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fllnthblnk [2008-10-17 01:54:35 +0000 UTC]

Hello, John. Here is what I think of this poem, so take and leave whatever you want:

After reading this a few times, I had no idea what to think of it. In order to extract any meaning from it, I had to resort to your explanation in the "Author's Comments" box. For the most part, there should be enough context in the poem itself for the reader to make the gist of it out without having to resort to the author's explanations.

"There is a man behind this projector
and he is showing
you all what you want to see."

These three lines are really all you offer the reader as far as explanations go: it gives a setting and refers to an audience.

Ambiguity might be your goal for this poem, but as for me, I would've liked a little more guidance -- a little more imagery -- as to what the man behind the projector was showing the audience. Is this movie showing the actual 40's film "Casablanca" per your title? Why not throw in some scenes from that movie into the poem itself? And if not, tell the reader what they're watching.

As for the lines you actually have written, I felt your enjambments could've been better placed. Each line should do something for the reader. The second line "and he is showing" is a very boring line because "showing" is kinda left hanging there doing nothing. In fact, it might be best to change your wording and omitting some of the superfluous words: "There is", "and he", etc. We could trim the lines into something like this to make it more poignant:

"The man behind the projector
is showing you all
what you want to see."

See how an edit like this gets rid of all that extra stuttering and heads straight into the actual imagery of the poem?

"Making sure your arms
rise in sync with your hearts."

I didn't understand this, actually... how does the projector man make someone's arms rise exactly? Why are they rising in the first place? And in sync with the heart? What's the heart doing exactly? Rising? Where? I didn't understand what you were trying to communicate with these two lines exactly.

If this is supposed to tie in with the title, referring to the audience as "puppets", then I suggest you get a little more detailed... these lines are too ambiguous.

"Playing your mind's like locks--
and to those shows in the dark we flock--"

I don't understand how the projector man plays anyone's mind like a lock... you may want to clarify what you mean by this. You may also want to reconsider your simile... this guy runs a projector; he's not a locksmith or anything like that, so it might be best to choose a simile that holds a little more synergy with the imagery of the poem, or to back up the simile with more of an explanation: the lock simile isn't strong enough by itself like that.

Also, the syntax of the next line is off... No one talks like this; the natural way of saying that line would be "and we flock to those shows in the dark." Messing around with syntax like this will generally make rhymes sound forced.

Also, why is it necessary to tell the reader that they go to theaters? Is this a criticism? If so, you may want to show a little cynicism in the poem itself... show the reader what's wrong with doing this.

If it's really just "an observation," as you say, then you really need to show the reader what it is you're observing. Don't just say "the dark"-- the readers already understand that movie theaters are dark. Describe this darkness: the rows of seats you can barely see, the glow of the screen, the orange lights in the aisles to help guide your way... anything more than just "the dark."

"our souls stitched together in space and time."

The last phrase "in space and time" is too cliché on which to hinge the end of the poem. It might be best to bring back the setting into the poem instead. Maybe mention a general length of the movie or the actual theater? Anything more concrete than "space and time" which tells the reader virtually nothing.

I'm also not moved by the use of "our souls." This isn't a religious or spiritual piece by any means... and it's just cliché as well. What's so important about theaters that the mention of our very souls is important? This needs to be answered within the context of the poem... if not, try using something a little more concrete then.

Look at your title and how you use "puppets." To me, this sounds like you're describing the audience (and if not, then this needs to be clarified within the poem). I suggest you describe the audience as puppets instead of as souls. And souls don't get stitched... neither do puppets. Come up with a more appropriate action word than "stitched" or edit the poem accordingly to justify the use of this word.


Overall, I think a little more concrete imagery, a little more detail, and a little more explanation within the context of the poem would do it a lot of good.

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anodynemm [2006-09-28 16:15:48 +0000 UTC]

love it. dont forget about everyday television though, i think it has as much if not more of an effect simply because its more readily available in that you dont have to pay 11-15 dollers, you just flip on the tv and live "vicariously"
ok so i took it in a little different direction it just seem to fit but i do get your point. great job.

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Scribbyz [2006-08-29 01:29:43 +0000 UTC]

Nice, short and to the point.

Nice, I am not pulled into it like the rest of you work, but it is another masterpiece.

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