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CyneNoirunlearn the constellations
Published: 2011-03-06 21:08:24 +0000 UTC; Views: 11730; Favourites: 298; Downloads: 122
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Description I may carry my voice
on white-crested wingtips
but I refuse to take the names of birds.
My throat is not a desert
with smoldered star limbs
in place of sand, not a stone
for you to overturn and mark
with gentle cloud prints
or leave in the mud
to be perforated by bright moss.

My song is not made
to be thundered like a body
on the wind, to be bellowed
by the jagged mouths
of some distant, forgotten jungle.
It is made to slide along the edges
of twenty burning suns and rise
like a halo of newfound breath
from the crevice which splits
earth and sea. To break open
like the young, wet-winged dove
born of a glorious mud
which cracks mountains with its beak.

My song is this:
your mouth pressed against my heart
and my heart unfurling like a fist,
like a tree which tries to speak
but finds itself without a tongue. It is
a sky for you to stand in. A cold, unknown
world which opens its mouth in peals of
thunder and cries teach me,
teach me how to sing
as if I were some heavy-handed god
and you my unseeing prophet.
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Comments: 154

CyneNoir In reply to ??? [2011-06-03 17:43:31 +0000 UTC]

TWO CRITIQUES ON THE SAME PIECE? I love you. You are awesome. Before anything else, let me just say FLARGH I can't believe I forgot the "to" in "to be perforated." OTL That's so embarrassing. Thank you for pointing it out, haha. XD

You have a lot of great suggestions! I've went ahead and changed "trenches" to "jagged mouths" (would "gaping mouths" be better?) and "It" to "My song." c: I see what you mean about the cloud prints-- I'll try to think up something else. And thank you for the lovely comments, there were wonderful.

I'm glad you liked the last two lines, I was a bit unsure about them. Anyway, thank you again for critiquing! I very much appreciate it.

👍: 0 ⏩: 3

AzizrianDaoXrak In reply to CyneNoir [2011-06-03 18:39:46 +0000 UTC]

PS. I feel like I've mentioned this before, but just in case:
your sig is so true. So true.

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CyneNoir In reply to AzizrianDaoXrak [2011-06-11 00:03:53 +0000 UTC]

Thank you! c: I quite like that quote.

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AzizrianDaoXrak In reply to CyneNoir [2011-06-03 18:24:29 +0000 UTC]

Hmmm yes, I like "jagged mouths" much better. It suits it more. And don't worry, I seem to end up with little typos like that all the time >_<

Again, well done

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CyneNoir In reply to CyneNoir [2011-06-03 17:44:25 +0000 UTC]

Oh, and thank you for the fave! XD I totally forgot to mention it.

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lonealphawolf In reply to ??? [2011-06-03 08:27:49 +0000 UTC]

Oh, you're critiquing a lot, aren't you dear?

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AzizrianDaoXrak In reply to lonealphawolf [2011-06-03 11:29:16 +0000 UTC]

oh, my. I just saw the actual length of this. I did write a novel, didn't I? lol

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lonealphawolf In reply to AzizrianDaoXrak [2011-06-06 04:31:20 +0000 UTC]

I could link you to a critique that's 7000 words long - it's just stunning!

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AzizrianDaoXrak In reply to lonealphawolf [2011-06-06 05:43:05 +0000 UTC]

Wow okay. I don't quite have time to write a 7000 word critique hahaha

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lonealphawolf In reply to AzizrianDaoXrak [2011-06-06 06:10:57 +0000 UTC]

Nah, it's okay. I like this too - it's helpful!

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angelStained In reply to AzizrianDaoXrak [2011-06-03 16:03:38 +0000 UTC]

Don't worry about it- you should see my first critiques. Actually all my official critiques. They make the receivers go nuts with the length.

You're going to adore critique, aren't you? Any particular piece? (Quite critique-happy all of a sudden and I realise people are afraid to request critiques from me unless I ask directly. There.)

👍: 0 ⏩: 2

CyneNoir In reply to angelStained [2011-06-03 17:38:24 +0000 UTC]

OMG. C: Er, not to butt in terribly, but if you're feeling critique-happy... would you be willing to critique one of my pieces?

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angelStained In reply to CyneNoir [2011-06-04 17:12:35 +0000 UTC]

I'm in the midst of critique-ing something else right now- but I certainly won't mind- any particular ones? (I tend to get dizzy 'choosing' from many.)

