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DoesCoffeeBleed — Smile
Published: 2012-08-07 02:41:19 +0000 UTC; Views: 313; Favourites: 14; Downloads: 5
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Description
Smile they say,it will be better this way
As they rip him from my life,
as I come closer to the scythe
"Daddy?" I call,
"are you coming back, is this all?"
Smile they say,
as he is ripped away
"Daddy why must you go?"
"daddy is this so?"
Smile they say,
as my childhood slips away
"Look at her smiling,"
if only they knew then that I was dying
"Daddy?" I cry,
"daddy, why?"
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Comments: 8
That's pretty deep... I'm just going to throw that out there before I continue. In the way of format, I would recommend cutting that into stanzas that start right before each "Smile they say". Also, make sure each line is capitalized first letter, even if it's mid-sentence. The only spelling error is "riped", which should be "ripped".
Now more in depth, getting the flow going strong is critical in spoken word, and reading this through aloud, there was some rhythm, but it was still a bit chunky. Try saying your poem aloud, as if you were preparing for a poetry slam. Speak clearly, enunciate, and watch where you feel like there should be emphasis. Try making a flow that's completely steady throughout the entire poem, and if you can read the poem with only a few breaks in the flow, typically at the end of the stanzas mentioned earlier, that's great flow.
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thank you very much for the advise
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You're very welcome, anything to help out a fellow poet!
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