Comments: 21
henryblat [2011-11-05 06:49:24 +0000 UTC]
i don know why but it make me sad to read all of this. did character wish ever came true?
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Argofinkal In reply to henryblat [2011-11-05 17:12:03 +0000 UTC]
Uh... well, if you read it to the end you'll see it did.
Actually, I'm working on a sequel, but I'm not posting it on dA.
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DracoDei [2011-09-22 02:25:53 +0000 UTC]
SPOILERS AHEAD!!!
"You master told me about your magnificent window and your lovely statue, way before Twilight told me she promised she would keep it a secret."
-"Your Master"
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Argofinkal In reply to DracoDei [2011-09-22 03:04:02 +0000 UTC]
Huh, good eye. I must have edited this like five times for spelling and other things, and I still missed that? Well, if you find anything else that doesn't seem intentional don't be afraid to just point it out.
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DracoDei In reply to Argofinkal [2011-09-22 16:55:57 +0000 UTC]
Being an second (or third, or fourth, or...) pair of eyes is on of my services to any fandom I am a member of. I am not that great with spelling and grammar, I just take the time to point stuff out.
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Yokal5 [2011-08-11 03:28:40 +0000 UTC]
I really love the way the gender of eclipse gets you guessing. Because either way it still fits with anypony you fit with Luna. I got confusing in the clinic part of the story but its well written. Great job!
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Argofinkal In reply to Yokal5 [2011-08-11 04:48:05 +0000 UTC]
Yeah, I've been told that already.
I need to work more on my use of tenses.
Glad you liked it tho!
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furor1 [2011-08-10 09:42:15 +0000 UTC]
Great story, really. I find it hard to believe that this is the first time you've "written romance like this." The insight into the character's emotions are just too good. Unless you meant that you've never written in the first person perspective. But anyway, awesome story, I love it.
One point of improvement, though: I kept getting confused by the tenses in the conversation in which they remembered their first meeting, etc. You seemed to switch between memory and actual story without changing the tense. I think it would have been better to use past tense for the actual story - like you did - and past perfect or some visual indication like italics for the memories of the parties.
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Argofinkal In reply to furor1 [2011-08-10 17:39:24 +0000 UTC]
Actually, my English is not very good, I don't know enough about tenses to do what you're suggesting me to do.
I'll take note though, see if I can find (or you can recommend) somewhere I can get more info on the past tenses.
And "like this" means everything. Laying it on thick, the perspective, the length, purpose... it's just that thanks to the RolePlays I participated in I got some experience in taking the role of a character. Kind of like acting, but only inside my head.
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ForlanceAbice1 In reply to Argofinkal [2011-10-09 02:00:25 +0000 UTC]
Hey, you are south from where I am living, the Lone Star state.
But even so, you write magnificently, in such a way that beauty cannot describe.
I can only imagine it better written in your native tongue.... At the very least,
I have a very limited knowledge of esponal.
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Argofinkal In reply to ForlanceAbice1 [2011-10-09 02:07:38 +0000 UTC]
I'm afraid that if I wrote in Spanish my prose would turn a deeper shade of purple than it already is.
Still, thanks for the lovely compliment.
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ForlanceAbice1 In reply to Argofinkal [2011-10-09 03:35:07 +0000 UTC]
A deeper shade?
I don't follow... Excuse my ignorance sir.
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Argofinkal In reply to ForlanceAbice1 [2011-10-09 04:05:32 +0000 UTC]
Overly flowery and elaborate.
That is purple prose. If this were anything but romance, it would be unnecessarily thick... it is already a little thick, but it is passable since that's the intention.
I have more practice writing in English than Spanish, but if I were to switch languages, I might get carried away with the flowery descriptions.
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Argofinkal In reply to ForlanceAbice1 [2011-10-13 00:01:05 +0000 UTC]
Lemme say something, English sucks for romance speak compared to other languages, given that you are going to repeat a lot of words since the only way to say you love something is "I love". "I really like" doesn't carry the same impact.
Other things don't carry the same meaning as immediately, as they are used too much in other contexts for the connection to be made quickly enough to prevent the break of flow. You have to be tricky.
Meanwhile, Spanish and other languages... the paths open up wide and the only limit is how creative you can get. If you think you have read good romance, give other languages a chance.
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ForlanceAbice1 In reply to Argofinkal [2011-10-13 03:49:30 +0000 UTC]
Yeah... We sacrifice that for the amount of volume that the english
language has in the sheer amount of words.... I hear french is the most
romantic of them all out there. But then again, I am having trouble learning esponal
anyhow, especially with those damn accents. I already have the word misspelled if you account
for the accent. What a lexicon.
Not to mention, you folks seem intent on placing a gender on every inanimate object.
I mean, you can't mate a bottle can you? Oh wait, don't answer that, rule 34 is in effect here.
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Argofinkal In reply to ForlanceAbice1 [2011-10-13 04:32:14 +0000 UTC]
That's more from the lack of a genderless pronoun. "The" might get you far in English, but in Spanish using the wrong pronoun just leaves a bad taste on the mouth. It's efing WEIRD.
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Argofinkal In reply to ForlanceAbice1 [2011-10-13 13:11:44 +0000 UTC]
Wasn't Esperanto made for that specific purpose? Sounding pretty and being flowery?
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ForlanceAbice1 In reply to Argofinkal [2011-10-16 00:33:13 +0000 UTC]
And being the language that is the most easy to master.
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furor1 In reply to Argofinkal [2011-08-10 18:12:57 +0000 UTC]
What I mean is, when Eclipse is telling the story he uses past tense (for example "I approached her and..."), but when he talks about something (the dance club) that happened before the event he is talking about (the scene at the hospital) you should have used what is called past perfect, if I remember correctly, English isn't my mother tongue either.
Changing past tense to past perfect turns the sentence:
'Comet nodded, she looked so tall in that shadow. "You asked: 'Is something wrong?'" Her lilac eyes were so full of loneliness that I had been reminded of my liege.'
into:
'Comet nodded, she looked so tall in that shadow. "You asked: 'Is something wrong?'" Her lilac eyes *had been* so full of loneliness that I had been reminded of my liege.'
The verbs 'nodded' and 'looked' remain past tense, because that is the actual story. What comet says is also unchanged since that is, after all, what she said. But 'Her lilac eyes were' becomes 'Her lilac eyes had been', because that part is the memory within the story. You used it correctly with 'I had been reminded.'
A bit more general info could be found here: [link]
On another note: for someone who has never written a story "like this" before, I think you have a great talent for expressing a characters feelings. The internal monologue, the repetitions, the metaphors - or whatever the technical term is for what I mean - just make the character seam so real. So like I said, either you have worked really, really hard on every part of the story or you have a very promising talent for empathy and imagining yourself in other situations and analyzing emotions.
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