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(for context I'm 15) In a few days I have to visit relatives in the middle of fucking no where that don't exactly like people like me (lgbtq+) so I have to listen to their bullshit. one of the people I'm visiting is one of my grandfathers because it'll be the last time we see him cause he's dying of cancer, I was never really close with him but I'm still super fucking upset, I really want to cry about it but I haven't been able to force myself to in a long time. my mother told me the other day that I never really had a childhood and how I never really acted like a kid, I think that might be one of the causes of my bad feelings. this is the second grandfather I'm loosing thus year, the first one was one I was really close with because he lived with us, he had COPD I think, but when we went to go see him for the last time in the hospital he had just died when we entered through the front door. they were nice enough to let us see his corpse to say last respects or whatever and I couldn't muster up any feelings when I saw his body, I didn't cry, this man that was basically my father figure my whole life had just died and I felt nothing. (no disrespect to my dad but he has some mental issues that make him not the best dad but he's really trying). alot of my friends admitted that they will probably go out of their way to not interact with me after I move (For no reason whatsoever btw) which really upset me so I just stopped talking to them which made them upset so I felt like I had done something wrong and started talking to them, they then said me not talking to them felt bad so now I'm in this awkward position where they don't wanna be friends with me but they also don't want me to leave them.

Description
(for context I'm 15) In a few days I have to visit relatives in the middle of fucking no where that don't exactly like people like me (lgbtq+) so I have to listen to their bullshit. one of the people I'm visiting is one of my grandfathers because it'll be the last time we see him cause he's dying of cancer, I was never really close with him but I'm still super fucking upset, I really want to cry about it but I haven't been able to force myself to in a long time. my mother told me the other day that I never really had a childhood and how I never really acted like a kid, I think that might be one of the causes of my bad feelings. this is the second grandfather I'm loosing thus year, the first one was one I was really close with because he lived with us, he had COPD I think, but when we went to go see him for the last time in the hospital he had just died when we entered through the front door. they were nice enough to let us see his corpse to say last respects or whatever and I couldn't muster up any feelings when I saw his body, I didn't cry, this man that was basically my father figure my whole life had just died and I felt nothing. (no disrespect to my dad but he has some mental issues that make him not the best dad but he's really trying). alot of my friends admitted that they will probably go out of their way to not interact with me after I move (For no reason whatsoever btw) which really upset me so I just stopped talking to them which made them upset so I felt like I had done something wrong and started talking to them, they then said me not talking to them felt bad so now I'm in this awkward position where they don't wanna be friends with me but they also don't want me to leave them.