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fonz99 — For Love
Published: 2009-07-09 03:57:39 +0000 UTC; Views: 1279; Favourites: 8; Downloads: 24
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Description Matthew had been driving all night, weaving in and out of the abandoned cars littering the highway. His last ditch effort to contact his beloved fiancée. Desperately clutching to a three hour old phone message that played over and over in his head, he knew this was coming and still he had left her alone.

Communication at this stage was impossible, the satellites were down and the phone lines were inactive, it was the reason everything was so chaotic in the end.

Matt hit the highway exit and didn’t bother about taking Seton Avenue, to Bradley Street then onto Frankston Drive. He crashed straight through the large timber fence on the big white house that backed onto Frankston then shot out the other side crashing through another two fences and sliding out into the middle of the road.

His rear passenger tyre blew out and he wrestled with the vehicle to make that extra distance so he could turn into James Street. There was Lindsay’s home, four houses down on the left. Matt’s proximity to Lindsay’s home generated the typical human reaction, the closer her got the more anxious he was to get there, slamming down the accelerator the car reacted lurching forward. The growling engine peaked as Matt nearly lost control of the swaying vehicle.

Matt slammed on the brakes sliding sideways into Lindsay’s front lawn tearing up the grass and demolishing the letter box. He hit the ground running, the car stalled and slowly rolled into Lindsay’s Mercedes. Matt threw his shoulder into the door splintering the lock from the frame; he hit the stairs three at a time and came to a sudden halt outside the main bedroom door.

It was wide open with clothes strewn about all across the floor, he could only see up to the foot of the bed as his eyes filled with tears. Riddled with guilt his mind rejected the obvious, hope was the last thing to die.

Matthew stepped cautiously forward, not for fear of harm but fear of the worst, his heart missed two beats, his breath caught in the back of his throat. The last step rounding the corner released all that tense build up of oxygen, the welled tears broke from his eyes and streamed down his face. There was Lindsay sitting on the bed looking at that silly picture of them at Cancun.

Lindsay heard Matt enter and smiled up at him tears streaming down her face, he couldn’t be mad at her, not for this. It was what he feared; she didn’t leave with the rest. She waited for his return like he promised.

Matt walked in and sat on the bed next to her, he rested is forehead against hers and gently kissed her cheek throwing his arm around her shoulders rubbing her arm as his bottom lip quivered.

“You silly woman” He said with half a grin.

“You’re always late” She said letting a sob escape.

Matt lifted her chin up with his index finger, he knew why she stayed, it was the same reason he left the safety of Philadelphia to be here. He leaned forward closing his eyes, his nose touched beside hers, he felt her hot breath on his lips, the last tear soaked gasp left her as his lips touched hers. The flash of light, the ground rumbled, the cloud approached.

There was only one reason why she stayed. For love.
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Comments: 31

FirstSarge [2009-12-16 16:36:07 +0000 UTC]

Overall

Vision

Originality

Technique

Impact


Well done, very good.
If I don‘t comment, I didn't like it.
Having said that, I am now going to rip it to shreds. Kidding.

Read and re-read until you hate your own story, or better yet ask somebody else. I can not read anything, magazine, paper, book without finding a multitude of typos that drive me insane, but I have such a hard time finding problems in my own work.

Cut extraneous detail, did we really need the detail of the street names?
You put it all together in 571 words. Great.
You can cut it down further, always a plus in flash forward, or delete unneeded verbiage and add more story. Personally, I like both.

My recommendation, go to 365tomorrows and read, read, read. I heard 1stSarge is a pretty fair hand at this as well. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s… " width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Smile)" />

My second recommendation is read Hemingway for the terse, minimalist style, Fitzgerald for description, and Bradbury for the feeling and soul of a story. Above all though, please read for pleasure first.

Third, don’t fall in love with a story, don’t worry about perfecting this one. It’s good, and you can, but I am sure you have other ideas bouncing around. Stretch the writers craft

If you would like assistance in editing, proofreading whatever, feel free to drop me a note.

Keep it up and I am sure we will see you on the front page at 365 soon.

👍: 0 ⏩: 2

fonz99 In reply to FirstSarge [2010-01-02 14:51:10 +0000 UTC]

Hey Sarge, thanks a lot for the critique. It does mean so much when someone puts time and effort into a piece of mine. I would absolutely love someone to help me get better whether by edit or a proof read, even critiques are much welcome. I have taken you advice; I’ve been a reader of 365 for a while, and a fan of SRSmith’s for some time as well, and more recently a reader of yours.

I haven’t released any new stuff for a while because I got my confidence shredded by publishers, contests, etc. Usually I don’t let it bother me, but I guess it just eventually got the better of me. Also I’m a first time father about six months ago and that’s taking a lot of time too. But hopefully I could get something out soon.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

FirstSarge In reply to fonz99 [2010-01-03 00:29:40 +0000 UTC]

Happy New Year, and congratualtions on the baby. Of course I really should be expressing congrats to your missus, she did the real work.

I am glad you took the critique as I meant it. The story was pretty damn good. I know SRSmith enjoyed ot too. We had a brief discussion about it.

Screw the editors and publishers. I could paper a room in the house with my rejection letters. Most of the time they don't even read the stories, so don't take it to heart.

Anyway, I know talent when I see it. So whenever you churn out a new piece, let me know and I will be glad to offer whatever I can.

Yours, Roi

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fonz99 In reply to FirstSarge [2010-01-05 23:56:40 +0000 UTC]

Yeah I was the hopeless fool in the birthing suite saying "It's ok" when quite obviously it wasn't. I felt like a cheerleader... (I knew I shouldn't have worn that skirt)

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FirstSarge In reply to fonz99 [2010-01-06 20:05:39 +0000 UTC]

Hahaha. Too funny.

