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WordOfChen β There are Things Beneath the Garden
Published: 2012-10-26 16:57:46 +0000 UTC; Views: 18936; Favourites: 820; Downloads: 159
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There Are Things Beneath the Garden:~
There are things beneath the garden,
Which you really shouldn't see.
There are things beneath the garden,
That don't belong to me.
There are things beneath the garden,
Gone rotten blue and black.
There are things beneath the garden,
In a dripping gunny sack...
~
There are flowers in the garden,
Which you really shouldn't pull.
There are flowers in the garden,
That sit on top of wool.
There are flowers in the garden,
With a really rotten scent.
There are flowers in the garden,
Above bodies burnt and bent...
~
I love this little garden,
It's a special place to me.
I love this little garden,
It's where I want to be.
I love this little garden,
Now wouldn't you like to see?
I love this little garden;
And you'll be number three...
-Chen Yuan Wen, 26th October 2012
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Comments: 260
Reminds me of consumed kings garden in dark souls 3
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This is a very nice poem. Your vision was very clear; the story paced itself very well, the turn around at the end was very effective and well foreshadowed. Particularly, putting it in three parts was a very good choice - not too many, not too few.
It was very original, I'm just quite anal when it comes to originality stars so unless I come across something that I have never or barely ever heard of before I won't give all. I thought that you used the 'creepy nursery rhyme' style well, though.
Technique. Well, your technique is quite good, but I find that the same problem crops up in pretty much all of your rhyming poems and it's particularly evident since it's in a children's style. I think that your perfect rhymes are great and the repetition was well put - however, I kept on being distracted by your flawed, or lack of, metre. Something that I go to great pains to make sure is always correct in my own work is the rhythm. If you have a consistent rhythm, sometimes it doesn't even matter how many syllables are in each line. Some common ones are:
stress/unstress/stress/unstress etc. or
unstress/stress/unstress/stress etc. or a mixture of the two.
Also, I thought that There are flowers in the garden/That are sitting on top of wool was a little bit of a forced rhyme.
Overall I really liked the poem and thought it was fantastic. The story was great and well paced. However, because of the inconsistent rhythm, the impact wasn't as great as it could have been.
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Just to note with 'rhythm', that is highly subjective
Many critics like to comment about rhythm, but when I review their works I notice they too have small 'jerks'. i.e. In your poem "Lethal" the rhyme ending with Cold Sweat was rather stretched.
In which case, normally (as most assume with my works) it's pretty obvious to see where the reader would be speaking faster or slower.
Finally, all rhymes are in fact forced. We do not naturally speak in rhyme and this is something I've been trying to inform everyone about for the longest time. There is no such thing as a rhyme that isn't forced and although a lot of critics like to tout the term, it has pretty much lost its meaning. For example, if we judge a rhyme as forced by whether or not it fits in with the poem itself. Then 'sitting on top of wool' actually is a part of the poem. The explanation for that line is as follows:
A good serial killer, when burying their victims, will usually try to prevent animals and other creatures from getting at the bodies. Spraying deterrants or extremely strong perfumes or scents that would affect animals, but not humans upon a layer of packed wool (which can absorb and hold it) would be one way of preventing any digging in the short term.
Thank you for taking the time to critique my piece, I hope my explanations were helpful ^^
-Captain Chenbeard o' th' Black Fedora Pirates
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I don't know whether to be impressed or disturbed by your knowledge of disposing bodies 
The reason I mentioned meter (and I acknowledge that my own is not always perfect, though I'll just freely admit that Lethal was a crappy poem anyway) is because the rhythm in your poem was something that I couldn't follow, even when re-reading through it. That wouldn't always be a big problem but considering the nursery-rhyme style of your piece it interfered with how I appreciated it.
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Haha, that's understandable. The majority could follow, but I suppose it could be difficult to some. It's very difficult to adjust for individuals, but I do see your point. Generally as long as majority improves, I give it a seal of a approval xD
Plus I have quite a repertoire of genuinely morbid knowledge. If you want to survive as a dark poet, you need to be as realistic as possible to turn tummies :3
-Captain Chenbeard o' th' Black Fedora Pirates
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I like the imagery and the creepyness of it, but the whole thing lost it's magic to me with the rhythm. The rhyme scheme works, but the rhythm and metre don't seem to be working all the time. I can see the trochees can be found in most of the lines and probably that's the rhythm you wished to use (trochee goes stressed-unstressed), but in some lines they turn into iambs, which distorts the peaceful readability. Also, you didn't stick to the 7 syllables in the lines, sometimes it's 6, other times it's 8, and it kind of destroys the rhymes when the rhyming word fails to come at time or comes early.
