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toxic-scars — SSl3...
Published: 2003-12-08 07:24:45 +0000 UTC; Views: 114; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 14
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Description
An old piece, written around july 2001. Spruced up for publishing. Was originally a fanfic *shudder*, but is no longer....The title's meaning has been lost. That was all that was written on the word file.
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Comments: 8
Her shoulder blades? As in, wings have something to do with this? **becomes suspicious** I adore wings. Please write more. This is awesome work. Love the descript.s you give us. ^_^
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First question, is this all you have of this story? If the answer is yes then I agree slightly with patter if the answer is no show me more. Ok now for the writing I'll start with the picky stuff first first two lines of the second paragraph you've written amour rather than armour and you seem to have added groan at the start of the second line which I can't see no reason for being there.
Ok good stuff the descriptions are good I'm not sure about the blood vessel in the eye bursting but then again I'm not good with biology. You have made the reader connect with the character well through her pain but You haven't fed us where she is why she is there or what she is (I presume this is fantasy). I suggest doing a spidergram (I know it sounds annal) of ideas about why she is there come up with as many as possible and pick the best one. Then I would carry on the story, maybe she speaks to one of her jailers or is interrogated you can then ease the hows and why through the conversation there.
This is a really nice start but it does need alot more and I would like to see more. If you decide to write more please let me know and if you want any help please ask!
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There is more. It's just this was the only bit that I was happy with. I might work this sequence in with maybe the upcoming '_blind_eye' or '[get ready]'. I was making some spider-diags tomorrow, actually.
By the way, I checked : the burst blood vessel thing is actual biological fact. It only happens if the brain is put under immense pressure, though.
Thanks for the comment. I'll be sure to tell you when I write a reason.
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ok, fine description, but you have used a lot of words without giving me an idea of time, place, character or plot. I fair amount of this seems redundant -- she's wearing armour, she's hurt...
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Yeah. I noticed that. It's just me rambling on a bit...
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