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fernknits — Revolt
Published: 2014-09-27 08:58:43 +0000 UTC; Views: 286; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 0
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Description
A doctor prepares me --warm in your IV, now,
and my eyes yawn
straining for the jerk
of my bare foot
bound in the pressure cuff:
a hardly visible nod
to this disquiet --
but all I know
is the itching, tingling, lurid pleasure
of therapeutic yielding --
Incontinent thoughts
burgeon like embarrassing
hair in places
I wish they couldn't see:
me, supine
on a stretcher, chin pointing straight
to the perforated ceiling,
sucking air
past desiccated tongue and cheeks
to frantic lungs
and yet-invalid soul.
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Comments: 3
Hi, Sean here from We-Poets , finally stopping by with the critique you requested!
Incontinent thoughts
***lowercase incontinent
1) How clear is the picture? How could I make it clearer?
It's very clear, and your technique and short lines/short poem really work well for this! Excellent job!
2) How relatable is the emotion?
I've never had this therapy I don't think, so not at all relatable personally, but I totally understand the feelings of being worked on, checked, inspected, and so on.
3) Does the stanza structure add anything to the poem, or is it distracting?
It works perfectly. I think poetry is beautiful in just the right bite-size portions, and for this subject matter in particular, your little lines almost reflect the thoughts bouncing around a patient in step with his eyes moving back and forth with discomfort. As I said, you did an excellent job with this!
-Sean
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I love the stanza structure. It's kind of jolty and uncomfortable, which is absolutely perfect for the piece.
Very well done! 
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Thank you! I'm glad to know that.
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