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completeaccident — Refrain
Published: 2005-03-07 19:40:40 +0000 UTC; Views: 308; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 24
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Description
She has angry feet.She has callouses
four
feet
deep.
Somewhere around her middle
they end
abruptly.
He plants his vineyard carefully
and lays his grapes in wait.
Shrapnel is a danger.
She comes down.
She has angry feet.
She has bare knees
He has been up them before.
He has been flow, he knows her limbs
blow
by
blow.
Lordy, how he splashes.
He likes the look
He likes the stain, the seeds flung
up.
He plants his vineyard carefully,
and she comes down.
She has righteousness between her toes,
Wrath
splashed
across her breast.
He paints the Maenads in the corner.
He knows
frenzy.
She has no stomach for wine.
In the hall
she turned away.
She was handy with
Four fingers and a thumb
Could speak,
but she comes down
on angry feet.
He has sorcery in his wonderings,
He holds the fork
beneath his tongue.
He lay his grapes in wait.
He will cast his summonings,
and she comes down
on angry feet.
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Comments: 7
hmm. i think this is beautiful but something is not quite finished about it. one thing that came to mind was that it would be more powerful in first person i.e. turn the "she"s to "i"s and create a stronger voice for the character. i'm sure you have a reason for putting it in third person and i almost always write in first so, maybe my opinion on that matter is negligible. maybe try it and see how it feels to you nonetheless. i love, love, love this:
She has no stomach for wine.
In the hall
she turned away.
She was handy with
Four fingers and a thumb
nice job all around.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I really love the first stanza, but I think the poem goes downward from there - the idea doesn't last as long as the poem. Not saying the rest is bad, but personally I'd shorten this a bit. I don't really like the second stanza, but maybe it has its purpose. I like the language and imagery a lot and the ending is quite nice.
The enjambment works well, I can't help thinking what the piece would be like without any capitals, but maybe that would be a trite way of handling poetry like this. The same goes for formatting tricks like italics and parentheses, though I think some italics might work here.
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It's very hard for me to let go of capitals, in my poetry. 
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I'm going to have to read this a few more times before I comment... amazing though. I love it. The rhythm is fantastic.
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That's really, really good to hear. 
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My gut swooped and dove underground. It's been there 20 minutes. I'm only just getting it to turn around and now it's worming it's way back up. But it's not so sure about stuff up here. This is amazingly gorgeously creepy. I skipped a beat and a couple of breaths and the aforementioned gut is having trouble dealing. You are more kickass with every piece of Art you make.
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I was going for rarrr, when I sat down to write, and got creepy, but that's how it goes, with me! More creep than rarrr. You leave the best comments ever, and I love you. 
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