I really like the concept, like a Lovecraft story in a poem, it's really creative, nice pictures, nice use of turns in the last lines. The rhymes work perfectly. The only problem is that you should follow a metre of your choice, that's a basic in English poetry, or the whole thing falls apart when read out. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s⦠" width="15" height="15" alt="
Practise more, you're on the right track! Good job. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s⦠" width="15" height="15" alt="
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With the last point, this poem was read out with no problems at all, which means either my method of reading is odd or those counting syllables read in a completely different manner. I never count syllables but instead simply read it as if I were to be reading it out to a friend. This test is done by multiple people to preview the piece.
However, it's also not the first time that people have difficulty reading my work...but again it always seems to be those that are either more experienced at poetic techniques or who count syllables. Which means that compared to the average person (which is my target audience) these people are reading in a different way xD
That said, I'll strive to make my works more readable (though again, I will never count syllables and instead just go with what I feel sounds best when read)
-Captain Chenbeard o' th' Black Fedora Pirates
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I don't count syllables, though I'm a "poet" myself and I study literature and literal techniques. Yes, you can read a poem with tone and stress that fits the rhyme scheme, and that works for "average people" as you called them, but actually when looked into it and analyzed, these flaws come up.
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Nah its alright, for me as long as it works on average then I'm pretty much fine with it. I don't mind criticisms, I'm just explaining my own system xD. For me, as long as the majority are satisfied then I'll count it fine :3
-Captain Chenbeard o' th' Black fedora Pirates
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Terror-ific I love it..... Really great work. Keep at itπππ
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Lol...nice reaction xD
-Β Chennie
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Wow, this is awesome! I love it when people start off all innocent like with their stories, and then things get violent with plot twists. I have a similar poem, written in the style of a kid's poem, yet a little (more like a LOT) on the dark side. It also has a plot twist. You can see it here
awesome-happykat.deviantart.coβ¦
Also, It's a holiday special, related to Christmas. If you want to, could you give me some tips and feedback on how to improve? You don't have to if you don't want to.
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I can't explain how amazing I find this piece! It's really awesome.
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I love it how it looked so innocent in the beggining and in the end it was the smoothest impact ever!
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Haha, thank you kindly :'3
-Chenbeard the Pirate
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Sir, this was one of the best poems that I've read in here! I loved its whole nature and the atmosphere you've created, along with the ending, was absolutely amazing
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Thank ye fer enjoyin' me works lass ^^
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
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No probs, just stating obvious
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Good God, i went searching for this poem again because it still occasionally gets stuck in my head but after a while I'd forgotten the words... So i found it again, and holy CRAP this poem freaks me out hahaha...
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Bwahaha, I'm glad ye enjoyed it me friend ^^
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
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Thank you my dear friend :3
-Captain Chen of the Black Fedora Pirates
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i sense a dark agenda behind the final line 
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I like this its full of sweetness but at the end its deadly i really did enjoy reading this. Never stop writing!!!!!
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I love it! It reminds me of that eerily cheery....very morbid vibe at the end of Secret Window. I never read poems but your first lines intrigued me and Im so glad I read through!
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Aye, I do love doin' poems like this :3
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
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For a reason i think about desperate housewifes....
Am i mad?
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Reading this reminded of this song! 
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Hey! I know that song... awesome.
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Very unsettling the way it sort of crescendoes to a frightening conclusion. I honestly hadlittle to now idea what the poem was about until I strated reading "gone rotten, blue and black"
delightful in its macabre wit^^
Happy Halloween!
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Thank ye, I'm glad ye liked it ^^
-Captain Chenbeard o' th' Black Fedora Pirates
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! bravo
thou art fine art
adorable !
yours (to misquote The Raven) forevermore,
b.
...there is starlight in your blood
it seems that your shadow is wearing you...
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Aye? x3
-Captain Chenbeard o' th' Black Fedora Pirates
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i think i'm going to watch you. > u>
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Well then, I hope ye enjoy yer time watchin' me ^^
-Captain Chenbeard o' th' Black Fedora Pirates
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Very nice! Or should I say how creepy. 
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Aye definitely :3
-Captain Chenbeard o' th' Black Fedora Pirates
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Thank ye, I'm glad ye liked it ^^
-Captain Chenbeard o' th' Black Fedora Pirates
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you are welcome
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This was...Interesting, for lack of a better word. I like it!
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Well I'm absolutely glad that ye did ^^
-Captain Chenbeard o' th' Black Fedora Pirates
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I seem to like pretty much everything you write. (:
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