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Description
When I was a small child, I always wanted to play with the boys. I wanted to play with trucks and play tag and wrestle and all that stuff. I wanted to watch Power Rangers. I wanted one of those bug maker oven things and the remote control cars. I wanted to play kickball or soccer with the other boys during recess. Instead, I got the dolls, the Easy Bake Oven, the purple leggings and pink socks with the lace on the edges.

“No, you can’t have that because it’s for boys.”

I tried to fit in with the other girls. I went to Girl Scouts and dance classes (both of which I still do because they’re fun) just like all the other little girls. I was obsessed with the Spice Girls and mini-backpacks and those stupid little fortune-teller origami things. But no matter how hard I tried I never really fit in with the girls. I wasn’t ever up-to-date enough, didn’t think Zach from Hanson was hot. I wasn’t ever the “mom” of my dolls when playing with them, but the distant cousin or aunt.  I had only one real friend during early grade school, until I got to the point where I just didn’t care. I stopped trying to fit in to the popular group at the end of third grade.

In fourth grade, I found it didn’t really matter what the other people thought of me and I excelled in the mounds of writing that we did that year. I didn’t have anyone to please but myself.

Fifth grade was tough for me. There was the big trip to Nature’s Classroom that everyone goes to, except the seven of us not allowed to go. It was at the end of that year when I first ran into puberty and when Star Wars Episode I came out in theaters; two very important aspects that defined me.

Puberty was hell. I grew breasts and started menstruating and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t ask for any of these extra features, and I didn’t want them. I still don’t. Here, Mother Nature, take them back.

And Star Wars. This sounds for a rather strange thing to define myself by, but that’s what I had. I’ve always been a fan. I’ve been watching the original trilogy since before I could read the opening text by myself, and Episode I was it; the beginning of the end. I’ve always had a bit of an obsession problem, but Star Wars was the big one. I knew everything there could possibly be known about whatever Star Wars I could get my hands on. It was madness.

Very few girls liked Star Wars, some only saw it for Ewan McGregor, so, because I was so obsessed, it gave me a better chance to interact with other guys and kind of feel like one of them. I was drawn to the few other girls who love Star Wars and we’ve been friends since. My seventh grade English teacher told me that that much interest in a sci-fi film is typically a guy thing and saying that made me feel right.

Star Wars was also the start of my “cross-dressing”.

The only girl’s Star Wars T-shirts were pink (which I found horrific even then) and had Amidala on them. Screw that. I found cooler Star Wars shirts in the boy’s sections for cheaper and there you go. There wasn’t a day that went by where you wouldn’t see me in jeans and a black Star Wars T-shirt. I inevitably moved on to all male clothing and I’ve never been more comfortable with my clothes.

High school is really where we start the coming out part. As my friends and I slowly adapted to high school life, some of my friends came out as lesbian or bi. Some of them started dating eachother. It never really bothered me, but it did make me question myself. Did I act like this because I was a lesbian? Or something else? I have yet to find myself attracted to either gender (or anywhere in between), but if I ever figure it out, I’ll let you all know.

It wasn’t really until my junior year in high school where I really encountered the term “transgender”. My friend Nikki, whom I love dearly and has been a wonderful friend since that fateful day on the bus, was trying to set up a GLBT organization at her school. She explained some things to me, and later she introduced me to an FtM trans friend of hers.

Since then, I have been looking up information on gender, and I’ve been slowly getting this out to people. Many of my friends have been informed of my situation through my blog and others have found out through those friends. I’ve hinted and made comments to others who I feel would be weird to tell outright (at least while I’m in high school, anyway). Online I go by Adrian, the name I would dearly love to have, in place of the all-too-feminine Lisa. All of the people I’ve “come out” to have been more than accepting of me and I feel it’s brought some of us a lot closer.

I have yet to tell my parents about my situation, but I will one day, though I fear their reactions. I don’t believe that their response will be a positive one, but there is always hope that they will accept the real me.

