Comments: 154
AzizrianDaoXrak In reply to CyneNoir [2011-06-03 18:39:46 +0000 UTC]
PS. I feel like I've mentioned this before, but just in case:
your sig is so true. So true.
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CyneNoir In reply to AzizrianDaoXrak [2011-06-11 00:03:53 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! c: I quite like that quote.
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CyneNoir In reply to CyneNoir [2011-06-03 17:44:25 +0000 UTC]
Oh, and thank you for the fave! XD I totally forgot to mention it.
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AzizrianDaoXrak In reply to lonealphawolf [2011-06-03 11:29:16 +0000 UTC]
oh, my. I just saw the actual length of this. I did write a novel, didn't I? lol
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AzizrianDaoXrak In reply to lonealphawolf [2011-06-06 05:43:05 +0000 UTC]
Wow okay. I don't quite have time to write a 7000 word critique hahaha
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CyneNoir In reply to angelStained [2011-06-03 17:38:24 +0000 UTC]
OMG. C: Er, not to butt in terribly, but if you're feeling critique-happy... would you be willing to critique one of my pieces?
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lonealphawolf In reply to CyneNoir [2011-06-04 14:23:29 +0000 UTC]
If you don't mind critiques that mostly say that you're simply wonderful, why not?
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CyneNoir In reply to lonealphawolf [2011-06-13 12:55:34 +0000 UTC]
Oh god, just thinking about the amount of buildup makes me shudder. XD
We haven't done that much yet (Beijing is where we'll do the most exploring) but it's nice to be able to just walk around and find a bunch of bakeries/shops/grocery stores/venders. You can find everything on the streets. c: (The driving is pretty crazy, though.)
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CyneNoir In reply to lonealphawolf [2011-06-13 13:01:00 +0000 UTC]
I'm currently in Shanghai. It's not snowing at all, no. XD But I do like snow.
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lonealphawolf In reply to CyneNoir [2011-06-13 13:12:44 +0000 UTC]
): I don't get snow, at all.
That's so cool, I'm jealous all over now.
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zebrazebrazebra [2011-03-12 05:47:45 +0000 UTC]
Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
Hello! I'm only doing this critique thing to return the favour that you did by leaving me one, and also because I figure I should probably start using this function at some point. Or maybe not? Who knows! Anyway. Oh, and I'm doing three stars for everything same as you did, because that leaves me more thought-processing power for other stuff.
Nitty-gritties!
I'd cut the first three lines: they're weak compared to what follows, and I think 'My throat is not a desert' would be an amazingly powerful way to start this off.
The line breaks at 'not' and 'or' are a little jarring--how about something like:
in place of sand, not a stone
for you to overturn and mark
with gentle cloud prints--
or leave in the mud
Something like that, anyway. Also, I just automatically did what I meant to say, which is that I really want a punctuation breath before the 'or'.
Again, the linebreak at 'some' threw me off a little--'the trenches of some' had me thinking that you were going to be talking about people, and then we were talking about jungles. I also felt like you were skipping from image to image in this strophe without really fully expanding on them--most particularly with the dove, which I felt came out of nowhere and disappeared just as fast, which made me sad, because I loved it!
Okay, I'm meant to be just doing the nitpicks now, but seriously? 'and my heart unfurling like a fist'? Goddamn wow. So good. Peals of lightning, on the other hand, was a bit weird to me. After all, it's not the lightning that makes the sound.
The final two lines felt again like they were a little disjoined from the rest, and perhaps not as punchy an ending as they could have been--perhaps because we'd only just got that idea in our heads and then it vanished. Also, I was a bit confused in the final strophe--were we still discussing your song? I think if you reworked from 'A cold, unknown' to the end, just tweaked it, that would be ripper.
Okay!
Lines that made me want to shiver and die with happiness:
'smoldered star limbs', 'bright moss', 'young, wet-winged dove', the aforementioned, 'heart uncurling like a fist'--in fact from there until 'for you to stand in.' All these were absolutely fabulous and just the sort of loveliness I expect from you. And as usual, I love your declamatory, prophetical style.
I hope this is useful, and not a big fat failbot. Thank you for letting us read!
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zebrazebrazebra In reply to zebrazebrazebra [2011-03-14 03:14:00 +0000 UTC]
By the way, I didn't mean I only gave you a critique because you gave me one, I just meant I used this widget thing because you did. Sense-making!
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zebrazebrazebra In reply to CyneNoir [2011-03-28 00:24:17 +0000 UTC]
Looking good to me now! Only thing I don't love is the first strophe break, wanted that to run naturally on and not pause. Apart from that: yes yes yes!
PS: Anytime!
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Manigran [2012-04-04 03:33:19 +0000 UTC]
Oh my, you just step it up with every work I read. You are an exquisite writer.
I'm curious as to where you get your inspiration from.
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CyneNoir In reply to RestlessSands [2011-08-16 17:29:35 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! I'm glad you like it.
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sumarlegur [2011-07-27 19:53:26 +0000 UTC]
also, please hide the troll's comments. his signature is turning this page into a scroll-fest.
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sumarlegur [2011-07-27 19:52:00 +0000 UTC]
this is wonderfully written.
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CyneNoir In reply to sumarlegur [2011-08-07 04:54:19 +0000 UTC]
Thank you so much!
All of the troll's comments have now been hidden. c: I agree, his signature was more irritating than the actual comments.
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breathingwishes [2011-07-27 05:18:09 +0000 UTC]
beautiful words, beautiful poem.
thank you so much for sharing.
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