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CyneNoir In reply to angelStained [2011-06-11 00:03:21 +0000 UTC]

Yay, thank you! C: I think "cyclic motion" is the piece in most need of a critique right now. I don't mind waiting, so take your time!

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angelStained In reply to CyneNoir [2011-06-11 15:07:16 +0000 UTC]

You've caught me in a nice moment haha- messages quite empty. It's late though- will be within the next few days if your piece isn't really tricky and please poke me a lil if I take too long.

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lonealphawolf In reply to CyneNoir [2011-06-04 14:23:29 +0000 UTC]

If you don't mind critiques that mostly say that you're simply wonderful, why not?

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CyneNoir In reply to lonealphawolf [2011-06-11 00:02:09 +0000 UTC]

Aww, you're too kind.

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lonealphawolf In reply to CyneNoir [2011-06-12 06:05:39 +0000 UTC]

I tell nothing but the truth!

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CyneNoir In reply to lonealphawolf [2011-06-13 12:44:04 +0000 UTC]

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lonealphawolf In reply to CyneNoir [2011-06-13 12:46:15 +0000 UTC]

Now now, weren't you in China?

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CyneNoir In reply to lonealphawolf [2011-06-13 12:47:56 +0000 UTC]

I am indeed in China. Luckily, I have access to teh internetz. I might go mad if I didn't, to be honest.

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lonealphawolf In reply to CyneNoir [2011-06-13 12:50:49 +0000 UTC]

For one, your inbox would be all messed up. Enjoying China?

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CyneNoir In reply to lonealphawolf [2011-06-13 12:55:34 +0000 UTC]

Oh god, just thinking about the amount of buildup makes me shudder. XD

We haven't done that much yet (Beijing is where we'll do the most exploring) but it's nice to be able to just walk around and find a bunch of bakeries/shops/grocery stores/venders. You can find everything on the streets. c: (The driving is pretty crazy, though.)

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lonealphawolf In reply to CyneNoir [2011-06-13 12:59:00 +0000 UTC]

I know - mine are in a mess despite hours every single day.

Hm, where are you now? Ha, definitely, though I've seen worse, like Thailand. It isn't snowing now, is it? Snow is just so delightful!

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CyneNoir In reply to lonealphawolf [2011-06-13 13:01:00 +0000 UTC]

I'm currently in Shanghai. It's not snowing at all, no. XD But I do like snow.

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lonealphawolf In reply to CyneNoir [2011-06-13 13:03:42 +0000 UTC]

Vigilo's from Shanghai! But you get snow in the US every year, don't you? I'm terribly jealous now.

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CyneNoir In reply to lonealphawolf [2011-06-13 13:08:58 +0000 UTC]

I live in Texas, so the snow we do get (usually once a year) is usually just thin ice. XD

I'm actually going to do a meet with =zebrazebrazebra in Beijing if we have time. So excited!

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lonealphawolf In reply to CyneNoir [2011-06-13 13:12:44 +0000 UTC]

): I don't get snow, at all.

That's so cool, I'm jealous all over now.

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CyneNoir In reply to lonealphawolf [2011-06-13 13:28:05 +0000 UTC]

Aww, that's a shame. Where do you live, if you don't mind my asking? (If you don't want to tell I totally understand.)

Isn't it awesome? If we do have the time, I'm going to be bragging about it all over my journal.

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lonealphawolf In reply to CyneNoir [2011-06-13 13:31:57 +0000 UTC]

D: I know right - Singapore, Asia, like angelStained!

Remember to list all those juicy, delicious details.

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AzizrianDaoXrak In reply to angelStained [2011-06-03 16:08:17 +0000 UTC]

I fear for those whose pieces I don't like much. An entire novel written about what I don't think works in their poem...oh, dear.

But yes, I'm quite looking forward to it

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angelStained In reply to AzizrianDaoXrak [2011-06-03 16:48:53 +0000 UTC]

Poems seem to get better the more I read them And most stuff I critique I already like somehow- averaging perhaps 3.5/4? so that's quite okay. Are you taking requests?

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AzizrianDaoXrak In reply to angelStained [2011-06-03 17:34:30 +0000 UTC]

Critique requests? Sure.

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angelStained In reply to AzizrianDaoXrak [2011-06-04 17:11:19 +0000 UTC]

You might want to state that somewhere if you haven't already.

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AzizrianDaoXrak In reply to angelStained [2011-06-04 18:10:08 +0000 UTC]

Yes, I now have an official little box on my page!

