “ –pushing the men with force, he wondered who by the great depths started this ruckus and who is still stupid enough to continue.
-„ Captain on deck! “ – Aristotle managed to regain his voice for that at least. The large group was so entranced by what was going on in the middle that half of the ones that the captain pushed out of the way didn't even notice. The deck boy's voice was sharp and serious enough to reach most ears. The others still observing the two men in the middle soon after realized Socrates' furious stare and orderly withdrew to stand at attention.
Socrates noticed one of the two men to be exactly the one that called for him. The other was not one of his crew. At least a knot taller than the tallest sailor on the ship, very muscular yet slim, short black hair and hawk-like eyes were this man's most apparent features. The captain recognized him as the talented arena fighter from his earlier trek to the arena pits.
Fishy was turned away from the captain and didn't notice him arrive.
-„ You've met your match rat!“ –Fishy battlecried as much as his feminine voice allowed him. He was a fine first mate, but personally, the captain disliked him for several character flaws and the annoying voice. He decided to watch the two men fight and then get a solid explanation for the mess. Surely one man did not stumble on board and beat his crew to a pulp.
As the first mate swiftly closed the short distance between them and cut through the air with his right fist while holding his left close to his ribs, the arena fighter focused his eyes on the captain.
With gracious agility, he blocked the incoming fist and likewise readied his other arm by his ribs in a defensive posture.
-„ Are you the captain of this shi-“ his question was cut short by Fishy's flurry of punches and jabs. Each of his attacks was met with unbreakable defense no matter where he aimed. The man from the arena simply could not be caught off guard.
Fishy sure has speed, I'll give him that. But lacks tactics. Even the simplest fistfight could use a bit of brain and thought. One other thing Socrates did notice in his analysis is that the second man made no offensive moves. Even when Fishy made rare (and sloppy) openings on his part, the other man held himself defensively.
-„ I did not come here to fi-“
-„ I am not done with you, filth! “ –Fishy intended to throw this man off board and deliver him to the city guards personally. The arena fighter's expression changed from battle calm to slight frustration. At once he switched his fighting stance to one that the captain instantly recognized, but Fishy was caught off guard. A short combination of movements sent him stumbling backwards, then tripping and falling over.
Socrates now took the arena fighter seriously. Fishy lacks experience, but he could easily take two or three city guards alone. Did this one just beat everyone by himself?
-„ I assume by your uniform that you are indeed the captain of this ship? “ –the man in front ditched all notion of fighting from his posture and wore a somewhat elegant stand. Unusual, thought Socrates. Arena fighters don't normally get a chance to learn such a pose. With barely any time in between he addressed the captain:
-„ You must talk to me. I bear ill news. “
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Comments: 2
A critique for you from theWrittenRevolution .
My main issue with this short introduction I think is how your sentences are weirdly structured and "disconnected" between each other in a paragraph. An example of the first instance:
Socrates was never one to rise early in the morning, but the rare chance of enjoying civilized violence in the arena, especially when his friend was on land as well, he simply could not miss.
It reads weirdly, and it makes one go back to reread the sentence because it's not structured logically - punctuation is part of the reason why, too. I get the gist of what you say, the meaning is clear enough, but the sentence is unnecessarily complicated and just not how you would write the situation. A simple rewrite:
Socrates had never enjoyed rising early in the morning, but he couldn't miss the rare chance of enjoying civilized violence in the arena -- especially when his friend was on land also.
MUCH clearer. The actions and situations follow one another logically and one needn't jump back and forth between the sentence to get the full meaning of it. You need to analyse your work and edit it so that things aren't as hard to follow.
In regards to "disconnection" within a paragraph, let me show you an example:
The two captains rarely had an opportunity to spend time with friends these days. Dealing with pirates, smugglers and ceremonies became a constant routine for every captain of the navy. What was left of their time after that was usually spent on crew discipline.
You divided this into three "parts", with your periods, but it would read more fluid if you kept it more together: after all, the subject is still the same and those three sentences are heavily connected with one another. Plus, short sentences result choppy the longer their sequence becomes. 
The two captains rarely had an opportunity to spend time with friends these days: dealing with pirates, smugglers and ceremonies was a constant routing for all captains of the navy, and what was left of their time after that was usually spent on crew discipline.
Follows logically, is nice and put together, one single simple structure. Do you see what I mean, and how it improves the story itself?
Some other sentence structure that is really just weird:
At least a knot taller than the tallest sailor on the ship, very muscular yet slim, short black hair and hawk-like eyes were this man's most apparent features.
Grammatically speaking, this is how the sentence should go to be the most easily readable and immediate: At least a knot taller than the tallest sailor on the ship, muscular yet slim (NB: VERY MUSCULAR makes me think of a body builder. Very muscular can't be slim. So the "very" must go), short black hair and a hawk's eyes; these were the man's most apparent features, and he made quite an impression on all of Socrates' crew.
I added something of my own in there, because if you want to spend time describing him, there has to be a reason for it since Socrates has already seen him in the arena so technically, he already knows what he looks like.
So all the above means: I think you need to work on your sentence structure and "cohesion" (the way your separate sentences fit together). I don't know if you were aiming for a more "constructed" feel with your story, like older English tends to be, but if you were, in this case it feels hard to read instead of Old English (which is hard to read, indeed, but in its own way).
On to other things... the characters are interesting enough, and the names you chose are pretty funny: I have no idea if they were common names in their era, but I would research that if I were you. There's always the history geek who'll come out and say "hey, those names were actually pretty unique, not anyone had them" since they are famous ones. (: do your homework on them! Oh also "Fishy" is the funniest name ever.
You put a nice cliffhanger at the end, so yes, it succeeds at making people want to read more I think. Of course we can't know why the arena guy came on the ship, but it sounds like he'll explain it soon, to the captain at least.
In regards to improvement or not from your previous works, I sadly can't say since this is the first I read. But I commented on your style lots already, so I don't feel like I need to add much more on it. (:
One last thing: -„ Captain on deck! “ – you don't need both the - and " when opening and closing a dialogue. Only one of the two, as long as it's the same opening and closing.
Keep writing and experimenting!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I DO see what you mean. 
As far as characters, the names were and weren't chosen purposefully... 
Oh, he will explain himself soon. But I delay it for just a bit. The story jumps back and forth in time after this (just like this intro jumped forward to Socrates' sleep, though the lunch itself is not important, but in that style.)
That is actually a relief to know... I will correct all dialogue to be opened and closed only with „ and “. Thanks for that as well
I'll do my best and I appreciate the time you took to read and critique.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0