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she stands as the water
laps slowly at her feet,
staring out to where
the blue grows darker
and then lighter
and lighter
and becomes air
as light as air.
the sand is hard beneath
her toes, but it moves
when she does.
she stands still
as the water hits her
softly, touching
her legs
cold but unnoticed
strong, but not
that strong.
she stares straight ahead
waiting. feeling her
hair blow behind her
in the wind,
dancing around her ears
and away from her neck
like the sail of her ship
as she stands at the dock
waiting.
she remembers when the
sky was dark, and
the sun was hiding
and he held her hand
in the dark,
as they stood waiting
in the dark,
together.
the water comes forward
as the tide creeps in
reaching further and further
grasping for whatever
lies at its journey’s end.
later it will leave again,
leaving whatever it is behind,
just out of reach,
perhaps.
still there, when it comes
reaching the next time.
the water keeps hitting her
around her legs
tickling her knees
as her toes sink, buried
in the sand.
she remembers the feel
of her skin under
his cool hand.
its cloudy, and the sky
is grey
like the depths of the
water in the distance.
she gets a little shock
as the water slaps against
her thigh,
but doesn’t move in her
quiet surprise.
his hands were colder,
sometimes.
the water is calm beyond
the place where the waves break
smooth but dark
deep, and gentle
wearing its poker face.
she watches the white
roll in to the beach
again, and again
keeping her eyes on each
broken wave as it
comes towards her
its rhythm broken by the
curve of her hips.
the tips of her fingers
are now submerged
like little ships of their own,
docked at their own little ports
perhaps waiting for something
all their own.
she thinks of how they thought
they’d sail away, one day
close their eyes and
see where the tide would
take them
make a new life wherever
they ended up.
the waves keep coming as the
sky remains the same
the sun obscured
so all she knows is that
it's day.
she sucks in her stomach
as the water creeps up
waiting to get used to the cold.
she looks down at the surface
as though it is a mirror
and she is a dancer
waiting for her cue.
standing still,
waiting for her cue.
but the tide is coming in
instead.
each wave is stronger,
now that its higher on her body
breaking closer and closer
to her face.
she doesn’t break.
he would never let her break.
holding her up, telling her
that she would not fall down.
she would not fall down.
he would not let her down.
the waves roll in and hit
her breasts,
little splashes bouncing up
and into her face,
into her mouth
as she stares.
she waits anyway.
he liked to trace her breasts
with his finger,
following the contours
of her curves like
they were a journey
or an adventure
some wonderful, amazing
path to somewhere unknown.
it had felt nice,
his gentle touch sending shivers
through her chest.
the water wasn’t gentle,
not anymore.
it stung, slightly, each time
the wave hit
and it pulled, with every
trip back out to sea
gathering strength,
gathering speed.
she had to dig her feet
into the sand
bracing herself so she
didn’t find herself
out past the place
where the waves break
playing poker with the sea.
they played poker once
late at night, with
bourbon and a
homemade deck of cards.
she was losing, and he
swapped their cards
when she wasn’t looking
and she didn’t notice.
he told her later,
and she smiled, and kissed
his lips.
he laughed.
the waves gathered around
her neck, encircling her
holding her in
it was harder now,
to refuse the pull
to keep herself standing
and staring, and waiting.
her hair lay floating
in the water
down her back, suspended
as though her ship had
frozen in time
stuck in a memory
of another time, or another place.
before the ship went down,
perhaps.
the waves came forth
and broke on her chin
crashing into her
white foam rubbing against
her lips
leaving salt on her mouth
drying her out
as she stood under water,
still staring ahead
but seeing only each wave
as it rose, and then fell
blue and then white
blue and then white
and then white
and then white.
once she woke up in white sheets
and didn’t know how she’d got there
but he held her,
and told her she would be okay
it was just some bruises
they’d been quick
and they were gone now
and she felt better
and his arm was strong,
around her waist.
the waves kept reaching
for that something
up on the shore
stretching forwards,
clawing their way
up the sand.
the broke on her head
but she stood still
taking their weight
on her shoulders
without bowing her head.
she kept her eyes open
letting the water in
seeing blue
just blue
and waiting
waiting.
the waves pushed her forwards
then pulled her back
but she kept her feet in the sand
refusing to give in to
the ocean’s demand
once she held his hand
in the dark,
gripping it hard
holding it tight
telling him that it would
be alright
choking back tears
not letting it show
keeping calm
and strong
and on top
but she was wrong.
the waves crash in and
cover her head
breaking and breaking and
breaking until,
broken,
they relent
backing away
and giving up hope
but she does too.