HOME | DD

tax-chan — mechanics matins
Published: 2002-09-05 14:56:31 +0000 UTC; Views: 104; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 6
Redirect to original
Description When I was younger,
I wanted
Fingernails that were razor blades,
So that I could
Do a a Hail Mary and make the
Sign of a new cross
In a new fashion
Like a new Tokyo
Where a tin rose unfolded its
Sharp-edged petals
And bloomed in my
Cracked sidewalk
Of a mind.
Related content

[ TEXT ]


tax-chan - The Tale of Etan the Bard
Comments: 9

teop [2002-09-19 18:00:43 +0000 UTC]

i think this poem could be extended into something even greater than the noble work it already is. you clearly establish and stick to a unique style, which is more than i can say for just about most poets on DA. the topic of the poem remains obscure, but the imagery is sharp and invigorating.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

tax-chan [2002-09-16 02:39:17 +0000 UTC]

I can't decide if I should leave it that way, or revise.... It's not supposed to really wrap up as such, but then again I think the same.....

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

jesusbite [2002-09-15 22:01:02 +0000 UTC]

I dont think its finished. It feels... like youve cheated me out of something.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

tax-chan [2002-09-09 03:17:58 +0000 UTC]

That's my business- pretty pictures. Everything else is a crapshoot, how it turns out.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

withoutane [2002-09-07 22:15:19 +0000 UTC]

I approve of your false modesty.

The poem is bad.

Your imagery is however top notch.

the razorblade fingernails thing. For some reason in my head it goes 'razorblade fingernails' instead of however it really is. And then I start thinking of that fucking bush album razorblade suitcase and then I am unhappy.

the two lines

in a new fashion
like a new tokyo

they're OK but they could use some serious work. The poem could expand at that point and have alot more meaning (i think) but as it is now those lines are what make this poem obscure and unclear.

Although i like the image of a tin petaled flower blooming out of a sidewalk crack that whole section is crap. The last line in partcular makes the whole business just sound cliche. It makes it seem like a depressed trash poem instead of a legitimately quality poem. Work on it.

Also, 'and bloomed in my' is an uncomfortable line break.

Oh yeah I really dig the poem.

Also


👍: 0 ⏩: 0

tax-chan [2002-09-06 15:06:10 +0000 UTC]

Sorry, sorry.....
It's a bad habit

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

03 [2002-09-06 07:48:31 +0000 UTC]

edit > (i) really> (as in (i) really like this poem)

and> (stop putting your own work down) as in> (you freak)

(so sleepy, please forgive me Ms.V.Taxidermy)

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

03 [2002-09-06 07:44:19 +0000 UTC]

obscure is good. really like this poem...stop putting your own work down...you freak...

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

water-elemental [2002-09-05 15:10:44 +0000 UTC]

I like the 'tin rose' metaphor. Nice work, overall...

~h2O

👍: 0 ⏩: 0