Description
When I was a small child, I always wanted to play with the boys. I wanted to play with trucks and play tag and wrestle and all that stuff. I wanted to watch Power Rangers. I wanted one of those bug maker oven things and the remote control cars. I wanted to play kickball or soccer with the other boys during recess. Instead, I got the dolls, the Easy Bake Oven, the purple leggings and pink socks with the lace on the edges.

“No, you can’t have that because it’s for boys.”

I tried to fit in with the other girls. I went to Girl Scouts and dance classes (both of which I still do because they’re fun) just like all the other little girls. I was obsessed with the Spice Girls and mini-backpacks and those stupid little fortune-teller origami things. But no matter how hard I tried I never really fit in with the girls. I wasn’t ever up-to-date enough, didn’t think Zach from Hanson was hot. I wasn’t ever the “mom” of my dolls when playing with them, but the distant cousin or aunt.  I had only one real friend during early grade school, until I got to the point where I just didn’t care. I stopped trying to fit in to the popular group at the end of third grade.

In fourth grade, I found it didn’t really matter what the other people thought of me and I excelled in the mounds of writing that we did that year. I didn’t have anyone to please but myself.

Fifth grade was tough for me. There was the big trip to Nature’s Classroom that everyone goes to, except the seven of us not allowed to go. It was at the end of that year when I first ran into puberty and when Star Wars Episode I came out in theaters; two very important aspects that defined me.

Puberty was hell. I grew breasts and started menstruating and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t ask for any of these extra features, and I didn’t want them. I still don’t. Here, Mother Nature, take them back.

And Star Wars. This sounds for a rather strange thing to define myself by, but that’s what I had. I’ve always been a fan. I’ve been watching the original trilogy since before I could read the opening text by myself, and Episode I was it; the beginning of the end. I’ve always had a bit of an obsession problem, but Star Wars was the big one. I knew everything there could possibly be known about whatever Star Wars I could get my hands on. It was madness.

Very few girls liked Star Wars, some only saw it for Ewan McGregor, so, because I was so obsessed, it gave me a better chance to interact with other guys and kind of feel like one of them. I was drawn to the few other girls who love Star Wars and we’ve been friends since. My seventh grade English teacher told me that that much interest in a sci-fi film is typically a guy thing and saying that made me feel right.

Star Wars was also the start of my “cross-dressing”.

The only girl’s Star Wars T-shirts were pink (which I found horrific even then) and had Amidala on them. Screw that. I found cooler Star Wars shirts in the boy’s sections for cheaper and there you go. There wasn’t a day that went by where you wouldn’t see me in jeans and a black Star Wars T-shirt. I inevitably moved on to all male clothing and I’ve never been more comfortable with my clothes.

High school is really where we start the coming out part. As my friends and I slowly adapted to high school life, some of my friends came out as lesbian or bi. Some of them started dating eachother. It never really bothered me, but it did make me question myself. Did I act like this because I was a lesbian? Or something else? I have yet to find myself attracted to either gender (or anywhere in between), but if I ever figure it out, I’ll let you all know.

It wasn’t really until my junior year in high school where I really encountered the term “transgender”. My friend Nikki, whom I love dearly and has been a wonderful friend since that fateful day on the bus, was trying to set up a GLBT organization at her school. She explained some things to me, and later she introduced me to an FtM trans friend of hers.

Since then, I have been looking up information on gender, and I’ve been slowly getting this out to people. Many of my friends have been informed of my situation through my blog and others have found out through those friends. I’ve hinted and made comments to others who I feel would be weird to tell outright (at least while I’m in high school, anyway). Online I go by Adrian, the name I would dearly love to have, in place of the all-too-feminine Lisa. All of the people I’ve “come out” to have been more than accepting of me and I feel it’s brought some of us a lot closer.

I have yet to tell my parents about my situation, but I will one day, though I fear their reactions. I don’t believe that their response will be a positive one, but there is always hope that they will accept the real me.