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zebrazebrazebra [2011-03-12 05:47:45 +0000 UTC]

Overall

Vision

Originality

Technique

Impact


Hello! I'm only doing this critique thing to return the favour that you did by leaving me one, and also because I figure I should probably start using this function at some point. Or maybe not? Who knows! Anyway. Oh, and I'm doing three stars for everything same as you did, because that leaves me more thought-processing power for other stuff.

Nitty-gritties!

I'd cut the first three lines: they're weak compared to what follows, and I think 'My throat is not a desert' would be an amazingly powerful way to start this off.

The line breaks at 'not' and 'or' are a little jarring--how about something like:

in place of sand, not a stone
for you to overturn and mark
with gentle cloud prints--
or leave in the mud

Something like that, anyway. Also, I just automatically did what I meant to say, which is that I really want a punctuation breath before the 'or'.

Again, the linebreak at 'some' threw me off a little--'the trenches of some' had me thinking that you were going to be talking about people, and then we were talking about jungles. I also felt like you were skipping from image to image in this strophe without really fully expanding on them--most particularly with the dove, which I felt came out of nowhere and disappeared just as fast, which made me sad, because I loved it!

Okay, I'm meant to be just doing the nitpicks now, but seriously? 'and my heart unfurling like a fist'? Goddamn wow. So good. Peals of lightning, on the other hand, was a bit weird to me. After all, it's not the lightning that makes the sound.

The final two lines felt again like they were a little disjoined from the rest, and perhaps not as punchy an ending as they could have been--perhaps because we'd only just got that idea in our heads and then it vanished. Also, I was a bit confused in the final strophe--were we still discussing your song? I think if you reworked from 'A cold, unknown' to the end, just tweaked it, that would be ripper.

Okay!

Lines that made me want to shiver and die with happiness:

'smoldered star limbs', 'bright moss', 'young, wet-winged dove', the aforementioned, 'heart uncurling like a fist'--in fact from there until 'for you to stand in.' All these were absolutely fabulous and just the sort of loveliness I expect from you. And as usual, I love your declamatory, prophetical style.

I hope this is useful, and not a big fat failbot. Thank you for letting us read!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

zebrazebrazebra In reply to zebrazebrazebra [2011-03-14 03:14:00 +0000 UTC]

By the way, I didn't mean I only gave you a critique because you gave me one, I just meant I used this widget thing because you did. Sense-making!

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CyneNoir In reply to zebrazebrazebra [2011-03-27 16:22:17 +0000 UTC]

Wahhh, I love this critique! Thank you so much. c: You give great advice. I went ahead and decided to take your suggestion of deleting the first three lines and changing the line breaks. :3 It always makes me happy to hear what the favorite lines of other people are, especially when they match with my own. Thank you for helping me make my stuff better. <3

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zebrazebrazebra In reply to CyneNoir [2011-03-28 00:24:17 +0000 UTC]

Looking good to me now! Only thing I don't love is the first strophe break, wanted that to run naturally on and not pause. Apart from that: yes yes yes!

PS: Anytime!

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LiliWrites [2014-04-22 06:23:56 +0000 UTC]

I've used your brilliant piece in a title poem, found here: liliwrites.deviantart.com/art/…

I hope you don't mind!

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Manigran [2012-04-04 03:33:19 +0000 UTC]

Oh my, you just step it up with every work I read. You are an exquisite writer.

I'm curious as to where you get your inspiration from.

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DailyLitDeviations [2011-12-02 04:43:07 +0000 UTC]

Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by ing the News Article.

Keep writing and keep creating.

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RestlessSands [2011-08-16 10:24:41 +0000 UTC]

that last stanza beautifully surprised me

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CyneNoir In reply to RestlessSands [2011-08-16 17:29:35 +0000 UTC]

Thank you! I'm glad you like it.

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sumarlegur [2011-07-27 19:53:26 +0000 UTC]

also, please hide the troll's comments. his signature is turning this page into a scroll-fest.

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sumarlegur [2011-07-27 19:52:00 +0000 UTC]

this is wonderfully written.

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CyneNoir In reply to sumarlegur [2011-08-07 04:54:19 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much!

All of the troll's comments have now been hidden. c: I agree, his signature was more irritating than the actual comments.

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sumarlegur In reply to CyneNoir [2011-08-07 17:10:02 +0000 UTC]

:3

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breathingwishes [2011-07-27 05:18:09 +0000 UTC]

beautiful words, beautiful poem.
thank you so much for sharing.

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CyneNoir In reply to breathingwishes [2011-08-07 04:52:45 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for the wonderful comment.

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