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FirstSarge In reply to FirstSarge [2009-12-17 06:16:56 +0000 UTC]

Hi. Where's the fresh stuff?

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mychem-totheend [2010-03-17 17:47:47 +0000 UTC]

Beautiful! ^_^ i really like it

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

fonz99 In reply to mychem-totheend [2010-03-21 06:59:37 +0000 UTC]

Thanks, I have been somewhat absent but I appreciate the encouragement.

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ToaAkatsuki [2009-08-21 16:09:19 +0000 UTC]

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velocity07 [2009-08-21 15:50:11 +0000 UTC]

This is so beautiful.
And congrats on the DLD. It was well-deserved.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

fonz99 In reply to velocity07 [2009-08-22 04:03:51 +0000 UTC]

Thanks, it really came from nowhere 'For Love' had been up for ages and I didn't expect it to be my most popular deviation. But hey I'm not going to complain. I appreciate the support

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

velocity07 In reply to fonz99 [2009-08-22 15:11:46 +0000 UTC]

You're welocme!
I guess that was pretty unexpected. It must have been a nice surprise for this deviation to be so popular. It definitely deserves all the support it gets! xd

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

starry-night-sky [2009-08-20 14:12:18 +0000 UTC]

Such a beautiful story! Makes my heart ache (in a good way).

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

fonz99 In reply to starry-night-sky [2009-08-21 00:57:49 +0000 UTC]

Thanks, I didn't realise out of my gallery 'For Love' would generate the most interest. I appreciate it.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

stingrei [2009-08-20 07:55:47 +0000 UTC]

somehow the sense of urgency and headlong panic is rather lacking but the reunion is nice and very sweet,and overall its great for flashfiction. congrats on the DLD

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

fonz99 In reply to stingrei [2009-08-20 08:52:55 +0000 UTC]

Thanks. I don't get as much constructive criticism as I would like, I really appreciate it, helps me grow as a writer.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

stingrei In reply to fonz99 [2009-08-20 09:51:13 +0000 UTC]

haha sure,i'm quite afraid i may inadvertenetly offend someone, esp. since i try to do so with all the DLDs and uhh, also because my writing isn't exactly fantastic either! thanks too!

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DailyLitDeviations [2009-08-20 04:02:31 +0000 UTC]

Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here [link]

Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by ing the News Article.

Keep writing and keep creating.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

fonz99 In reply to DailyLitDeviations [2009-08-20 08:54:42 +0000 UTC]

Thank you, I'm honoured to be considered.

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DailyLitDeviations In reply to fonz99 [2009-08-20 13:21:31 +0000 UTC]

It was our pleasure.

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GracefulWings [2009-07-09 20:16:35 +0000 UTC]

Great job on this one. It's perfect for Flash Fiction Month!

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fonz99 In reply to GracefulWings [2009-07-09 22:48:10 +0000 UTC]

What is Flash Fiction Month? I mean I have heard of it, but what is it? What is it's purpose so to speak?

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GracefulWings In reply to fonz99 [2009-07-11 02:08:26 +0000 UTC]

Well, FFM is basically, to my understanding, just an event someone decided to start for the month of July. They give you a few prompts and encourage you to write flash fiction everyday of the month and post the link in the prompt comments for others to see. I planned on participating, but out of the month I've only put up one.

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fonz99 In reply to GracefulWings [2009-07-12 00:48:14 +0000 UTC]

lol I would only get a couple out myself, just a quick reply here i'm back off to the hospital to see my darling Elissa and our beautiful child, born about 17 hours ago. will have you pictures soon alex

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GracefulWings In reply to fonz99 [2009-07-13 04:58:14 +0000 UTC]

Congrats!

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fonz99 In reply to GracefulWings [2009-07-13 11:24:54 +0000 UTC]

Thanks Alex

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Visk-VPX [2009-07-09 16:08:03 +0000 UTC]

Damn. I know absolutely NOTHING about genres and stuff, but I know this is short and sweet. Ah, romance.

(Shame on me for being a fellow writing but knowing little or nothing much about genres...)

Well, I recommend a new fiction and fan-fiction site called "Living Words." It's not as big or as impressive as the more established sites, and I hope that you will give a try.
[link]

(We need more members up on here!)

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

fonz99 In reply to Visk-VPX [2009-07-09 22:53:42 +0000 UTC]

I'll check it out

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SRSmith [2009-07-09 04:15:41 +0000 UTC]

For a first crack at Flash Fiction, you've pretty much got the format nailed. The plot is complete, the story resolves completely in 571 words which is pretty much the sweet spot for Flash, and the story itself is engaging all the way through. 'End of the World' stories can be a bit tricky, as it's a plot line that's been used far too many times, but your use of it is quite peripheral to the actual story being told, so it works without being cliché.

What you need to do now to make this perfect, is make it perfect. Read it through repeatedly, making sure you find and fix any and all spelling and grammar mistakes, and then go through it again with a fine tooth comb to make sure that the 571 words you've used are the absolute best words you have at your disposal for the telling of this story. You've done a great job of the hardest part, which is telling a complete story in as few words as you've done, so you can focus on editing from here.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

fonz99 In reply to SRSmith [2009-07-09 04:23:03 +0000 UTC]

Thanks Stephen, lucky my handle is 'fonz' ergo the fine toothed comb is comfortably tucked away in my jeans pocket. *grabs comb* Time to get to work.

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SRSmith In reply to fonz99 [2009-07-09 04:24:49 +0000 UTC]

All good! Let me know when you've finished editing it, and I'll give it another run through.

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