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Been awhile since I actually logged on Deviantart.

So this year I turned 20. People keep asking me "You're finally 20. What do you want to do?". What I want to do huh? I want to kill myself when I'm 20. That's all I want and all I think of for the past few weeks.

It is so great that the year I thought would be special, turns out shit. It's like rock bottom, 50km of craps, and then there's me. I'm so sick of living in this fake loop. Day by day I have to do fake laughs, fake smiles and fake listens. Then I have to exhaustedly fight with my own depressions alone. And people always blame me it's my own fault that I don't talk to them, that I never confide in them and that I don't really think of them as "friends". Fuck it. Just fuck these bullshit. Do you have any ideas how many time I have done that? You precious people were just too busy looking at your phones, laughed at my problems and gave me my-problems-are-even-worse-than-yours lecture. But that's not the best part yet.

Do you know what suicide feels like? It hurts. Not physically but emotionally.
That one time when I felt so depressed with all these pressures and stresses, I thought of commiting suicide. But I'm not 13 anymore and suicide is never a fucking joke. I still clinged to this dim hope that maybe my close friends would save me from these suicidal thoughts. I reached to them. But what did I recieve? "What is it now? I don't have time. I'm really busy you know".
I understand if you are busy, you have own lives, there's nothing I can do about that. But that "What is it now?" made me feel like I've been a bother after all these times... How ironic it is when you guys have problems, I try my best to be there for you.

I just, I'm too tired. I'm tired of pretending having people care about me. I'm tired of doing these fakes laughs. I'm tired of making myself busy to avoid my own problems. I'm tired that I don't have that gut to actually kill myself.
I'm exhausted of being completely alone when I'm in fact surrounded by bunch of people.

Anyway, this year I've learned my lesson to shut the fuck up. I will just live this fake lonely life and stop trying to find helps. I'd rather hurt myself by living this disgusting way than let people hurt me again and again.

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Sorry for wasting your time with this shitty rambling. I just want to vent a bit before I completely lose it. I bet there will be people saying I'm still young and eventually things will be okay. I hate this and do understand it... Yes, maybe someday, things will be fine. I mean, I've been living like this for ... as long as I can remember so what could be worse?
Well let just say right now, I'm not okay. But I will try to get over these thoughts and continue to live normally, keep posting art and keep these fake smiles with people.

Description

Been awhile since I actually logged on Deviantart.

So this year I turned 20. People keep asking me "You're finally 20. What do you want to do?". What I want to do huh? I want to kill myself when I'm 20. That's all I want and all I think of for the past few weeks.

It is so great that the year I thought would be special, turns out shit. It's like rock bottom, 50km of craps, and then there's me. I'm so sick of living in this fake loop. Day by day I have to do fake laughs, fake smiles and fake listens. Then I have to exhaustedly fight with my own depressions alone. And people always blame me it's my own fault that I don't talk to them, that I never confide in them and that I don't really think of them as "friends". Fuck it. Just fuck these bullshit. Do you have any ideas how many time I have done that? You precious people were just too busy looking at your phones, laughed at my problems and gave me my-problems-are-even-worse-than-yours lecture. But that's not the best part yet.

Do you know what suicide feels like? It hurts. Not physically but emotionally.
That one time when I felt so depressed with all these pressures and stresses, I thought of commiting suicide. But I'm not 13 anymore and suicide is never a fucking joke. I still clinged to this dim hope that maybe my close friends would save me from these suicidal thoughts. I reached to them. But what did I recieve? "What is it now? I don't have time. I'm really busy you know".
I understand if you are busy, you have own lives, there's nothing I can do about that. But that "What is it now?" made me feel like I've been a bother after all these times... How ironic it is when you guys have problems, I try my best to be there for you.

I just, I'm too tired. I'm tired of pretending having people care about me. I'm tired of doing these fakes laughs. I'm tired of making myself busy to avoid my own problems. I'm tired that I don't have that gut to actually kill myself.
I'm exhausted of being completely alone when I'm in fact surrounded by bunch of people.

Anyway, this year I've learned my lesson to shut the fuck up. I will just live this fake lonely life and stop trying to find helps. I'd rather hurt myself by living this disgusting way than let people hurt me again and again.

======

Sorry for wasting your time with this shitty rambling. I just want to vent a bit before I completely lose it. I bet there will be people saying I'm still young and eventually things will be okay. I hate this and do understand it... Yes, maybe someday, things will be fine. I mean, I've been living like this for ... as long as I can remember so what could be worse?
Well let just say right now, I'm not okay. But I will try to get over these thoughts and continue to live normally, keep posting art and keep these fake smiles with people.