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KyttiKyra [2008-03-21 06:05:34 +0000 UTC]

ditto. my cure:get out ASAP and be with the ones who DO love you for you... I know I'm lucky to get that...

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SallyTheRabbit [2008-03-19 20:52:41 +0000 UTC]

I waited for those kind words from my parents for 3/4's of my life.. ._. I think somewhere deep inside, I'm still waiting

and it's almost the same for me ._. ever since I became a mother, it has been nothing but gossip and a sick fight to who's the best mum in the family... *sighs* I hope to detach myself from them soon :3

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VThomason [2008-03-14 16:22:43 +0000 UTC]

this really upsets me that they have put you through this.
no one deserves that sort of treatment from anyone, specially their family.

please know you are worth far more than they give you credit for.

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tassel [2008-03-12 23:17:38 +0000 UTC]

Then don't bother with them? When you're financially stable, walk away, and never look back.

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Stacey73 [2008-03-12 19:09:41 +0000 UTC]

By now, it's no secret how I grew up and the manner in which I was treated by those around me. Today, I tend to try to utilize that to not only become closer to the person I believe I -can- be, but also as a guide as what -not- to do as a parent.

For years, I carried within me a truly profound need to hear words of honest praise from my mother. Words that were not given only to be replaced by the insult that followed them. Words that were not tinged with envy or pettiness.

Word of honest love and pride.

I carried this desire around within me for almost twenty-five years... Hoping that at some point, even though I spoke to her only rarely, that things between us might somehow change. That I might, at some point, be seen as a daughter in her eyes rather than a doormat.

Needless to say, it never happened.

The strange thing about it though.. Is that eventually, it truly -honestly- ceased to matter. Even stranger is that she too noticed the difference and began attempting to readjust our relationship back to the way it was by actually attempting to give me that praise...Only to have it fall flat at her feet.

It galled her.

I'd been on my own legally since the age of 15. In all that time, I had only returned to my mothers roof for a single solitary night. In all that time, I had only asked her for money once. 50 dollars to have my son circumsized. Money I paid back within the week.

Apart from that, I'd managed well enough on my own to demonstrate that I was a competent human being and it had always confused me as to why she would never acknowledge this as I thought it would be something she would appreciate. After all, it wasn't as though I was draining -her- resources any longer, right? I thought she would be pleased.

Not so much.

You see, as long as I was desirous of praise, she was in control. It was up to her to give it or not. That meant it was up to me to please her enough to actually provide it and my not getting it, was obviously due to my not being worthy of it.

Once I was able to wrap my head around the power play that she was getting off on, the desire for any sort of honest, positive feedback from her corner evaporated.

It did not go away -quickly-... But it did go away.

Now, I get that the majority of people do not come from my type of background and as such , this may not in fact be the case in your situation.

However, If it is in fact the issue it may be something you wish to ponder. Power only exists when you choose to allow them to have it. As long as it will matter to you, they will have the power to use it against you.

The other side to this coin comes from Stacey the Mom. My son is now fifteen years old. He's in several gifted programs, is quite lovely to look upon and is already tall enough to use my head as an armrest. (dammit)

The human that I had assisted in taking his first steps, is not requesting that I assist him in learning to drive.

He speaks of college. Of finishing his degree in Europe and working there, rather than here which is entirely do-able thanks to a few people I know there willing to host him.

He speaks of leaving.

When I had him, I made him a few promises that I have always endeavored to keep.

That I would tell him nothing but the absolute truth, even though it might hurt him at first. As a result, there was no santa...No easter bunny... No tooth fairy.

That I would always remember that though he may have traveled through my body to get here, that he came equipped with his own set of likes, dislikes, opinions and preferences that were completely separate from myself and that he was absolutely entitled to them.

That I would praise him for a job well done and show by example what it meant to do your absolute best.

That I never use the words 'I promise' unless I could absolutely keep my word and to move heaven and earth if necessary to do so once I had used them.

To present him to the world fully capable of entering into it and achieving the dreams that he has fostered most of his life.

To let him go, with as much grace and dignity as I am able even though it means that I no longer have the ability to help him when needed or hug him when wanted.

To date, I have kept every single one of them...Yet letting go is proving the most difficult of them all.

I mention this to also show that...To a parent..Demonstrating that you no longer -need- them.. even when they WANT you to be a productive part of the human race.. Does indeed hurt.

I've found that it can cut me to the quick if I let it. Yet this in no way detracts from the accomplishments he has worked so hard to achieve. It is simply that I am a mother letting go of a child I love.

For many parents, managing the 'Letting go' process with any degree of joy and grace can be a very difficult thing. We find ourselves suddenly needing to detach.. to step back and re-evaluate who -WE- are as people again, not parents.

That is no easy task when one has spent a great many years dedicating themselves to BEING a parent.

It is as painful as it is needful and sometimes, trying to offer praise to the very person creating the need to let go and to re-evaluate can be equally difficult and easy to forget that even though the child may be grown, that they still occasionally need to hear that they are getting it right.

I am not your mother. But I AM a mother.

And you're doing a great job.

I'm proud of you.

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Dartedrose [2008-03-12 16:41:40 +0000 UTC]

Oh my.....I'm sorry love...I really really am. I know the feeling. I'm 18. I go to school every morning at 8 or 9 depending on the day and I go home, do homework, then go to work 5 nights a week. I pay for my own car payemtn and bill and I do chores aroudn the house. I'm paying for my own tuition so my parents don't have to worry about it. And yet....I never get those words I always strive for. "I'm proud of you Kim. You're doing so well. Thank you" Not fucking once....And it hurts like hell. So I'm sorry you're having the same issue. But for as little as it may matter to you....I'm proud of you for letting that out.

Just hang in there. Maybe one day it'll come...

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carvingbackbone [2008-03-12 15:31:43 +0000 UTC]

somethings telling me i wrote this and sent it in outside of my own consciousness. every word detailed perfectly.


i'm so SO sorry ST

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bluewave [2008-03-12 14:44:04 +0000 UTC]

That breaks my heart

as a parent I know you only want the best for your kids but achieving that without trying to correct things or putting your expectations on them can become very tricky. You have to be there and supportive but at the same time not say the wrong thing at the wrong time or not saying anything that can be as damaging.

You secret reminds me to be open and listen and rejoice in everything my child is.

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Magpie-Angel [2008-03-12 13:46:23 +0000 UTC]

same here.
it's always 'Lauren, i tried six years for you and look whAT I GOT'

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pukingpastilles [2008-03-12 12:00:27 +0000 UTC]

I often wonder if my mother wishes I was doing more with my life.

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Echoes-of-the-Dead [2008-03-12 09:58:22 +0000 UTC]

my parents are both christian, until a couple of years ago every night dad would come into my room, put his hand on my head to half a second then leave, at the door he'd turn and say 'goodnight god bless you.'
he doesnt do it anymore, and while i *know* it's because i am not christian so he thinks it's not the right thing to say, i *believe* it's because he doesnt think i'm worth blessing and protecting anymore.

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echoing-radiance [2008-03-12 09:29:56 +0000 UTC]

*shrugs* I think everyone's deluded when it comes to her family. I still struggle and fail not to believe my father when he says "don't worry, I love you, I'm going to change everything." and my mom when she tells me she just wants me to be who I am, whatever sexuality I decide is right for me. Despite the fact that I know both of them are lieing...I guess it's a childhood thing x3

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yamacheero [2008-03-12 09:02:16 +0000 UTC]

I can relate.. it's like I'm never good enough for my mother...

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